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AIBU?

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Original poster

He invaded my space/was creepy. I feel angry - even days afterwards.

160 replies

septembernights · 28/03/2025 19:11

Hi,

I was debating posting this, but I can't keep it in any longer and feel like I need a safe space to vent/question if I am being unreasonable.

The other day, after visiting my goddaughter, I had some time to kill - before heading out for dinner. I went to a hotel bar as I was in the city. It's a bar I've been going to for 20+ years. I had my work bag (thinking I was going to head to the office once free) but because dinner was nearby to where my goddaughter and her mother were - I decided to work at the bar. It's a lovely establishment, not loud etc... I also had a book in my bag.

I get to the bar and immediately 'feel' a man opposite staring at me. I shook it off and got my laptop/book out. Still, I could feel him staring. He then looked like he was leaving - great! He ended up coming over to me, saying hello - and asking if I could watch his stuff for him... except his stuff was on the other side of the bar...? I said 'I'm sure your stuff will be fine - no one is going to steal it!'

He then came back, got his belongings, sat next to me and offered me some chocolates - which was in one of the bags. I politely declined. He didn't relent/move. He acknowledged that he noticed the staff were familiar with me and said this place must be 'my local' - as it was his too. Great(!)

He ordered himself a drink - and offered me one. I said no. He then kept trying to chat - and after some polite interaction and I explained that I had work to do. He apologised and then touched me on my shoulder and in one movement - moved his hands down to mine and apologised again. I recoiled away from him. He must have thought he was being a gentleman in the way he was profusely apologising, but it really didn't feel like that.

I said I was going to move - at which point he proceeded to wrap up/leave. He asked for my number - I said no - and then said: 'Not to worry, since this is your local - I'm sure I'll see you in here again soon, no doubt...' - but he said it with a smile. He told me to 'take care' as he left. I found out he settled my check/bill - which annoyed me. I am capable of buying my own wine. I don't want to 'owe' him anything should I ever see him again.

It has been a few days now and I am mad - as in really angry. I'm angry that I wasn't stronger - even though he didn't do anything so awful. I feel like I can't go back to my place again. The older I get, the less patience I have. I wish I had the guts to speak up more and could have told him to F off. I'm tired of being 'nice' for fear of a man getting angry/violent.

Sorry if this is nonsensical - I'm just angry and raging. I'm getting my period next week, so maybe I am PMS-ing. But AIBU to feel angry days later? Why didn't I speak up? Why didn't I just move from the outset?

Please no abusive comments. I think I am just sensitive at the moment. :(

OP posts:
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Sunshineandoranges · 05/04/2025 18:01

Haven’t read the ft so someone might have suggested this..I think you should talk to 101 and ask if the police could check his photo on their records. He could be a real menace. Hopefully he is a harmless twit.

PinotDragon86 · 05/04/2025 17:52

Also I hope you haven't been too rattled by this piece of dirt ❤️

PinotDragon86 · 05/04/2025 17:51

Please log this with the police. I don't say that lightly. If it isn't you it will be someone else (please don't take that as a guilt trip, I mean it with the very best of intentions and feel you had a close call). This nut bag could be really dangerous, he may even have previous for this type of behaviour.

IDontHateRainbows · 05/04/2025 12:57

Jeez what a nut bag, glad the hotel took it seriously. He must have dome this before o other women, but maybe this is the first time he got caught.
He will no doubt be vengeful against you now as he will blame you for getting barred. Do take care.

Giggorata · 05/04/2025 09:36

So glad you're OK, OP. A very dangerous situation.
This man is already stalking you - hanging about for two hours until you leave demonstrates a level of obsession that is worrying.
Please make a full on complaint to the police, not just a log with 101 situation.
And above all, please be very careful and watchful from now.

Not going to that bar is a good start, but he knows where you work from the laptop, and this sort of person can persistently and easily find out more, your name, number, maybe even address.
Vary your routines, your routes to work, your usual habits. Beef up your home security. Don't walk anywhere alone. Yes, this sounds melodramatic, but look, this man pounced on you in the short distance between bar and Uber, oblivious to a driver and maybe passers by as witnesses. This is extreme.
I am not saying this to frighten you (and it is frightening) but to beg you to take steps to be safe.

Reddog1 · 05/04/2025 08:59

IOSTT · 04/04/2025 21:37

Definitely report to the police OP - he tried to push you into a car. He is a dangerous psychopath. When you said in your opening post he offered you some chocolates he had, I did think that seemed a random thing for him to bring to a bar, and wondered if the chocolates contained date rape drugs.

Edited

ooh yes - I hadn’t thought of the chocolates. Good point.
😡
OP I’d be inclined to report this to the police too.

Fraaances · 05/04/2025 07:40

Omg I am so glad you’re safe! This guy sounds very stalky/predatory. I’m also pleased you have CCTV footage in case he wanders around the area until you show again.
As for people criticizing you for working in a bar, well that’s insane. We should be able to sit in peace with our thoughts and not have to pretend to be grateful because some bloke has deigned to favour us with his attention! We shouldn’t have to fight for our right to our own space and time. As far as I am concerned, as long as you weren’t watching porn at that table, the laptop was a clear sign that you WEREN’T looking for attention.

