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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

209 replies

LeonieJD · 28/03/2025 20:11

I’m just back from giving DP and his friend a lift into town.

This was the first time I’ve properly met him, and wow, I’m in disbelief.

They had a couple of drinks here before going out - DP’s friend was joking and asking how much I know about his ‘antics’ at Uni and in his 20’s.

Gentle ribbing turned into his friend referring to past partners as ‘whales’, saying they’d ’pull a pig’ for a laugh and then referring to one specific woman as a ‘paper bag job’ All WHILST I WAS SAT THERE!!

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

AIBU to say I never want to meet this pathetic ‘man’ again?

OP posts:
Sifflet · 29/03/2025 09:57

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 09:24

They are not best friends - he sees him twice a year at most

Show quote history

And yet you describe them as ‘best friends’ in your thread title.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 29/03/2025 09:53

I'm assuming, as your Partner is quiet and unassuming, that he will never see this rude, misogynist again?

Original poster
LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 09:51

RubyOrca · 29/03/2025 09:49

You can definitely talk to your DP about his friends and how shocked/horrified you were. You can decide to interact with his friend.

but no - disliking someone is way too low a bar to ban your DP from having his friends around. You might find he isn’ta huge fan of some of your friends.

not allowing a partner to spend time with friends is a tactic to isolate and control. Might not be your intent but it’s a genuine problem so deserves very careful consideration. The threshold needs to be high.

Yeah - I was stressed in the immediate aftermath and the neighbour comment was the final straw.
I highly doubt DP will invite him again.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 29/03/2025 09:50

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 09:39

It’s unusual for DP to talk in that sort of way - heck, sometimes I wish he was a bit more direct in the bedroom! He says his friend added that detail to stitch him up and I believe him

It is unusual for your dp to talk like that around you. Around his friends he doesn't have the same problem. Wake up @LeonieJD .

RubyOrca · 29/03/2025 09:49

You can definitely talk to your DP about his friends and how shocked/horrified you were. You can decide to interact with his friend.

but no - disliking someone is way too low a bar to ban your DP from having his friends around. You might find he isn’ta huge fan of some of your friends.

not allowing a partner to spend time with friends is a tactic to isolate and control. Might not be your intent but it’s a genuine problem so deserves very careful consideration. The threshold needs to be high.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2025 09:46

You are woefully naive op, and I feel very very sorry for you.

a confident women would have laughed in his face when he tried to claim ‘he only called her pretty.’ Surely surely you cannot believe that?!

im afraid no one can help you here.

Original poster
LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 09:39

It’s unusual for DP to talk in that sort of way - heck, sometimes I wish he was a bit more direct in the bedroom! He says his friend added that detail to stitch him up and I believe him

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 29/03/2025 09:32

Sifflet · 29/03/2025 09:18

And yet you’re marrying someone whose best friend casually objectifies women in your presence? Who presumably thinks that’s a normal way to behave?

Show quote history

Yes and in front of a friend who doesn't think that behaviour is appropriate or acceptable.

Nah, he'd rather lie than apologise for being a twat

GreyCarpet · 29/03/2025 09:28

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 09:24

They are not best friends - he sees him twice a year at most

Show quote history

But you refer to him as your partner's best friend in the title of the thread!

You can choose to believe his lies to you and you can choose to lie to yourself but it's pointless trying to lie to strangers who have no vested interest in pretending your words mean anything other than what they say.

TheGentleOpalMember · 29/03/2025 09:28

‘is that the fit one with the arse?’

Is that the one with the fit arse.

That is very very specific, op, and you know it. Not just a 'pretty woman'.

You can't be this desperate for a man, surely that you ignore the most base level common sense and critical thinking.

Middleagedstriker · 29/03/2025 09:26

You are a fool for believing him. "Bless him" dear god.
I

TheGentleOpalMember · 29/03/2025 09:26

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 09:24

They are not best friends - he sees him twice a year at most

Show quote history

I have best friends that I see less than that. If he saw this bloke once ever 3 or 5 years, ok. But twice a year is still a lot imo for someone he is not close to.

