To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

He was incredibly sheepish, I could tell he was uncomfortable and he barely added anything to the exchanges bar awkward laughter

So, you have a wimp of a husband and one that joins in on misoginistic "banter".

I know teenagers that are more mature. And I don't become friends with the type of people who are basically disrespectful of others.

But this kind of post is ripe for a bit of the mumsnet equivalent of dick swinging. “I’d leave him” “I’d have stopped the car” etc. It’s a bit like parents telling kids they’ll turn the car around if they don’t behave. It’s an empty threat. They don’t really mean it. And I think the replies here are the same. Bit of looking tough on the internet but people wouldn’t do what they’re saying in real life.

Really? My parents stopped the car and told me to get out when necessary (obviously they wouldn't say they'd turn the car around, unless perhaps we were going somewhere exclusively for my benefit). Perhaps I learned to be a little bit less of an arsehole as a result, or at least to think twice about prattling nonsense that was directly offensive to the person doing me a favour. I think far too many people are accepting of unacceptable behaviour from children, partners, and friends/fellow travellers - but I usually see that in the form of just ignoring the problem altogether, not of making threats and not carrying through.

I'm not going to tell the OP to leave her partner because there are a loads of factors involved and it's not a quick decision, and I also think she should discuss the matter with him alone and (when he's) sober. But to say she should (have) consider(ed) calling the friend out on his misogyny and refusing interact with him when he persists? And to say she should be disappointed that her partner didn't do this? Hell yeah; come on! That's an extremely low bar.

(Also, OP: you could be an international supermodel and your partner's friend is still a total arsehole for making the misogynistic comments he did, and partner is wrong for not speaking up about it.)

Perfectly summed up!

Indeed.

OP do you really think that he is horrified at the behaviour? Or just embarrassed that you got to see it?

You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. And he obviously communicates with this person enough to have told him that he fancies your neighbour so 🤷

I have. My 9yo called me woman, did it again (apparently got it from diary of a wimpy kid!) and we were leaving his sport so I parked, said we are waiting 20 minutes and this is your last strike. Do it again and we are waiting here until your dad can get here, because I don’t drive around anyone who talks to me like that. Might be an hour, might be 5, since you have siblings he will probably be doing stuff with. He got the message.

But if those friends are offensive to the other adults that live in the house, I think adults have to choose seeing their friends elsewhere.

Sounds as if he’s the sort, that sort that doesn’t see women as people in their own right but if challenged will tell you to lighten, laugh and give a bunch of looks best left behind when he was 10. I’d want to seriously know about pulling women for a laugh and what part your dp played.

YABU simply because it's tiur DH you shouldn't want to see again.

Diisgusting and dangerous behaviour.

I cannot remember a time where my husband or onw fo his friends disrespected me or anyone else male or female enough for me consider starting a thread about what should I think about it

There is no history of my husband that concerns me so if he suddenly had a personality change and it started I would leave, no empty threat

People complain about men but put up with it and do nothing

So, who told your DP's friend about your neighbour then, OP?

You know, the one with the fit arse?

Because you realise that whilst it means, yes, your partner's friend might have thought that particular neighbour had a fit arse, he was clarifying whether it was the same neighbour your partner has also described as having a fit atse.

DP is really quite shy and not really an assertive person, which is why I think he didn’t shut it down earlier.

Oh dear.

You realise that when you are not their, he will speak in exactly the same way?

His apparent discomfort was not because he felt awkward about his friend's behaviour but because you weren't supposed to ever see this side of himself.

Honestly, OP, you're a fool if you think his friend isn't a reflection of his own thoughts/behaviour.of his own.

I can guarantee your partner didn't not spend the rest of the evening in a shy, unassertive, silent discomfort.

This.

This.

Yup!

So I’m not saying what was said was in anyway ok, what you choose to do about it is your call.

But this kind of post is ripe for a bit of the mumsnet equivalent of dick swinging. “I’d leave him” “I’d have stopped the car” etc. It’s a bit like parents telling kids they’ll turn the car around if they don’t behave. It’s an empty threat. They don’t really mean it. And I think the replies here are the same. Bit of looking tough on the internet but people wouldn’t do what they’re saying in real life.

This banning thing is controlling same when a man tries to put his foot down and control what a woman does

Separate to that you have bigger issues than this friend, you have a choice not to have anything to do with, but like thousands of women before you and after you will ignore the signs staring you in the face

Are you choosing not to think about what we're all saying about your partner, or are you genuinely not getting it?

Why does OP have to " check " his other pals?
She now knows what his best pal is like. She knows her P has been sharing his sexual thoughts about her neighbour with his best pal.
That should be enough to tell OP what he is really like.

He does not have to ditch his friend. He can spend less time with his pal and stop laughing at stupid "jokes", he does not have to respond to this friend's immaturity and he does not have to make remarks about women to be seen to curry favour with this pal. But make it clear this " pal" will not be staying in your home and he probably takes advantage of your partners nature. Don't let the pal encroach on your relationship by calling up unannounced or making himself comfortable in your home environment. But check to see if your partners pal are all similar..... then he is hiding his behaviour

I’d have pulled the car back into the drive, gone into the house and let them make their own way. No way would I have entertained giving the pair of twats a lift.

Wow, @LeonieJD. The Friend is undoubtedly the ‘missing link’.

As for your Partner, he may appear to be more evolved in general, but he too objectifies and rates women like pieces of meat. I would feel devastated to know that my H was lusting over my neighbor’s body and raving about her to his Pig of a mate. Respecting you is clearly not a priority for him.

My attraction would be rapidly plummeting, to be replaced by permanent ick.

You think your partner is unassertive and quiet because that's what he presents to you, but birds of a feather flock together. The other PPs are right OP, your partner is like his friend, he talks disrespectfully about women and probably did take part in all that macho BS his friend was talking about. No wonder he looked embarrassed, any decent man who wasn't like that would call his friend out for lying and not have anything to do with him.

You're focussing on the wrong man.

Your dp is like that. Hth.

I dont think your P is that shy if he discusses your neighbours bodies and sexual attractiveness with his pal.
I wonder what he has said to his pal about you?
Why would he shut his pal down when this is the normal way they talk when you aren't there?

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone DP has clearly referenced her.

I corrected that for you. You wrote "someone" as if you don't know who the person was who referenced the "fit one with the arse". Who do you think the "someone" was? Some random passerby who happens to know DP's friend and saw the neighbour and said to DP's friend, your friend's neighbour is fit and has a nice/big/sexy arse?
Er no... DP said that about the "fit one with the arse".
You are totally missing the point of other people's posts when you say you wouldn't marry someone like that as if your DP is innocent in all this.

And how do you think his friend knows about the neighbour with the arse? Wake up.