Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

209 replies

LeonieJD · 28/03/2025 20:11

I’m just back from giving DP and his friend a lift into town.

This was the first time I’ve properly met him, and wow, I’m in disbelief.

They had a couple of drinks here before going out - DP’s friend was joking and asking how much I know about his ‘antics’ at Uni and in his 20’s.

Gentle ribbing turned into his friend referring to past partners as ‘whales’, saying they’d ’pull a pig’ for a laugh and then referring to one specific woman as a ‘paper bag job’ All WHILST I WAS SAT THERE!!

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

AIBU to say I never want to meet this pathetic ‘man’ again?

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 29/03/2025 23:08

DinaofCloud9 · 29/03/2025 21:41

I think it's the people replying who are the gullible ones to be honest.

Show quote history

In what way?

DinaofCloud9 · 29/03/2025 21:41

ClairDeLaLune · 29/03/2025 10:11

Oh sweet OP, how gullible you are

Show quote history

I think it's the people replying who are the gullible ones to be honest.

JHound · 29/03/2025 21:37

Beeinalily · 29/03/2025 11:18

God almighty there's a lot of man hating on this thread!

It’s all in your head.

JHound · 29/03/2025 21:31

JessieLongleg · 29/03/2025 10:02

I would get rid of the boyfriend as will he spent his 20 abusing women and for sexual gratification. He seems nothing wrong with it as still talks to his friend similar about women you know!

This. People are talking about his neighbour (and I am not sure I am massively bothered by that) but the way they treated women in their 20s is absolutely disgusting. That would give me an “ick” I probably could not come back from.

JHound · 29/03/2025 21:27

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 08:59

DP is mortified this morning - he has apologised profusely for his friend and feels they have drifted apart over the years but sees him ‘out of duty’.

It seems there was a large amount of poetic licence re. the neighbour comment. What that stems from is a group conversation on their Christmas night out around the different type of neighbours they all have (a couple of his friends have some real nightmare’s). DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.

Bless him - it seems his friend was just trying to stitch him up and DP won’t be in a rush to invite him back!

When I was young I used to fall for men’s BS too.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/03/2025 21:27

is there going to be some kind of drip feed that your "partner" is 14?

JHound · 29/03/2025 21:26

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 08:59

DP is mortified this morning - he has apologised profusely for his friend and feels they have drifted apart over the years but sees him ‘out of duty’.

It seems there was a large amount of poetic licence re. the neighbour comment. What that stems from is a group conversation on their Christmas night out around the different type of neighbours they all have (a couple of his friends have some real nightmare’s). DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.

Bless him - it seems his friend was just trying to stitch him up and DP won’t be in a rush to invite him back!

Did your partake in the same behaviour as his friend at university?

JHound · 29/03/2025 21:22

TheSassyTraybake · 29/03/2025 08:02

Good for you. Doesn’t give you a licence to give terrible, potentially life changing advice to a stranger on the internet knowing next to nothing about her or her DP. Which people do on here all the time.

Show quote history

The stranger posted asking for advice.

JHound · 29/03/2025 21:13

TheSassyTraybake · 28/03/2025 23:51

So I’m not saying what was said was in anyway ok, what you choose to do about it is your call.

But this kind of post is ripe for a bit of the mumsnet equivalent of dick swinging. “I’d leave him” “I’d have stopped the car” etc. It’s a bit like parents telling kids they’ll turn the car around if they don’t behave. It’s an empty threat. They don’t really mean it. And I think the replies here are the same. Bit of looking tough on the internet but people wouldn’t do what they’re saying in real life.

I would end it. I have ended things with men over far less.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2025 18:57

Beeinalily · 29/03/2025 18:02

@StrawberryDream24 try reversing the genders and see how it sounds.

So I’ve reversed the sexes. Never once have I met a female who would deliberately try to pull an ugly bloke for fun, to laugh about with friends. Because that would be an utterly horrible thing to do.

Beeinalily · 29/03/2025 18:02

@StrawberryDream24 try reversing the genders and see how it sounds.

CautiousLurker01 · 29/03/2025 16:30

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 11:03

How is he a misogynist? He didn’t make the comments.

Show quote history

Really glad it turns out that he has not been taking part in lewd conversations after all. Friend sounds like a nasty piece of work. Am sure it was a learning experience for DP, too, in how much people change. Hope he gives him a wide berth hereafter - and maybe finds the courage to tell him to pipe down and behave next time.

