He invaded my space/was creepy. I feel angry - even days afterwards.

"You are intruding on my time and space. Please leave me alone".

Works for me. You don't owe him an explanation for why you don't want him there. It's not his right to take your time.

You’re right. And I think it’s worth the op mentioning it too - and, as another op said, that it may be this man regularly does this, and her bringing it up with the hotel would help them give him the heave ho.

My issue is definitely with the pressure and expectations placed on staff (and the awful behaviour of some people…mainly men) rather than anything else.

If she does report this to them, I hope the hotel handles it with the level of sophistication and care I am certain you would.

I think we are probably more aligned in our views than might have first come across. Maybe where we land on common ground is that everyone wants a safe place to have a drink and to work, and sometimes that can mean a quiet word to a customer whose behaviour isn’t a good fit. From the OP’s post, I did conjure up a mental image of a classy city centre hotel bar and put myself in situ, but you’re right, it’s not a one size fits all solution. I’d hate the OP to feel ‘oh well, can’t go there again’ hence my suggestion she go in and speak to them. And they may well say ‘so? What do you expect us to do?’ Or they may say ‘thanks a million, sorry about that.’

I get the impression, and I could be wrong, that you’ve worked in good hotels and clearly you are well trained. In America?

I totally agree with you. Unfortunately in the uk, in anywhere expect actually nice hotels, the behaviour is shit. And yeah lots of nice people won’t have a clue how shit the behaviour is because they live in their own little bubble but ask any bar worker in any city in the uk and they will tell you. And no not every encounter needs to escalate but can you not see how people using the word ‘responsibility’ puts an unrealistic expectation and demand on people who are in a low paid stressful job and who (even in nice hotels) have to put up with people’s bad manners and bad behaviour regularly.

Ive worked in an entire range of venue, both uk and abroad (not America) so am not just speaking from oh I worked in a rough bar once point of view. But the word responibility is being used sweepingly for what’s expected of bar staff in any venue and I’m not comfortable with that. people using it aren’t discriminating between good hotels, where the behaviour is likely to be 98% handleable with a quiet word, and a night club or pub where it could actually escalate quickly. They also aren’t discriminating between behaviour level (a bit of a creep guy and a full blown crazy person) - it is being implied it is their responsibility full stop.

Honestly, I think you’re thinking of worst case scenarios. It doesn’t have to be a conflict situation. A light ‘everything alright here?’ is very effective. I’m sorry you’ve experienced hostility and aggression; it shouldn’t happen for sure. But I’d hold to the view that the culture of a premises, and particularly hotels, is generally that customers who come in are to be protected and cherished so that they come back. That includes saying things like ‘let me drop those drinks over to you’ so you know nobody’s slipping in a pill en route to a table; enquiring ‘shall I keep these tabs separate?’; lingering at a table to lightly evaluate a situation; not saying things like ‘what’s your room number?’ in front of other customers; and even watching out for someone following a woman into a lift. I’m sure you picked up on some of these if you’ve worked in hospitality. I wouldn’t call it policing, but I would see it as part of the hospitality experience.

@SallyDraperGetInHere Yeah, and I would be alert to it too. I would go and intervene. I would be the one getting bottled. I have been. More than once. More than multiple times have I been on the receiving end of some tosser because I was the manager or the bar staff or whichever. BUT that is not my ‘responsibility’, and 100% not my staff’s ‘responsibility’. It is actually the police who sign up for that responsibility and anyone trying to convince the general public to believe that untrained people should hold the position of tackling antisocial behaviour is bang out of order.

A manager will be used to dealing with this kind of shit, but it would actually be good for people to acknowledge how this is putting them in danger too, not just expect it as part of their role! especially not staff. I mean, do you expect a bus driver to step in and help solve a fight on the bus, sure, but it isn’t their responsibility. They’re paid to drive a bloody bus. Same for bar staff. In fact, I dare say there’s no responsibility full stop because there absolutely should not be behaviour that demands them to intervene in the first place. The righteous and snobby disregard for hospitality workers is just awful. All service industry actually. I include healthcare workers in that too-always expected to fling themselves in danger’s way with no thanks.

I would encourage any bar staff or similar role holder to call the police if they feel in any way uncomfortable. Don’t feel you need to martyr yourself or put yourself at risk because you’re being pressured by the general public to take on a role you’re not paid for or trained for. And no one should look down on someone because they’re too scared or out of their depth to do so.

i understand that was unsettling, annoying but to think about it days later!? and holding on to so much anger??! just get over it!
Next time, tell him you are not interested and to leave you alone, full stop!
I will not be changing my habits because of one unpleasant lonely man! Get a grip!

