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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

209 replies

LeonieJD · 28/03/2025 20:11

I’m just back from giving DP and his friend a lift into town.

This was the first time I’ve properly met him, and wow, I’m in disbelief.

They had a couple of drinks here before going out - DP’s friend was joking and asking how much I know about his ‘antics’ at Uni and in his 20’s.

Gentle ribbing turned into his friend referring to past partners as ‘whales’, saying they’d ’pull a pig’ for a laugh and then referring to one specific woman as a ‘paper bag job’ All WHILST I WAS SAT THERE!!

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

AIBU to say I never want to meet this pathetic ‘man’ again?

OP posts:
KnewYearKnewMe · 28/03/2025 21:21

I don’t blame you, OP.

I hope the friend isn’t staying at yours tonight…

Maitri108 · 28/03/2025 21:21

LeonieJD · 28/03/2025 21:16

They are old Uni friends and no where near as close as they were then - maybe meet up twice a year.

DP is really quite shy and not really an assertive person, which is why I think he didn’t shut it down earlier.

Show quote history

So he didn't shag 'whales', 'munters', women who needed bags over their heads? Your bf is too shy and unassertive to do that.

1900s · 28/03/2025 21:18

SpongeKnobNoPants · 28/03/2025 20:17

Sounds like they're both a pair of dickheads tbh

Men always are when they meet up.

Original poster
LeonieJD · 28/03/2025 21:16

Fancycheese · 28/03/2025 21:09

How close are they? Is this just a hanger-on friend from years ago and this “man” hasn’t matured. Trying to be charitable, perhaps your DP has now moved on in life and is stuck with Jay from the Inbetweeners as a mate still. Perhaps when they’re both together, as they don’t have much in common any more, they just revert to their idiot younger selves. I think it’s worth a conversation. I’d tell your DP what you think of this man and see what he says.

They are old Uni friends and no where near as close as they were then - maybe meet up twice a year.

DP is really quite shy and not really an assertive person, which is why I think he didn’t shut it down earlier.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeonieJD · 28/03/2025 21:15

KnewYearKnewMe · 28/03/2025 20:57

What will you be saying to your DP about the neighbour comment, OP?

It is taking all my restraint not to text him now, but I wouldn’t be happy if he kicked off whilst I was on a night out.

Its a really hurtful comment given he knows I’ve had my challenges with body confidence in the past and he has never praised my ‘backside’ in that way before.

OP posts:
Fancycheese · 28/03/2025 21:09

How close are they? Is this just a hanger-on friend from years ago and this “man” hasn’t matured. Trying to be charitable, perhaps your DP has now moved on in life and is stuck with Jay from the Inbetweeners as a mate still. Perhaps when they’re both together, as they don’t have much in common any more, they just revert to their idiot younger selves. I think it’s worth a conversation. I’d tell your DP what you think of this man and see what he says.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/03/2025 21:06

I’m blown away that you are focussing on the friend op.

is that because it’s easier to do?

you have just found out tonight, that your dp is a misogynistic pig who treated women abysmally in the past, and clearly still does.

I am blown away that you didn’t end your relationship then and there.

TheChosenTwo · 28/03/2025 21:06

Incredibly sheepish… yeah right 😂 I believe it too, he was mortified that you found out what he’s like! What a sexist pig. The friend isn’t any better either.

kattaduck · 28/03/2025 21:04

How long have you been dating?
Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who is best friends with a blatant misogynist nor would I just sit there and take it. And then you even gave them a lift...🙄

Get some standards OP!

PotThePens · 28/03/2025 21:03

Your partner's friend clearly feels he can talk that way in front of your partner so I think that your partner is more like him than you know. The neighbour comment is probably something your partner has said to him. That is the level of conversation they have.

Look, men can talk differently depending on who they are with. If they are with their Mums it might be different than how they behave with their wife, as in Dh would definitely say stuff to me he would never utter in front of his Mum. Then it comes down to where the line is for mates, work colleagues, people they play football with etc. The line moves depending on who they are with.

steff13 · 28/03/2025 20:58

LeonieJD · 28/03/2025 20:54

He was incredibly sheepish, I could tell he was uncomfortable and he barely added anything to the exchanges bar awkward laughter

Show quote history

Do you think this is the first time the friend has spoken that way in front of your partner? He may have appeared "incredibly sheepish" because you were there but he has undoubtedly heard the man speak that way before. And presumably had no problem with it.

simpledeer · 28/03/2025 20:57

So how do you deal with knowing that is how DP has been talking about your neighbour? I doubt it’s an isolated incident.

KnewYearKnewMe · 28/03/2025 20:57

What will you be saying to your DP about the neighbour comment, OP?

Original poster
LeonieJD · 28/03/2025 20:54

NautilusLionfish · 28/03/2025 20:19

And what did your dp say or do when all this was happening. Did he call his friend out? I guess not.
And his comment " ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’" sounds like it was going on from a discussion your dp had with his friend. So your dp must have talked about one of his/your neighbours being 'fit with an arse'. So if you are going to banish this awful friend, banish dp too? Surely you can see he wasn't bothered by his friend's misogynistic chatter? That your dp has definitely said similar things?

Show quote history

He was incredibly sheepish, I could tell he was uncomfortable and he barely added anything to the exchanges bar awkward laughter

OP posts:
Aworldofwonder · 28/03/2025 20:35

No I would not ever want to see him again, what a twat.

Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff · 28/03/2025 20:34

Blimey, what's he gonna come out with when he comes back drunk to stay in your spare room? What an oaf.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 28/03/2025 20:31

SoChangethenameagain · 28/03/2025 20:18

If that's what his best friend is like then that's what your P is like.
You've now got an insight into how your P and his friends behave and talk when you aren't around.
Disgusting.

Yep!!

CheekyHobson · 28/03/2025 20:30

I’d ban them both.

frozendaisy · 28/03/2025 20:28

Perhaps all they could pull was a pig or whale, because erm they are not coming across as that much of a catch, so their fragile little egos turned it into a whale pig game when actually they were already punching above their pay grade.

Yeah he wouldn't get back into my house but if you share a house equally with partner it's much harder to dictate.

TheSassyTraybake · 28/03/2025 20:28

Just playing devil’s advocate, how would you feel if DP tried to ban one of your friends from your house? I’m sure people are going to say well they would say such sexist things - probably true - but adults are allowed to choose their own friends.

HenDoNot · 28/03/2025 20:26

What’s that saying… “you are the company you keep”.

Your DP has done a good job of hiding it from you so far, but his friend has landed him in it.

Clearly your DP has been discussing his “fit neighbour with the arse” with his mates, and he routinely refers to women as “whales”, “pigs” and “paper bag jobs”.

That he is comfortable having this type of conversation in front of you makes me wonder how he talks about you when he’s alone with his mates?

Lavender14 · 28/03/2025 20:25

I'd absolutely be holding my dh accountable for why he is tolerating such disgusting behaviour. And asking him directly if that's how he speaks when he's out without you there. I'd be very clear that I expect better from him.

Maitri108 · 28/03/2025 20:24

They sound like a pair of twats I'd cross the road to avoid. Sound like 'lads' from the 90s IE misogynist arseholes.

Onlyvisiting · 28/03/2025 20:24

I'd be far more worried about finding put that your DP has clearly engaged in that kind of talk, told him about your neighbours arse and used to pull fat girls for jokes tbh.
Think you are worried about the wrong thing......

FriendsDrinkBook · 28/03/2025 20:23

I judge people by the company they keep. Perhaps you should too op.