StrawberryDream24 · 29/03/2025 14:40

Beeinalily · 29/03/2025 11:18

God almighty there's a lot of man hating on this thread!

There really isn't.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 29/03/2025 13:34

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 11:03

How is he a misogynist? He didn’t make the comments.

Show quote history

Happily went out on the piss with the man who did make those comments though didn't he.

I'm a man. I know people who make comments like that. They're not my friends and I tell them to shut up if they say them in my company.

If someone who was a friend started saying stuff like that out of the blue, then I'd be telling him to piss out and cancelling my night out with him.

GreyCarpet · 29/03/2025 13:14

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 11:03

How is he a misogynist? He didn’t make the comments.

Show quote history

His past behaviours?

The fact he didn't challenge something that made him look like one (the neighbour comment)?

GreyCarpet · 29/03/2025 13:12

Ariel896 · 29/03/2025 12:36

If my partner had participated in pull a pig in the past I would immediately get rid. You’re putting all the focus on the twat friend when your DP sounds like the secret prick

I agree with this.

GreyCarpet · 29/03/2025 13:12

Sifflet · 29/03/2025 10:00

I think that’s true that the OP’s partner sounds like a total sap. But I can’t say I’d be bothering with a partner who has a mode of male-only knuckle-dragging chat.

Show quote history

No, but unless (the general) you are present at every interaction, you've got no idea how men talk when they're at work or with their friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

Most of them would also be mortified if their partners heard it. So that, in itself, means nothing.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2025 13:06

I’m not sure what’s more damaging in present society - the far far too many abhorrent men, or the slightly fewer but still far too many women who accept it. Yes victim blaming but it needs to be talked about. If women, en masse, said no to this awful behaviour, would it erase it?

kattaduck · 29/03/2025 12:55

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 11:03

How is he a misogynist? He didn’t make the comments.

Show quote history

Tolerating and perpetuating misogynistic talk does make you a misogynist.

Look OP we all have different standards.
For me having been a victim of sexism and the subsequent way worse behavior from men I would only accept someone who openly speaks out against such behavior.
But you obviously have lower standards.

Just don't complain a couple years down the line when you have kids and he treats you as lesser in the relationship or cheats on you.

You chose this so you are obviously OK with it.

Ariel896 · 29/03/2025 12:36

If my partner had participated in pull a pig in the past I would immediately get rid. You’re putting all the focus on the twat friend when your DP sounds like the secret prick

MarkingBad · 29/03/2025 12:10

It's not just the neighbour comment either, there is the name calling of women like whales, pulling a pig, and paper bag job. I doubt that's the extent of it.

Did DF stitch him up there too?

Bitofanchange · 29/03/2025 12:01

Well said!

Do many posters first port of call
is end the relationship, I’m not so sure they’d be that quick themselves!

CautiousLurker01 · 29/03/2025 11:52

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/03/2025 11:35

Beeinalily · Today 11:18

God almighty there's a lot of man hating on this thread!

Is there? Love the men in my life, because they’re not dickheads like OP’s partner’s friend (and her partner, to a lesser extent).

If you believe such behaviour is acceptable, you really need to reconsider your standards.

Totally agree. My DS is 17 today and both he and his dad would NEVER talk about women like this. They have sisters, mothers, aunts and grandmothers and, in my DS’s case, a lovely GF too. Neither has been raised to be so revoltingly sexist and misogynistic. Nor would they choose to count males who are amongst their friends. Doesn’t mean that I can’t despise men like OP’s DP and his mate - ‘men’ aren’t a homogenous group.

CautiousLurker01 · 29/03/2025 11:48

Frankly I’d consider banning your DP from your house as well. The conversation did not exist in a vacuum judging by that comment about the neighbour - your DP is just as culpable in the sexist and misogynistic trash talk. Would give me the utter ick and he’s be gone too.

Poppyseeds79 · 29/03/2025 11:44

LeonieJD · 29/03/2025 11:03

How is he a misogynist? He didn’t make the comments.

Show quote history

Course he didn't 😏

He didn't single out the 'fit arsed woman in your street at all'. Of course they were having a conversation about neighbors and he mentioned 'elderly Beryl' too...

It's worse that he didn't just own it and say yes I find her attractive vs spinning you a load of nonsense and you desperately believed it. All you've done is arm him with the knowledge he can do stuff, tell you a load of old bollocks, and you'll lap it up.