He invaded my space/was creepy. I feel angry - even days afterwards.

But you were drinking at a bar so you can see where there may have been some confusion. Doesn’t excuse his behaviour but drinking at a bar working isn’t exactly screaming professional.

I completely disagree about not telling the manager. They need to know if someone is pestering women on their premises. Better to kick one man out than lose a lot of female customers.

@Laiste He deserved his loneliness though didn’t he.

I was pestered at lunch once in a little cafe by a man who wanted to take me out to dinner. I said no more than once and then said look I’m married, he said he didn’t mind. I said I did married or not.

Not sure I agree. Most reputable establishments do not want creepy men frequenting their premises annoying their female clientele. If you were to report to the management you might find he has done this once to often and they could bar him from the premises.

They aren’t police officers. Unless he’s actually doing something wrong, which he wasn’t, then she should let the poor hotel manager get on with his or her busy and stressful job which already includes dealing with tonnes of dickheads all day long. I’m sure if he escalated the manager would feel a sense of responsibility and step in, but what do you want them to do? Go about kicking someone out and getting themself into a potentially dangerous situation because a woman had a conversation with a man who had the nerve to touch her hand once? How would they even say it? Sorry you’re going to have to leave because, though I have no evidence of it, you have been dubbed a creep…?

I get he was a creep but really enough with people expecting hospitality workers to be bloody police too.

These things are never your fault.

Speak to the staff - and be very clear that he was creepy, you don't know him, he is never to pay for your bill. Ask whether he actually is a regular, and make sure they know he may be pestering other female customers. Ask whether they're part of Ask For Angela, and what their procedures are, so you know you can expect help if he shows up again.

Beyond that - if you feel able to, speak loudly and say "I don't know you, why are you talking to me? You are being creepy. Why are you talking to a strange woman? I don't want to talk to you. Go away. Leave me alone. Fuck off you creep."
I've done this in public (admittedly in the street and public transport, rather than somewhere nice) and it makes them back off swiftly and look worried. Plus there is the bonus of calling yourself a strange woman 😁

You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't particularly engage in conversation, was polite but clearly not interested. I do wonder if some men are just so thick skinned, that they can't read body language and behaviours. A woman appears disinterested, yet they still try again (and again), to engage with her. It's then when a woman feels she needs to be blunt and the man is all offended and doesn't see what he's done wrong. I honestly believe politeness is often seen as encouragement, rather than what it is. I haven't experienced anything like this for quite some time, but the last time I was out with my friend and a couple of blokes started chatting us up. Being older (with zero tolerance for bull shit!), I automatically just said 'I'm married, and even if I wasn't I wouldn't be interested, sorry nothing personal'. It was polite but blunt, and there's no misunderstanding of where they stood!! Don't let this creepy man stop you from enjoying your local.

OP it is understandable this would be bothering you

what a twit

I think this is good advice. Also, to any poster saying ‘are you married?’ ‘Tell him you’re married’ - do me a favour. Single women are allowed not to be harassed and don’t have to pander to men by pretending to be married just to avoid being harassed.

If he had thought this, he would have realised that the OP wasn't a sex worker the moment she declined to encourage him in any way. But he continued to keep trying to engage with her.

YANBU to be thinking of it days later OP

Last week i had some bloke following me round Tesco.

For context when i was a teen i travelled a lot around London on busses and trains and pretty much every single outing had me having to dodge at least one episode of unwanted physical male attention and lots of cat calls and chat up attempts ending in unpleasantness. (can't believe the 'lesbian' line is sill being trotted out!) It was normal life. I suffered a serious assault once and just finished my journey afterwards without telling anyone because i didn't know what to do.

However i haven't had to endure any of that sort of shit for years. I live in a sleepy village with DH now and we hardly go out!

This Tesco guy though - up and down every aisle there he bloody was. You know when you just know? Getting his trolly in my way and pretending it was an amusing accident. Every aisle. Needing to look all the same things i was looking at. Every aisle. Commenting on what i was picking up. I was ignoring him, but he kept on.

I doubled back and lost him and hid, to my shame, in the veg aisle behind a handy head height sign. I watched him looking for me! His head swivelling round, back tracking and rushing up and down the aisles.

