He invaded my space/was creepy. I feel angry - even days afterwards.

No I didn’t miss that I wrote it or what I wrote or when I wrote it.

No I get it. You were clearly busy, working/“working”/whatever and gave plenty of signs you were not interested in speaking to this man. I do think that however you responded he wasn’t going to just fuck off. Including if you literally said fuck off. He would have stayed to tell you what a bitch you are most likely.

I was having a conversation with my teenage daughter a while back about why so many men and boys don’t take no for an answer. And she’s literally never interested in them/doesn’t give off any kind of signal she’s interested on account of her being gay. How many of these guys have been told at some point “if the girl says no to dating you just keep trying”? I’d bet an awful lot. What we need to be telling boys is “if a girl says no to dating you, then leave her alone. She’s made her choice and that’s that.”

Were these men English?

No, but I think you did.

Fwiw I had a lot of this in the town where I'm from. Meals out with friends would be gatecrashed by desperate men and once the management of the place had to chase them away. One mam asked for my number and I said no. His response was 'are you serious?'. These men feel entitled to us! I went for coffee with a friend recently and put red lipstick on. As I was putting it on, I was asking myself 'am I doing the right thing putting this on?'. Of course, a man came over and sat beside me and my friend in the middle of the day and started asking if he could see me again and I felt so angry and told him to go back over to his friends. I spent the rest of the coffee date with my friend wishing I hadn't worn the red lipstick, which is so silly!

My mother always said to me that men will take anything as a come-on. She might have omitted the word 'some' from that sentence but certain men feel that when a woman is by herself of with female friends, she is suitably isolated and the field is ripe for picking. They make me so angry

Some of them love the ‘challenge’! And even that doesn’t work and makes them more eager

I’n case you're unaware, if this happens again, ask the bar staff for Angela and the manager will discreetly deal with him.

What are you on about? I said his behaviour wasn’t okay. I don’t think anyone drinking at a bar by themselves doing work on a laptop is very professional - no matter their gender - you went there I didn’t differentiate. Let’s not conflate the two. Why don’t you check your internalised misogyny - women also drink at bars and do business that way.

I know. You're right. It does get rid of most of them but then there are a few who are on some kind of persistent, entitled manosphere and see you as some kind of right.

Really there's no way other than to actually aggressively say to them 'Go away and leave me alone!' And wait for the 'oh I was just trying to be nice' attempts at a guilt trip.

Did you miss the part when I said his behaviour wasn’t okay?

Turning away is vital. This signifies that you are done speaking. Remain facing him after you say you're not interested and he'll persist. If he speaks after you've turned away ignore him. It's a good idea to practice this with a friend so that you have this b o r e d attitude down pat. Good luck.

This. He knows he made her uncomfortable and he doesn't care because her wishes/comfort dont matter to him.

I've been in a situation where I've encountered a man who made me uncomfortable many times (it was unavoidable) I made it as clear as I could that I wished to be left alone but it had no impact. The only thing I never did was scream "FUCKING FUCK OFF" in his face but I doubt that would've had an impact either because he only cared about his own wants. To hear other women rolling their eyes and telling OP to get a grip or consider herself flattered (only a matter of time before that pop's up, if it hasnt already) is disheartening as hell.

FUCKING MEN!!

I sympathise with you. Those minimising the experience are just different kinds of people - perhaps optimists rather than pessimists ( possibly with some internalised misogyny) - who assume positive motivations for male behaviour and who have perhaps been fortunate enough in life to have had few bad experiences or any consciousness of the dark underbelly.

He transgressed your boundaries - perhaps unconsciously - but I doubt it. He knew you were uncomfortable and busy doing something else but he didn’t care. I suspect this is why you are angry - and a little with yourself too ( though you shouldn’t be) because you didn’t cut him off more abruptly - I don’t blame you - seemingly normal respectable men can get very nasty when ‘ rejected’.

As a young women I did no more than roll my eyes at a young guy shouting at me in the street as I passed by - he came right up to my face in broad daylight and screamed right in it with flecks of spittle everywhere that I should be honoured by his attention ‘ugly slag’ that I was ( me in my covered up first work suit and sensible heels). This happens all too often. As I’ve got older - and despite an overwhelming majority of positive experiences with decent men - I have learned never to underestimate male sexual entitlement and their unquestioning expectation of female attention and service.

I’m middle aged now and I still see it. At a cafe a few weeks ago with plenty of spare tables I was enjoying my peace and reading when an old man asked if he could join me. He look benign - pleasant and harmless. Even now I had to correct my instinct born of Christian teaching and kindness to smile and say yes in case he was lonely. But no- I said politely and loudly that I’d prefer to be alone and fortunately a member of staff directed him to a neighbouring table. I didn’t feel guilty as I would have done when younger.

