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Original poster

New house - who gets biggest room?

335 replies

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 09:14

So in the process of buying a new house with my partner. I have three children and he has one. The new house has 4 bedrooms. 2 good size and 2 smaller. He wants his daughter to have the second biggest room. She does not live with us full time, she lives with her mum. I don’t feel this is fair as my two youngest will have to share a room and now it looks like they will have to share a smaller room. This is totally grating me. He won’t budge on this as he says he’s promised her this room because she wanted it. I will be honest his daughter rarely gets told no. I guess it’s the joy of being an only child. I’ve really struggled with this as she has become quite entitled and really can’t handle if she doesn’t get her own way.
I literally don’t know how to handle this and tbh I’m dreading having to live with her - any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
RanyaJerodung · 29/03/2025 10:55

MILsAreHumanToo · 29/03/2025 10:50

I will offer an alternative view: blending families will always be a challenge. The child who does not live with you will already be traumatised by the break up of her original family and the fact her dad is not around. For her to then come to a house where she is treated as a 'guest' rather than a real part of that 'family home', will be hard for her. I get that her dad wants her to feel properly included, and as the eldest child in this 'new' family ... yes, I get why he has promised her the larger room.

I also get the logistics and the need for the larger room to be for the two sharers.

I think you both, together, need to speak in love and gentleness and understanding to the eldest child and try to get them to see that in an ideal world, of course they would get the larger room. Try and get her alongside in seeing the practicalities of the situation. Is there something special you could do with one of the smaller rooms to make it feel entirely her's?

That's not an alternative view. Most of us have said this.

RatedDoingMagic · 29/03/2025 10:54

Don't go ahead with this purchase and reconsider your relationship.

Children who are sharing should obviously get a larger room, but much more important than this is that you should not be moving your children in with a man who has this attitude towards them. You need to prioritise your children's wellbeing over your sex life.

BelloItalia · 29/03/2025 10:54

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

So in other words you have agreed to let the step daughter have the biggest bedroom 🤦‍♀️

Lyannaa · 29/03/2025 10:53

No this is completely unfair, especially since she lives with her mother most of the time! YANBU

Obvnotthegolden · 29/03/2025 10:52

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

So he's listened to how upset you are, he's listened to how dictatorial, unfair on the dcs and impractical his plan is, and is proceeding ahead regardless?

So he's gaslit you.

simpledeer · 29/03/2025 10:51

@Catseyes2025 it isn’t clear from your update what is happening with the rooms?

Has he backtracked and agreed his DD will have smaller room?

MILsAreHumanToo · 29/03/2025 10:50

I will offer an alternative view: blending families will always be a challenge. The child who does not live with you will already be traumatised by the break up of her original family and the fact her dad is not around. For her to then come to a house where she is treated as a 'guest' rather than a real part of that 'family home', will be hard for her. I get that her dad wants her to feel properly included, and as the eldest child in this 'new' family ... yes, I get why he has promised her the larger room.

I also get the logistics and the need for the larger room to be for the two sharers.

I think you both, together, need to speak in love and gentleness and understanding to the eldest child and try to get them to see that in an ideal world, of course they would get the larger room. Try and get her alongside in seeing the practicalities of the situation. Is there something special you could do with one of the smaller rooms to make it feel entirely her's?

Blackcountrychik83 · 29/03/2025 10:49

Surely at the age of 21 it won’t be long till she moves out ? She’s going to want her own independence .
I also think he’s trying to keep the Daughter happy and doesn’t want to stand up to her so is minimising . Disney Dad .

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 29/03/2025 10:49

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

That sounds like a fantastic resolution. Hopefully once the extension has been completed, it will seem more fair for everyone.

BlueMum16 · 29/03/2025 10:49

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

Glad you have plans to sort the rooms longer term. In the meantime I hope you stand your ground and the two sharing get the bigger room.

MummaMummaMumma · 29/03/2025 10:48

Obviously, the kids who are sharing, how ever long for, would get the biggest room.
Really unfair and unacceptable that his daughter should get it alone. This would put me off buying with him.

JumpingPumpkin · 29/03/2025 10:46

takealettermsjones · 29/03/2025 09:18

Don't buy a house with him.

I know that sounds facetious but if you're buying a property together and blending your families, he doesn't get to "not budge" on something that needs to be a joint decision. It's a dangerous precedent to set and a very bad start, in my opinion. I'd at least postpone the house buying because his attitude would worry me.

This.

ImmediateReaction · 29/03/2025 10:44

RanyaJerodung · 29/03/2025 09:47

True! Anyone see the thread about the girl with the en suite?!

Show quote history

Do you have a link, fancy a laugh. Imagine all the poor hard done by children that gave to share 🤣

recklessgran · 29/03/2025 10:43

So he tells his daughter she will be having one of the smaller rooms until the extension is done. It sounds as though he's trying to placate you by saying yours will only have to share until the extesion happens if it ever does.

Twiglets1 · 29/03/2025 10:43

It's very obvious that the 2 children sharing a room should have the biggest bedroom.

Maybe his daughter could choose - she either shares the bigger bedroom with someone or chooses one of the smaller bedrooms to have on her own. I know which option she will pick!

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 29/03/2025 10:40

I wouldn’t move in with him if he doesn't budge on that - it will create feelings of inequality among the kids and could turn your house into a war zone. It also shows he thinks your kids are less important. I think you will have a difficult few years ahead if he doesn’t learn how to parent his child and teach her about fairness.

PruthePrune · 29/03/2025 10:39

Bloody hell, disagreeing now before you have even moved in together does not bode well for the future. Can you not just live separately and move in together when the children are older?

honeylulu · 29/03/2025 10:37

Sorry just seen your update but until you have the extension, I stand by everything I have said.

If he is still adamant his daughter gets the bigger room and yours share in the meantime, the issue is the same. What is he saying was a "misunderstanding"?

user1471538283 · 29/03/2025 10:37

So he's telling you that his DC is more important than yours. I wouldn't buy a house with him.

Your DC will have a worse quality of life crammed into a smaller bedroom whilst his only DC gets a bigger room and she's not even there much. What message is that sending them? And you are paying for this. No.

This othering will continue when you move in. They will never be equal to him.

lostintherainyday · 29/03/2025 10:36

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

Sounds like a great outcome.

honeylulu · 29/03/2025 10:34

That's absolutely madness to have the sharers in a smaller room and a part time member of the household hogging a big room. I've a funny feeling that even if you proposed one of the sharers used her room when she isnt there, he would forbid that too.

He "won't have it"? Tell him you won't have it! Don't be so passive! How can he possibly justify it?

If you can't agree you need to ditch the house and look for a 5 bed. But to be honest I would totally rethink buying together. He's making very clear that your kids will always be marginalised so his kid can have the best of everything and he doesn't care how onvious that is. How horrible for them.

Original poster
Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 29/03/2025 10:34

she should get a smaller room, one because she isn’t sharing, and two because she isn’t there full time.

Goldbar · 29/03/2025 10:33

I'd rethink buying a house together, if you can.

Thehop · 29/03/2025 10:32

Honestky? You would be mad to get involved in this move and cruel to set your kids up for a life of playing these second best games with his spoiled daughter.

you'll never change their dynamic and you'll always be arguing and miserable. You (and more importantly your kids) deserve better.