SapporoBaby · 05/04/2025 07:28

Sorry I hadn’t RTFT

SapporoBaby · 05/04/2025 07:28

If you see him again, tell the staff. Warn them that he made you uncomfortable last time and you’d appreciate them intervening if he approaches you again. I used to run a bar and it happened more than you’d think and I was always happy to walk over and say ‘excuse me sir, but if you would please keep yourself to yourself we would appreciate it’. Then if they didn’t I’d tell them to leave and warn them if they did it again they’re barred.

It once resulted in me chasing a man out with a pool cue but I was happy to do so.

kiwiane · 05/04/2025 07:08

I would report this to the police - the fact that he was stalking you and touched you again is a concern.
I’m sorry but it seems he’s ruined this bar for you.

BadSkiingMum · 05/04/2025 06:41

Very scary and you are indeed owed an apology by a couple of flippant and dismissive people on this thread.

Please do report it. Whenever I have read about a prosecution of a sex offender, they always seem to have behaved this way to more than one woman. But your own experience certainly justifies calling the police in itself.

TheGentleOpalMember · 05/04/2025 03:53

This is why the ignorant bitches on here who like handmaidens tried to gaslight the OP and doubt her own instincts are, well, ignorant vile bitches. Women know. That man sounds incredibly dangerous, OP. Please be careful.

Agapornis · 04/04/2025 23:27

Jeez, I'm so glad the bar/hotel staff are helping you with this. Definitely report to the police if you feel able to - no doubt he'll try again with other women. Police will be able to trace him from card payments.

IOSTT · 04/04/2025 21:37

Definitely report to the police OP - he tried to push you into a car. He is a dangerous psychopath. When you said in your opening post he offered you some chocolates he had, I did think that seemed a random thing for him to bring to a bar, and wondered if the chocolates contained date rape drugs.

Reddog1 · 04/04/2025 21:22

Pathetic little incel.

Original poster
septembernights · 04/04/2025 21:05

bigboykitty · 04/04/2025 19:38

I'm so sorry you had to go through this further incident, @septembernights , but I'm not surprised he showed up again and I doubt you are either. Would you consider asking the bar for a CCTV image so you can report to the police, or ask them to save some images and stills so that the police can request them if you file a complaint. As I said previously, this man is a practised predator. Please be extra careful about your safety and security as he sounds angry and determined.

Hi,

Thank you for your message. We got the CCTV footage (I had a copy emailed to me). Stills were harder to capture - but he's been banned from the premises. He was seen pacing the street for approximately 2 hours. Crazy stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
septembernights · 04/04/2025 21:03

DearBee · 04/04/2025 16:46

Oh my god... at the update. OP, I am so glad you are ok and that the staff helped.

I know you shouldn't have to avoid the place, but honestly if I were you, I would, for now. He sounds like he has the potential to become a stalker. It's not worth it.

It makes me angry to even write that, as no way should you have to avoid your bar.

Hi. Thank you for your message. Yes, I think it's time to give the place a wide berth. A shame as I've been going there for so long.

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 04/04/2025 19:38

I'm so sorry you had to go through this further incident, @septembernights , but I'm not surprised he showed up again and I doubt you are either. Would you consider asking the bar for a CCTV image so you can report to the police, or ask them to save some images and stills so that the police can request them if you file a complaint. As I said previously, this man is a practised predator. Please be extra careful about your safety and security as he sounds angry and determined.

sciaticafanatica · 04/04/2025 16:54

@Miyagi99because it’s not unusual for sex workers to use hotel bars.

DearBee · 04/04/2025 16:46

Oh my god... at the update. OP, I am so glad you are ok and that the staff helped.

I know you shouldn't have to avoid the place, but honestly if I were you, I would, for now. He sounds like he has the potential to become a stalker. It's not worth it.

It makes me angry to even write that, as no way should you have to avoid your bar.

slothandloaf · 04/04/2025 16:42

Jesus OP - thank god you’re ok. This is the problem & why so many of us freeze or fawn b’cos to do otherwise risks escalation. Gr8 the hotel bar staff were so proactive. We shouldn’t need bloody chaperones to enjoy places safely but creeps like him make it feel like we should.

Miyagi99 · 04/04/2025 16:25

Only on Mumsnet - woman in a bar having a quiet drink (with or without laptop) = hooker. It’s like the 1950s here sometimes.

Miyagi99 · 04/04/2025 16:20

Devonshiregal · 28/03/2025 22:22

They aren’t police officers. Unless he’s actually doing something wrong, which he wasn’t, then she should let the poor hotel manager get on with his or her busy and stressful job which already includes dealing with tonnes of dickheads all day long. I’m sure if he escalated the manager would feel a sense of responsibility and step in, but what do you want them to do? Go about kicking someone out and getting themself into a potentially dangerous situation because a woman had a conversation with a man who had the nerve to touch her hand once? How would they even say it? Sorry you’re going to have to leave because, though I have no evidence of it, you have been dubbed a creep…?

I get he was a creep but really enough with people expecting hospitality workers to be bloody police too.

Show quote history

They can definitely chuck someone out for making a customer uncomfortable, most places would do this in a heartbeat if asked.

Miyagi99 · 04/04/2025 16:17

sciaticafanatica · 28/03/2025 19:14

Honestly don’t take this the wrong way but I think he thought you were “ working”

Why would that enter someone’s head? I don’t understand, she wasn’t standing on a street corner!

B1anche · 04/04/2025 15:52

Thank you for the update OP. That sounds terrifying. I'm so glad you're OK. You were right to trust your gut instincts.