To say I’ve had enough of adhd

I don't think anybody's slagging off ADHD. He's putting a child at risk of serious harm but doing nothing about it to help the situation. Are you saying people should be understanding of that? If his ADHD is that severe then he should understand that he needs to do something about it. He has choices, a helpless child does not. If OP leaves him, how on earth will he cope looking after his children on his own?

My DH has adhd and not medicated and he is everything but lazy. I would say he is much more over cautious than me when it comes to children. He will make sure they are safe and won't leave things lying around. He is a pita to live with though . I get overstimulated by his existence under the same roof. Constant fidgeting, unable to control his voice tone waking up the baby, slamming doors not deliberately but by force he has no control of, not listening, constantly on the go, him cooking in the kitchen is a absolute nightmare and I get dizzy watching him with cupboards flying around open and shut, listening to the same song on loud over and over again, accidentally bumping me with his elbow or stepping on my foot, every grasp he has is forceful, losing everything that he's touched, leaving the lights on and I could go on and on. It is absolutely tiresome.

At the end of the day, what does it matter if he’s got ADHD or not? If he’s an annoying fucker who you are sick of then get rid.

Personally you need to tell him how
annoyed you are. I imagine I’ve probably got ADHD. Have you tried to help him with any strategies? A box by the door to put his keys and wallet as soon as he gets in? Can you put an alarm on the gate so it beeps when it’s open?!

But people with all sorts of disabilities learn to live with them and become independent.

Blind people tend to have things in place to stop themselves losing things, i.e everything is put in the exact same place each day. This is what you have to do with ADHD, train yourself to do things in a certain way to avoid things like the op describes

Can you imagine what would happdn If you posted a thread asking if it was unreasonable to say you’ve had enough of cerebral palsy? But sure, slagging off ADHD is just expressing an opinion, carry on. We’ll all learn to stop being so lazy and annoying if enough normals tell us how awful it is to share a planet with us.

Does he realise he is shortening his lifespan by decades if he isn’t medicated

Same here

I also have 2 dc with adhd

Why doesn’t your dh take meds

Since starting medication I feel like I'm finally me. My thoughts have slowed down enough to allow me to think of what I want to say before I speak instead of blurting stuff out, then beating myself up later. I no longer go to bed every night feeling ashamed of myself. My flat is now relatively tidy because it suddenly dawned on me that I could store things in labelled boxes, instead of just throwing random things into a cupboard which would inevitably come crashing down on me the next time I opened it.

Every journey is still a bloody mad dash though.

Airtags have been transformative. Could you put a contact alarm on the staircase?

If anyone has a solution for clothes on the floor I am all ears.

DS is currently undergoing assessment for ADHD. I left his DF several years ago as a result of all you describe. He refused then and refuses now to recognise the possibility that he has ADHD himself. Earlier in a relationship these things may not impact a partner so much so are easier to overlook, but once you have DC it’s different. He drove me to distraction and he became like having an extra child. I was doing everything. And reminding and asking him to do things… repeatedly because he would not process what was said the first time, led to accusations of me ‘going on’ at him. I’m much happier without him but I am still almost wholly responsible for the DC, their admin and thinking forwards about their future needs. I feel for you OP.

OP, I get you’re frustrated but being fed up of a disability rather than fed up of your husband is ableism.
To those people who roll their eyes and declare adhd to be some kind of ‘trend’ I can assure you it’s a very real disability (I was diagnosed in 1989) and wrecks some people’s ability to live a normal life.

Same!!

This is unfair on OP. Unmanaged ADHD can take a toll on the loved ones around the person, which is probably what OP is experiencing.

Yes, he will never suddenly wake up and not have ADHD, but he can certainly take steps to help manage himself and have a better home life.

There's ADHD, and there's being a dickhead. I appreciate the two things aren't mutually exclusive.

My DH has ADHD. My eldest son has ADHD. My twins, I'm pretty sure the girl has but too young to diagnose.

My husband can be utterly useless, and it drives me to fucking distraction...but no matter how much it drives me, he gets more frustrated at himself than anyone else ever could.

He wishes he didn't lose everything he touches. He wishes he didn't spill every meal down himself. He wishes he didn't forget at least 3 meetings a week.

However, the leaving towels and clothes all over the floor, that's him being bone idle.

He won't medicate either. But the difference in our situations is that mine doesn't make excuses or try and project his issues as my fault.

Your DH appears to be more leaning towards being a dickhead with ADHD, as opposed to you not coping with a partner with ADHD.

You appear to have married a man you actively hate. I don't think it's ADHD that's the problem here. You just really dislike him. It's not like he's suddenly acquired ADHD late in your relationship. Did you marry him thinking he'd suddenly change into an organised and focused person who would suddenly become capable of re-wiring his brain?

Good point here! When I’m supporting my husband (OP, my husband, different circumstance but going through same), it’s ‘can’t’, when I’m resenting it’s ‘won’t’!

That's what I thought too when I read the post. My adhd drives me nuts. My life I'd full of missed opportunities. My poor dh! The things I forget. The things I loose. But am also happy am me. And sometimes the idea of medicating my adhd scared me. What if the meds cures/blunts me? Will I know me? Can it mitigate habits of a life time. But I think I will dive in. Can't walk away from me can I?

If he were willing (even if it's done with the intention of shutting you up about it - you work with what you've got), he could attempt to train his muscle memory so that the gate is shut as part of the going through the gate in the first place. It's like how I only ever touch the front door with my keys actually in the same hand that turns the handle; that ensures I can't walk through the door and shut it without them being in my possession - my keys are sort of like a talisman or charm that makes the door open, as I can't bring myself to touch the handle without them in my hand now. unlike DP who still locks himself out when doing the bins sometimes. And yes, I take my time to open the door to him when that happens, especially when it's raining.

It would be something like always touching the gate/not taking his hand off it as he walks through and turning to close it before letting go and walking off.

The problem is him also being a fucking dickhead, though.

This does definitely have more than a whiff of weaponised incompetence about it, despite the ADHD. I know how hard it is, but he really does need to be willing to help you out here! It’s really unfair on you. So surely it has to come down to professional marriage counselling, or divorce? I’m sorry he’s being so stubborn.

Sounds like ADHD to me.

OP you can call it any time. You're never being unreasonable to end a relationship you don't want to be in.

I have ADHD. I lose my keys every morning. I can't get by without a diary and tick lists and calendar in the kitchen with everything written down. I can get lost within half a mile of my home. I find noise overload so difficult I wear noise cancelling earphones almost every day.
I also run a small business and a household, and have these last 30 years because I am not bone idle.

It sounds like it's him you've (understandably) had enough of rather than the ADHD. A lazy twit is still a lazy twit, ADHD or not.

I'd be very surprised if he behaves like this at work.