To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

Hi OP

His friend has just told you about stuff that your partner did in the past or has said recently. Its not clear if you're saying

• it's fine as long as you don't hear about it
• you don't belive the friend

Why are you focusing on the friend and not your partners behaviour? Surely if it wasn't true he would have looked confused or annoyed or amused rather than 'sheepish'

Did he say it to the friend as a comment years ago as a kid? That's different to a grown man saying it. If he's only known the neighbour a year, it must be a recent conversation so there's no excuse.

Admittedly I skim read your post yesterday, at first I thought you were talking about your ds and his friend home from uni, and I thought that was bad enough, then I read it again and saw it was your partner and his friend. God what an idiot. He wouldn't be welcome in my house again.

You are the company you keep.

Good for you. Doesn’t give you a licence to give terrible, potentially life changing advice to a stranger on the internet knowing next to nothing about her or her DP. Which people do on here all the time.

I voted YABU because the friend isn't the problem. Your husband choosing you keep him as a friend and not challenging his comments is the real problem here.

If you wouldn’t leave a misogynistic pig in real life that is entirely up to you. I would leave in a heart beat.

His friend isn't the only one you need to ban from the house...

Sounds like you don't actually know who your partner really is.

Your partner's friend was testing you, your relationship and what you will put up with. He wanted to see you blow up at your partner or both of them for his amusement. You didn't react so he lost. I think your instincts are right, he doesn't get invited back to your house. Your partner has seen his friend in a different light too so I don't think he will be begging to have him come back.

If I were you, I would be judging your partner by the company he keeps.

DP is really quite shy

But not too shy not to tell his mate/s about your fit neighbour and her arse.

(Which his mate would have absolutely zero way of knowing about if your dp hadn't introduced the topic).

A lot of women think their DH/dp is "shy" and quiet and "not that type " ...unil they see evidence to the contrary.

You should actually be grateful to this filter-less wanker for revealing what your dp is like - since he's apparently good at the shy, quiet, respectful, nice guy front.

Yes your dp should have said something but why didn’t YOU call him out then and there?!
“Excuse me but the way you are talking about women is really offensive” at the very least.

What the friend said about their time at uni is pretty bad but to them, that was probably a lifetime ago but I’d be fuming with your partner who has very clearly described your neighbour’s arse to his friend. What a charmer. Not!

I'd throw this one back

I always disliked exHs BF who was a pig, basically. Spoke about everyone poorly, was racist, sexist, such a disgusting human. ExH used to agree & go along with it all. I would say, hang on, what you are saying is offensive actually and they would both laugh at me. ExH said they were brothers, more than he was with his actual brother. 🤮

I'm divorced almost a year, so I don't have to spend time with that shitbag anymore. ExH outwardly was a feminist, liberal, blah blah but he was just as bad as his friend, which is one of the many reasons why I divorced him.

I think this interaction has revealed your DPs true character. YABU for directing all your ire at the friend. I’d be leaving DP who is clearly a misogynist.

Your DP is just as bad as his 'friend' ffs!
All the banter about 'uni' days clearly made DP feel uncomfortable as he obviously wants the past to be left in the past.
His true colours have emerged now with the friend 'outing' him with comments about the fit neighbour; what else have they discussed during beer fuelled jaunts into town??
Have some self-respect and tell DP to crawl back under the rock from whence he came and let him live with the caveman friend - you deserve so much better.

Sorry but what on earth difference does it make when he met the neighbour???

You're not listening. DF and DP are cut from the same cloth. I wonder if his fiancée would say the same as you.
The comment on your neighbour stemmed from YOUR partner, not his DF. How long has he known the neighbour? If he met her as a teen maybe I could get over it. If he met her fairly recently in his late twenties/early thirties I'd be extremely concerned. Ignore those red flags at your peril.

After these comments and tap on the shoulder about the neighbour's arse comment, what your parent's (verbal) response? Did you say or do anything?

What will banning the friend tonight achieve? Why does your partner has no input in his plans being changed? (Saying you dont want future stays is different to banning this one.) Do you think the friend is a threat to you?

Or are you worried he'll influence your DH into noticing how nice the neighbour's arse is and he'll start an Arse Appreciation Club with the "someone"?

Well, whatever but this is your DP’s chosen company. Honestly, I couldn’t be with anyone who had friends like that because it says so much about his character. What are his other friends like?

His friends are a reflection of him.
This is how he talks and behaves when you’re not around.
Pathetic

You need to have a conversation about it with DP when he is sober. Tell him how you feel about what happened. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

If he is reflective and apologetic, fine. If he tries to deflect or minimise, deep down he is a misogynist just like his friend.

I'd be tempted to let the friend's partner know about his behaviour, if I was able to. As well as the sober conversation at home.

What you call your DP being ‘sheepish’, I would call guilt.

he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

Oooh, I wonder who that could have been? 🤔

Your partner is just like his mate. He's just better at putting on a show for you.