We do little girls no favours when telling them to be kind at the cost of their personal safety, comfort or even convenience.

EDIT: This was supposed to be a response to an earlier post suggesting it was impossible to interpret the guy's actions as anything but creepy...

Both your assumption and @Frenchie01 's assumption might or might not correct. Neither of you can be 100% sure. Not All Men etc etc.

But that's precisely the problem with this kind of behaviour. Women have been socialised to be polite and wise women have taught themselves to be wary. Good men need to be a lot better at removing themselves from positions of ambiguity.

I haven't got to the stage where I am immediately distrustful of any man's motive in striking up a conversation. I can see a situation where a man in a hotel lobby asks a woman who looks trustworthy to keep an eye on his bag (although there are lots of assumptions and implied obligations even in that request.)

But her first refusal then needs to be taken extremely seriously by the man. No means no. "No problem, sorry to bother you" is the only correct response. This is the behaviour I have taught my sons. You don't insist, you don't persuade. You take women at their word.

The touching, the payment, the final comment... all of these might well be some attempt to be charming and gentlemanly and old-fashioned, as @Frenchie01 suggests. It's kind of irrelevant.

At work, harrassment is defined by the way it makes the victim feel, not the intention of the perpetrator. The OP feels creeped out. We can't know if the guy "knew exactly what he was doing" but that isn't the standard we should judge his behaviour by.

He is a horrible creep OP who knew exactly what he was doing.
I'm in my 50s but was saying this to younger women at work.
We are trained as women not to cause a fuss or we are labelled "crazy/ psycho'.
I heard recently about the fight or flight responses being added to with freeze and fawn. I think this definitely applies to women in situations.
I was in Tesco recently getting a few things, walk past a man in his 50s or 60s saying to me "smile"., trying to get a reaction Maybe I looked miserable or he was trying to be funny, I said I'm happy and ignored him.
What I should have said was 'would you say that to a man?" I don't think so.
I have a teenage daughter about to school, I'm trying to encourage independence, it's a worry.
Now I'm older I ttry to care less about not offending people although it's hard at times when you are put in a situation And caught off guard.

I don't know, I don't see it that way. If a woman was trying to crack onto a guy in a pub, and he says he's a married man, does that mean he's the wife's 'property'?

Maybe they are each other's property, I guess.

So she’s not allowed to say no unless she’s working?

no means no.

Yes. The married thing suggests you are another man's property and he'd better back off in case other man turns up and gives him what for for pestering his 'property,'.
Not thar women have a right to say no to men themselves, for whatever reason.

This is incredibly annoying and unjust though, isn’t it? Men should back the fuck off whether you’re married or not. You shouldn’t have to share any personal information with them about your relationship status - a simple ‘go away’ should suffice.

Jesus Christ. "Veiled threat " " hardcore sexual predator " oh God if she sees him in there again and he bothers her , tell him to piss off. Failing that ask the staff to kick him out .

I really don’t think you get it.

You might be correct about this summary (I don’t think you are but that’s my view). But the point is the @septembernights nervous system or her spidery sensors or her gut feelings, whatever you want to call it, told her that this is not safe. She read that situation and felt it and it’s left her realing.

My worry about saying ‘it was over a week ago get over it’ is that we teach women and girls that these senses we have that inform us of threat should be ignored or we should get over it or we should just be polite is just dangerous. It simply is.

If this man had really felt bad about what he did he had so many other options other than step over her boundaries AGAIN.

He could have simply moved as far away from her as possible, turned his back on her and let her be. Instead her touched her not once but twice. I’m amazed you don’t see how creepy that is.

Don't let this creep stop you going to that bar OP. I think you reacted the way a lot of us would in the moment, when unprepared. Next time, be ready in case he appears and channel your inner warrior. "Please leave me alone I'm not interested" as the first, polite response. If he continues, "are you going to leave me alone or do I have to tell the bar manager that you're pestering me"?"

After that I'd engage the bar staff to deal with him. As much as it's tempting to shout 'fuck off' or something, I'd do my best to keep it civil for fear of antagonising him. Yes, I know, we shouldn't have to be like this, but too many people with "issues" out there who would do you harm as soon as look at you.

It absolutely is the bar manager’s responsibility to make sure customers aren’t harassed in the bar. As a licensed environment there is a duty on the staff to ensure customers don’t become a nuisance. If they develop a reputation for not reasonably helping women being being harassed on their premises they may find their licence does not get renewed.

Just gonna be honest. No point giving up your bar over this, he knows where you work.

Don't give up your bar for this man.