Strong disagree. Pestering of other customers is definitely something hospitality staff don’t like. I worked as a duty manager for years and would actively watch out for this. I’d have visited the table to check on you.

In the US it’s much more common for men to send a drink over ‘to the lady’ but to sit at a table uninvited is something staff should be alert to. And I’d agree he’s possibly done it before, and cruises hotel bars to seek out women.

I’d email or (better) call in and ask to speak to the manager on duty.

Bar staff have a responsibility?! Are you serious? No they don’t. Literally in no way and you clearly have no idea the shit and dangerous situations bar staff get put in just by existing. There is no oath of the bar tender where you swear to accept minimum wage in return to being protector of the community. That’s the police you’re thinking of. And where do you think they get the training for ‘different ways of doing this?’ - not enough they have to train for bomb and terrorist threats, you now want them to take courses in negotiation and conflict resolution too? And after your bar staff hero has swooped to your rescue, and you’ve left and are cosy in your bed, who do you think has the creep outside at closing waiting for them? You can ask them for help as fellow human beings but ‘responsible’? No they are not.

The exact same happened to me. Also 30 years ago. I was alone in the carriage with him. It was very scary. I got off the train and told the guards. He’d got off too and hid on the platform. Police were called and we were both taken to the station. I was kept there for a while and asked some questions. I was told that he had been really reasonable to voluntarily go to the station. I was made to feel in the wrong. Nothing was done.

He was over bearing

We all need to stand up and shout fuck off to any man that is overstepping and causing anxiety. Obviously we can’t though. I don’t know the answer.

Bar staff have a responsibility to protect women in the bar. There are different ways of doing this. It sounds like you've had bad experiences of doing this, but this is an essential part of the job.

And that doesn't always work. Said it to a guy on the bus once, his reply was that my husband wouldn't mind!

Sorry Op I know this was different from your situation but your op reminded me of it. It was a man behaved appallingly and i didn’t / couldn’t respond in the appropriate way which would have been to tell him to Fuck off. Actually in my situation i needed to call on the many passers by/bystanders that would have been very willing to help. But i felt frozen for some reason.

I think you did really well actually. It's hard when you're confronted by this sort of behaviour.

I actually do think it's worth having a word with the manager - you say the staff know you quite well. Let them know what happened and that you didn't appreciate them letting him pay your bill. And if you do go back and he's there, sit by the bar and if he comes near you, tell him firmly you don't want to chat and look for support from the staff.

It's the entitlement, isn't it? Fucking infuriating.

Just say you have a boyfriend/husband the next time….

And I'm sorry, but sex workers also deserve consent and physical boundaries to be respected.

Even if you were "working" as PP put it, he still has NO right to touch or persist with talking to a woman who repeatedly shuts him down.

He ignored very normal and reasonable social cues given by you.

I was in a railway station i got a coffee. An old man sat down at the table and i talked to him politely because I was very young about 18 and very immature. Didn’t even occur to me to cut him dead. I would now though. Train was about to arrive and i went over to wait. He came over and in front of everyone he started saying that we have to get a booth together and have sex. I was horrified. I looked around and everyone was watching and I thought someone would help. But i wasn’t saying anything. I did not say go away you nasty creep i do not know you. Leave me alone. So no one else knew what i was thinking. I was in a state. I don’t even know if he got on the train. I got on and walked up and there was a seat opposite a nun. And i sat there really glad although I’m not sure what she would have done to help! I look back now and i know what to do. I am wary of everyone! Innocence was a curse.

I actually think it was quite creepy how he made a point to mention that he would likely run into you again, after your refused to give him your number.

He wanted you to know you may run into him at any point. That this regular place of yours is now no longer safe from him.

I think calling him mistaken or "just persistent" or telling you that you should be firmer with him is minimising how what he said could actually be quite threatening.

You repeatedly made it clear you weren't interested and he repeatedly crossed lines, including touching you.

The fact that some PP are minimising this is WILD to me.

Unbelievable - I know it’s infuriating but you kept your cool and dealt with it well, even though he was being an idiot and a creep - I think your response was probably what most people would have done in that situation. Over 30 years ago now a guy sat opposite me on a train late one night and he unzipped his trousers and pleasured himself in front of me in a very threatening way - he pulled out the side of his coat so no one else on the train could see him. I was terrified, completely frozen, didn’t move seats, and got off the train as soon as I could and ran home looking over my shoulder the whole time for fear he was following me. I am still furious every single time I think of it, that he got away with it, that I didn’t scream at him, that I didn’t move away and that I didn’t report him to the police. The crap we have to deal with eh. Hope you’re ok x

I don't get why you are angry about it! If polite refusal doesn't work, just be less polite.