AIBU to be absolutely fuming at DH for helping his mate cheat?

I’ve seen plenty of replies to threads of “My friend is having an affair” saying that covering for them is the right thing to do, they’re your friend,

By not telling her straight away in my eyes you're now condoning both Steve's behaviour and your DHs! If I was Steve's wife there would be no comeback from your lying by omission - I would literally never trust you again, because I wouldn't be able to know whether or not you'd known all along!

I'd be angry at Steve for putting your DH in that position.
He most likely didn't ask permission and wouldn't find it easy to drop a mate in it!

What?

This is AIBU. OP is literally asking for opinions. You gave yours. I disagreed with you.

Thats how it works.

The 'none of my business excuse' is ridiculous too. He's literally made it his business by agreeing to cover! What he actually needed to say was 'sorry, no, I'm not getting involved'.

I can't get over his views on men vs women in this situation though. Because that sounds a lot like he thinks it's OK for guys to cheat because 'that's just what they are like'.

The op should message the wife and say I think you should call me. Then suggest she ask you where your dh was at the time in question. Then suggest she ask you who your dh was with.
then tell your dh that she called ans asked this and you told her the truth as he had never signed you up to lying to anyone to cover up their having an affair and nor would you be signed up to helping some man cheat on his wife with his children at home (I’d say the dc ages and compare them to ours!) 🐻 You should tell him the truth- that you’re disappointed in him, look at him a little differently now and trust him less.

This happens a lot. It could be that DH is happy to do a favour and favours are returned or it could just be that he's agreed to provide an alibi just out of loyalty to his mate and he would never consider cheating himself.

OP, I would tell Steve's wife though. I think she has a right to know what's going on and she obviously has her suspicions already and must be in torment. Do the decent thing and let her know and then she can decide what to do with that information.

Switch this round OP. If it was your DH cheating and Steve was covering for him and his wife found out, what would you want her to do?

Do that.

I’d tell her he wasn’t with him, or you’re also lying, which I don’t think you want to do, do you? Your Dh is awful for covering for him.

His living by what she doesn’t know don’t hurt her…

Not good.

Yeah, with Steve returning the favour

ok that’s your opinion like i’ve stated mine. no need to argue on someone else’s thread. All respect each others opinions and move along :)

Tell her the truth. You don’t have to say Steve is having an affair. But you can tell her what you know as 100% true and that’s that your DH wasn’t with Steve that night and he admitted he knew Steve had said he was.
tell her that you’re deeply sorry and disgusted with both of the blokes.

Your DH made it your business when he made it his business by being an alibi but be prepared that Steve may decide to reveal some horrible truths about your husband now.

This would definitely make me question DHs integrity and morals. He thinks its ok for his friend to cheat so what makes him any different. I would've told Steves wife the truth tbh and let the chips fall where they may. I agree with PPs that it doesnt make you much better lying to her, you know Steve wasnt with your DH so tell her that. I would be furious at DH for putting us in this situation and I honestly dont know if I could forgive him. Saying its none of his business but hes made it his business by agreeing to do this.

I am totally with you OP. If your DH truly believed it was none of his business, he would have told his friend to not use him as an alibi and keep him out of it.
I would be questioning a lot right now.
I would also tell his friends wife “no they weren’t together, my husband has been lying and covering up for him..”

Urgh. I wouldn’t necessarily assume he’d do the same to me, but it would certainly colour my view of his morality and that would make me love and respect him less. Just being a mate? A proper mate would say ‘nah pal it’s wrong what you’re doing and I’m not going to make it easier for you’ even if that meant losing him as a friend. Not giving a big manly toxic thumbs up by lying for him. How disgusting. I couldn’t look at him the same way again. Even worse that you’ve ended up being dragged into it. I know folk will say none of your business and you shouldn’t tell his wife but ask yourself what you would want her to do in your position…..

Wow I’d be really angry.

This from OP sounds as though her DH chose to take an active role in covering up what his mate is doing:

'I asked DH, and he sheepishly admitted that yes, he’d been ‘helping’ Steve by giving him an alibi. Apparently, Steve would tell his wife he was out with DH when really he was off shagging OW.'

Surely her DH could just have said, 'leave me out of it mate'. He knew he was being used as an alibi so was a willing participant.

His mate seems to be the real problem here. He shouldn't have provided an alibi but DH has probably been put in just as awkward a position by the mate unless he volunteered to lie for him. Having been put in a similar situation it's not always a matter of being a willing participant. I didn't find out til afterwards that I was being used as an alibi.

This would actually be a deal breaker for me as it would make me consider him differently. I have zero tolerance for cheaters and I would also tell his wife

I would tell Steve’s wife the truth. Otherwise you aren’t much better than DH are you?

I agree with this. I'd cover for a friend if they asked me to and it wouldn't mean I'd ever cheat myself. It's not about 'lads being lads' as I'm a middle-aged woman, but I like my friends and wouldn't judge them for their relationships. What your DH means by it 'not being his business' I would take to mean that you never truly know what goes on in someone else's marriage so aren't really in position to tell them what they should and shouldn't be doing, within reason. I agree that now it's affecting you, a line's been crossed and the jig is probably up anyway. It's okay to annoying at the awkward position he's put you in, but I wouldn't be extrapolating this to mean he's immoral scum who'd cheat on you.

Tell him he has shitty morals and that he can lie if he wants to but you won't be lowering yourself to the same level.

There's absolutely no way I would stay with anyone who demonstrates the utter lack of integrity that your husband clearly does. It would be a complete deal breaker for me and I would be out of there.

I would absolutely not agree to keep that friend’s secret. Infidelity is despicable. If you are unhappy with your partner, leave them.

Why should OP have to explain to her husband that she doesn’t condone such behaviour. Surely that goes without saying amongst decent people?