AIBU to be absolutely fuming at DH for helping his mate cheat?

It’s either ‘not his business’ or he’s ’helping a friend out’, he should pick a lane. And either lane is shit.

What on earth would that scenario be? I can't imagine.

I'd be questioning whether any "nights out with the lads", were, in fact, just that. After all if he can lie for his mates then, surely, they'd be prepared to lie for him.

He can tell you that it's not his business but can't tell the mate it's not his business and doesn't want to be involved.

I would say to the wife that no he wasn't with your husband and I would want to see my husband telling his mate that he is no longer to use his name as alibi.

i am with you on this. This poor woman clearly feels something is off that she’s reaching out to ask her husbands whereabouts. And I’m sure he’s giving her some kind of guff that she’s paranoid, mad, doesn’t let him have any freedom, nag etc.
Very sad.

Steve is an idiot- the best way for anyone to find out about an affair is to drag a whole load of other people into it. If he's going to cheat he shouldn't drag his best mate into it. Your DH should have told him not to involve him. I wouldn't be "disgusted" but I'd be disappointed for sure because it sounds like your DH didn't think this through and his nonchalant response was a bit spineless.

I'd feel exactly the same and would be questioning what his ACTUAL views on fidelity are.

For Steve's wife to have contacted you to ask if her husband was with yours on a particular night, suggests that she's suspicious. Steve may think he's being careful but clearly he must be showing outward signs that have triggered his wife to investigate. You have now been put in a very awkward position, you either have to go along with the lie, tell your husband to tell Steve he needs to confess to his wife, end the relationship with the OW or you don't cover for either of them. In all honesty, I suspect men covering for each other is common, and yes it would make you look at your husband differently, because it's obvious Steve would reciprocate if the shoe were on the other foot. You need a serious conversation with your husband, because you've both now been dragged into someone else's marriage. Your husband must now stop providing Steve with an alibi, at the absolute least.

If my very best friend said she was with me I would not tell her partner she is lying. I would tell her I was uncomfortable with the lie, encourage her to end the affair or the relationship and that I dont agree with cheating. So I wouldn't be happy or codone it but my loyalty would be to friend so I wouldn't tell partner either.

I still think cheating is very wrong and would never do it myself. So perhaps your partner is similar.

ETA if it were couples friends and I was friends with both then I would definitely not allow the lie.

I’d be absolutely livid. I think I would tell the wife. I would also tell DH he had to stop any contact with Steve entirely if he wanted to regain my trust. What the hell was he thinking?!

How utterly vile. I don't know if I could be intimate with a man who has such low morals.

To actively help someone cheat on not only his wife, but the mother of his children?? He is helping her to be betrayed, but also she could be exposed to STIs.

True consent needs all information. Your DHs friend is sexually assaulting his wife because she absolutely would not consent if she knew. He is withholding information that would change everything.

Your DH is assisting in the violation of a woman emotionally AND physically.

Cheating is abuse. Plain and simple.

It tells you a lot about your dh's attitude to fidelity and marriage, and that's nothing good.

Absolutely. If it were me in this situation, I'd be watching my own back.

And yes, if Steve doesn’t tell his wife then I think she should know. Otherwise you will be complicit in helping I’m conceal his affair. Obviously she will (quite rightly) be very angry with your husband.

It tells you a lot about your dh's attitude to fidelity and marriage, and that's nothing good.

If he'll cover up for a mate, that'll go both ways.

Wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

By covering for him he made it his business.

His how part of the lie the story. So when she finds out it’s even more heartbreaking and embarrassing that all these people knew and didn’t tell her and covered. She will sit there thinking of the times you’ve all been together and knew and think you where all laughing behind her back.

Id also imagine the type of man who covers is the type of man who would also ask someone to cover…

Ask him how he'd feel if you were helping Steve's wife cheat and he knew and had to look Steve in the eye knowing he's being disrespected betrayed.
I'm sure he wouldn't like it very much.

Yes, this. I’d be asking him to take a long hard look at his own moral compass and his approach to commitment and honesty. I would be totally shocked and shaken if my husband did this.

This has put you in a difficult position. But Iit's not up to you to tell the wife IMHO. Your DH should stop covering up for his mate. Keep out of it yourself is the safest option.

He keeps saying it’s ‘not his business’

And this is exactly how men get away with their misogynistic, disrespectful, disgusting behaviour, that and boys being boys ergh

How did a village of men get away with raping Gisell.....etc

I would tell the wife- and make it clear that you’re disgusted with your own H and can barely look at him. And I’d make his life hell, to be honest. He needs to know that covering for his mate in this way has bad consequences for him.

I can't say I'd definitely be 'disgusted' if my friend told me they were having an affair. But I wouldn't agree to cover their tracks. Unless I had literally never met their current partner and the friend was telling me they were horrible, abusive etc.

I would also be livid and disgusted with him.

He’s made you complicit as well now. Only you can decide how to respond to the wife but I would not be lying to her. If you really don’t want to be the one to break the news, I would probably say that your DH was home with you - give her the chance to figure it out.

I’d tell the wife. She has a right to decide for herself if she’s ok being in a relationship with a husband who is sleeping with other people. There’s a good chance she’s having sex with her husband in the belief that it’s a closed, and therefore safe, relationship. This is a consent issue.

I’d also be looking to have serious discussions with your husband about his attitude to marriage and affairs. Honestly something like this would shake my trust a lot. This isn’t covering or keeping quiet about a past mistake from long ago, or even something he could rationalise as yeah he made a huge mistake and really regrets it and is desperate to save his marriage. This is him taking multiple deliberate actions to help someone cheat, and being completely ok with that.