I felt like a daft 15 year old again. I needed to just tell him to fuck off. But you keep thinking 'they'll probably get the message and are going to stop now. Just ignore them and they'll go away'. And 'i don't want to seem mean if he's lonely ...' 🙄 ugh

Anyhoo i managed to do the next bit of shopping in peace before he bloody found me again just before i went to the checkout. I barged past him and did self check out and although he tried to also there wasn't a free till and i got away.

I know when i go again (because it will be the same sort of time and day) i'm going to be checking he's not there at first. How ridiculous at my age. And it's such a small thing. He didn't touch me. I think it's all the pestering bad memories i have set me off.

I would email the hotel company re allowing someone to pay for your food/drink. That is quite dangerous behaviour. He could decide to wait around outside for payment.

A lot of hotel bars are used as hook up opportunities, from both sexes. Which is what he's gone looking for, rather than thinking you are a sex worker.

Exactly.

OP we have all had these and you are right, the anger stays with you. I'm still angry about one that happened when I was in my early 30s and I'm 45 now!

I wouldn't tell him to fuck off in a nice hotel or similar - personally. I think tactically you want to get people around you on your side. Instead, I would say loudly and exasperatedly,

"I've told you I'm busy. I don't know who you are. Please leave me alone."

People will turn and look and there is an even chance someone will ask if you are okay at which point you say "I'm just minding my own business and this man won't leave me alone!"

Generally unless CreepyMan is.properly insane he will splutter and back off. He might be angry but he's unlikely to do anything in front of others.

If you're a regular there I would speak to the manager about that, OP. I'm with you - I'd want to tell him to fuck off but wouldn't out of some misguided idea of being polite.

I was in a foyer of a posh hotel at 5pm in the evening last summer, with my children and a man called over and said 'excuse me but are you single?' I was totally shocked and laughed at the audacity. I said 'no!' And he looked at the kids I a kind of 'was worth a shot' kind of tone and said 'yeah I thought not'. Many men will not be deterred until you tell them you're married. Sad but true.

@septembernights no way would I stay away .
I’d there’s a next time tell him straight to piss off out your space and you can pay for your own drinks .

This is the worst! What arrogance to think the only reason you're not attracted to him must be because you're not attracted to men. Ludicrous ego.

I agree with the suggestion above to have a quiet word with the staff/manager - they know you, and they won't want a guy like this scaring off their customers. It would be such a shame to be driven out of somewhere you like because of this man's sense of entitlement.

When this happens, I go to the bar and tell them someone is pestering me. They nearly always deal with it.

I'm sorry you've had to put up with this from this creep. I have found that a hard stare works. As in prolonged eye contact in an unfriendly way.
But if not, yes, straight talking: "I'm not interested" and turn away.
As I've got older I've become more forceful and less worried about drawing attention to myself or offending people in this kind of situation. They started it, after all. The last time it happened the guy said "Oh, so you're a lesbian, then?" 🙄and I said "No, just not interested in you!".

What a knobber! How dare he? This is why I don’t go into pubs and bars alone, which is wrong in and of itself. We should feel safe and comfortable and not like we’re about to be hit on. I’d have been doubly fucked off thag I was trying to complete a piece of work as well - he’s not only angered you, assaulted you and insulted you, he’s stopped you hitting a deadline as well. I honestly think you were well within your rights to shout DON’T TOUCH ME the second he put his hand on your shoulder.

All of the above and a curt FUCK OFF!!

Well next time you see him you will know to tell him to fuck off. 'Fuck off, mate." Try it.

Seriously? Do you mean he thought OP was a prostitute? Because she was sitting having a quiet drink at a bar with her laptop? Jesus Christ. I genuinely can’t imagine anyone making that assumption - he would be utterly deluded and dangerous.

OP, you are right to be angry. He encroached on your space, did not leave you alone when you said you had work to do and settled your bill despite you earlier declining a drink. I would feel the same as you. Furious. Don’t be angry at yourself, it’s very easy to think in hindsight of behaving more forcefully etc. And don’t be put off from going back. He likely won’t be there, if he is - you can tell him to fuck off.

That sounds awful 😖

I dont know if your married OP? It's the first thing I say when a man comes near! Sorry I'm married and I'm busy! First sentence.. it works!