AIBU to be absolutely fuming at DH for helping his mate cheat?

I may keep a friends secret by ommison in so much as if I knew I’d not go out of my way to tell- it’s always the messenger that gets shot and none of my business frankly.

HOWEVER, I’d not be an active part of a lie or cover for them! OP your dh is being massively contradictory- if it’s not his business he should have made sure it’s not his bloody business! He let himself, and by association you, get involved! If he didn’t want to be involved he should have said “look Steve, your my mate and I’m not here to judge, it’s your life and not my business, but I don’t want to be involved or get mixed up in this so I can’t lie for you man. I won’t tell, but I’d rather you kept me out of it! Cheers”

I can’t believe he’s taken on such involvement as to be colluding in the lie but is also demanding that you do t get involved and it’s none of your (collective) business!

That poor woman is being gaslit and probably feels desperate if she’s asking you to confirm the truth- her dh is lying, your dh is lying, she knows something is up and is surrounded by lies and is being manipulated into thinking she’s in the wrong! But of course- that’s none of your dhs business! Don’t get involved! Poor poor woman.

No I wouldn’t. I’d be anbs horrified. And I’d be having serious thoughts about whether or not I wanted to continue the friendship.

Yeah i agree that is different. If he is actively sending messages to prove they are planning night out or whatever that is wrong. I took it to mean friend was using dh as an alabi and he wasn't denying it or correcting it. Misread that bit.

I'd be furious. A (now ex) friend of mine used me as an alibi (I didn't know she'd been doing this!) when SHE was cheating on her DP. Her DP was also a good friend of mine, and her DP's sister is one of my best friends.

The first I knew of any cheating was when my BF and her DB where asking me where she and I had gone on a particular day/if we enjoyed the day out. I was confused and told them what I'd been doing, and that she'd told me she had a hair appointment/was meeting another friend. They then explained the situation and I realised that I'd been used like that. It was a horrible position to be put in, I don't condone infidelity. I'd really not had a clue what the hell ex friend had been doing. Had I known, I wouldn't have kept quiet and would have told her not to involve me in what she was doing.

If your DH thinks it’s ok to help a mate to have an affair, I’d be worried what else he considered ok to lie about.
He’s dragged you into this and the mate’s wife obviously has doubts about her cheating bastard of a husband, so I’d at least tell her that your ‘D’H has been lying for him and let her take it from there. Otherwise you know too and that’s shit not to let the poor woman know and make her own choices.

But OP's DH is actively helping his friend cheat on his wife. OP said that;

'he sheepishly admitted that yes, he’d been ‘helping’ Steve by giving him an alibi. Apparently, Steve would tell his wife he was out with DH when really he was off shagging OW.'

They have come to an arrangement whereby OP's DH facilitates his friend's affair by proving an alibi every time his friend goes out with the OW. OP has now been put in a horrible situation as she was contacted by the wife.

His loyalty seems to be with his cheating friend rather than with OP.

I would assume the wife has a very strong inkling her husband is cheating which is why she rang to see if he was with your husband. As someone who was driven mad by “knowing” my partner was cheating on me but not knowing officially, I would tell the wife. Or if you’re feeling charitable, telling dickhead Steve he has 24 hours to tell her or you will.

And to answer your Aibu I would be very, very disappointed in my husband for this. Knowing and not telling is one thing, not his business, I get that. But actively getting involved by covering for his sack of shit mate, nah. That’s another level.

I'd tell him to let Steve know he has 24 hours to confess to his wife before I tell her.
I've been in the position of being the last one to know and it's shit.

not condoning this behaviour but imagine if your close friend was having an affair and asked you to keep it a secret you probably would? i mean i know i would despite not agreeing with it. just because your husbands mate is cheating doesn’t mean your husband is. have a chat with him about it and explain how it’s made you feel and that you don’t condone that sort of behaviour

That poor woman. I’d tell her and give my DH hell for his stupidity.

It is his business as he’s involved! And now dragged you into it too!

"So when she finds out it’s even more heartbreaking and embarrassing that all these people knew and didn’t tell her and covered. She will sit there thinking of the times you’ve all been together and knew and think you where all laughing behind her back."

This is completely true. I've been in her position and felt so betrayed, even my own parents knew and said nothing.

I'm not clear on just how involved your dh has been tbh.

The specifics and his attitude make a big difference imo.

1. He's highly disapproving, has told his mate so but said he's not getting involved and turned a blind eye to what he was telling his wife - no 'active' involvement.
2. Has been supportive to his friend in cheating and had active involvement such as messaging his mates wife to confirm he's with him.

I would view the two very differently tbph.

If it really was 'none of his business', he would have told his friend not to use him as an alibi. He has made it his business by lying to facilitate his friend's cheating on his wife. He has now put you in an awful position.

He obviously doesn't think that his friend is doing anything wrong if he is willing to help him cover it up. I'd re-think my relationship with him.

I could not see him as a honest trustworthy man, ongoing covering for him cheating would also make me think they have the same morals and cover for each other, I’d tell the wife too.

Lads being lads is bollocks. He has despicably low standards. He needs to stop, immediately and work damned hard to earn your trust again.

I'm sorry to say but I'd be wondering if Steve has ever done the same for your husband and they have a bit of a pact. I couldn't ever trust him again, But then I was cheated on and he lied and lied and lied until I got evidence. One of the word things was when I realised all his workmates knew (AP was someone at work) and no one told me.

In your situation when she first asked i wouldn't have fobbed her off, assuming you knew Steve wasn't with your husband on the date in question. Now, I'd not be prepared to participate in the lie and would let her know there was a cover up, even if that causes trouble with your husband.

She is clearly suspicious and he's gaslighting her with this cover up - she's probably feels like she's going insane. She has the right to make informed decisions about her future and she can't if you and your husband are keeping the truth from her.

Imo you cant be angry at your dh if you aren't honest with his wife..

I'd tell her the truth - he wasnt with dh that night - and brazenly tell your husband you've told her and let him have his reaction.

its not yourjob to mange your stupid husbands feelings.

If the wife is your friend then I think you should let her know what a cheating bastard her husband is.

If you did respond to the wife that as far as you knew Steve was not with DH on that night would your DH go mad with you and choose Steve over you? I would be angry to be dragged in to it and certainly wondering why DH thinks it is ok for his friend to treat his wife and children in such a way that will cause them all massive damage when it comes out.

Tell Steve's wife the truth and know this, never ever trust your husband again.

Good men do not do this.
He believes cheating is fine, that's why he is covering for a friend.

Tell yourself whatever you like but this is the bottom line.

HE dragged you into this and has made a liar of you if you lie to Steve's wife.

I would tell her you have found out and you want no part in it.

You don't have to do anything today or anyday, just know exactly the type of man you are with.

If it's 'not his business' then he should have kept out of it altogether

As to what to tell the wife - that your husband isnt with Steve if he isnt.

By covering for his cheating friend, he's made it his business and also yours! If she asks you anything again, I would tell her the truth. She deserves to know that her husband is a lying cheating scumbag.

I would also feel differently about my DH if I knew he'd covered for a cheating friend. By doing that, he would be condoning the cheating.