MarkingBad · 29/03/2025 09:25

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 09:24

They are not best friends - he sees him twice a year at most

Show quote history

Your title says they are best friends.

Original poster
LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 09:24

Sifflet · 29/03/2025 09:18

And yet you’re marrying someone whose best friend casually objectifies women in your presence? Who presumably thinks that’s a normal way to behave?

Show quote history

They are not best friends - he sees him twice a year at most

OP posts:
Sifflet · 29/03/2025 09:18

LeonieJD · 28/03/2025 22:12

It was his friend who made the comments - I absolutely wouldn’t marry someone like that!!

Show quote history

And yet you’re marrying someone whose best friend casually objectifies women in your presence? Who presumably thinks that’s a normal way to behave?

Podgeys1 · 29/03/2025 09:14

StrawberryDream24 · 29/03/2025 09:07

DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.
Bless him - it seems his friend was just trying to stitch him up

🙄

Bless him🙄🤣

TheGentleOpalMember · 29/03/2025 09:12

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 08:59

DP is mortified this morning - he has apologised profusely for his friend and feels they have drifted apart over the years but sees him ‘out of duty’.

It seems there was a large amount of poetic licence re. the neighbour comment. What that stems from is a group conversation on their Christmas night out around the different type of neighbours they all have (a couple of his friends have some real nightmare’s). DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.

Bless him - it seems his friend was just trying to stitch him up and DP won’t be in a rush to invite him back!

DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.

Please wake up. Nice arse is quite specific.

Isn't it? It is quite specific.

It didn't come from nowhere. And you know it. If you believe the half-arsed (pun not intended) 'excuse' from your partner, I don't know what to tell you.

MarkingBad · 29/03/2025 09:11

What a shame he wasn't mortified at the time.

Sheepish behaviour stems from guilty feelings.

No one sees friends out of duty.

StrawberryDream24 · 29/03/2025 09:07

DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.
Bless him - it seems his friend was just trying to stitch him up

🙄

Beeloux · 29/03/2025 09:04

I would have told him to fuck off and make him exit the car. What an awful man. I bet he’s a rotter himself, it’s always the self conscious men that enjoy putting woman down.
I would also be very pissed off with dh talking about the neighbours bum.

GreyCarpet · 29/03/2025 09:03

Yes.

Bless him...

🙄

Original poster
LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 08:59

DP is mortified this morning - he has apologised profusely for his friend and feels they have drifted apart over the years but sees him ‘out of duty’.

It seems there was a large amount of poetic licence re. the neighbour comment. What that stems from is a group conversation on their Christmas night out around the different type of neighbours they all have (a couple of his friends have some real nightmare’s). DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.

Bless him - it seems his friend was just trying to stitch him up and DP won’t be in a rush to invite him back!

OP posts:
Phobiaphobic · 29/03/2025 08:58

Aesop — 'A man is known by the company he keeps'

MelSchillingsEyebrows · 29/03/2025 08:30

I would have pulled over and told him to get out and offered DP to go with him if he really is happy to listen to the drivel his mate comes out with.

Sadly, I agree with PP's. Your DP will be just like this or the friendship wouldn't have lasted all these years.

Some men never actually grow up but stay in a sort of 14yo boy mode forever.

DonnyBurrito · 29/03/2025 08:25

Hmm. If I had a super hot neighbour, I might tell my friend about it, if we were having a conversation about neighbours or something... I could say "He's really easy on the eye and has a great bum" and my mate could then paraphrase that into a crass "Fit one with an arse"!
Talk to him to find out what that conversation entailed exactly, but just speaking to their friend about someone they find attractive isn't some heinous crime against civilization.

You can always directly challenge the friend, you know? You're not actually a taxi driver that has to keep their nose out. You could say "Oh wow, that's a really horrible way to speak about someone" and assert yourself as a feminist. I get you were likely in shock and weren't expecting to hear all that shite, though. If there's a next time, I would just get involved in the conversation and challenge him. If the friend is rude to you, then your DP will (should hopefully!) start to want to distance from him anyway.