To work 3 days a week to the detriment of DH

Sorry I really don’t get it- can someone please explain the logic? OP is morally required to facilitate DH’s job by caring for his child full time so he doesn’t have to and can go to work full time.

DH is entitled to this free childcare from OP and not required to support OP to work even part time, so that she can have some financial independence? That would be far too exhausting for the poor man.

Someone, for the love of god, please please explain how and why that is fair?

I love it when folk come on here assuming the hive mind will validate their opinion...and then the hive mind backs the partner.

If Mumsnet agrees with the hubby, you know you are wrong!

Ofcourse youre being unreasonable, it's concerning to me you even have to ask.

Look for work that fits in with DH'sjob and your child caring responsibilities.

”his work” and “her child caring responsibilities”?! Wtaf.
OP also has a job and her DH also has child care responsibilities!! And why should OP be the one to accommodate?

Cannot believe the responses on this thread. So bloody typical. YANBU OP,

Absolutely not, this is the trap arguably most households fall in!

If his job takes priority now because he earns more then her earning potential will be lower, therefore his job will still take priority in a year, etc etc, viscous cycle. This is exactly how us women end up fucked later down the line. Their jobs are equally as important!

Why should she give up her job when they are separating and work around her ex’s hours? She needs to make a decent living too and she’s already working less than him.

Its not sustainable him doing 60 - 70 hours in 7 days.

What actually is your job op?

• can you apply for the same sort of work but with a different employer where a more normal/ regular shift pattern is available?
• is it highly paid? Or actually could you earn similar in something else, even if its not where you have experience?

Most people i know (me included) use wraparound childcare 2-3 days. Eg it might be something like: 1 parent works part time or a weekend day and has 2 week days where they can do school runs, the other perhaps works flexi hours to pick up DC from school on a friday.

I don't know anyone using no wraparound care at all

Look for work for two days per week.
Look for work that fits in with DH'sjob and your child caring responsibilities.

Train a couple of child carers to manage your youngest child.
It's not right that you never get to go out together because of the child's disabilities.
Pay for child care for one day per week regardless - to help your child adjust to other carers.

You work three days a week
Your DH work six days a week doing 35/40 hours.
You have a child that's disabled and needs to be looked after by at least one parent and childcare is out of the question.
You changed your hours to six days one week plus a week off and it's repeated continuous for every two weeks.
Your DH changed his house to 60/70 hours over six/seven days in one week and then having a week off and it's repeated continuous every two weeks. Your DH is right to say he cannot do this any longer as it's making him ill when on his week off and is looking after the child that's disabled. If he continues the unreasonable hours he may walk into an early grave.
Have you made a claim for Disability Living Allowance for the child that's disabled? If claimed, you would be entitled to Carer's Allowance. You might be able to claim for UC.

What are your husbands normal working shifts when your home? How many shifts is he meant to work? I understand him being tired but it's also unfair to expect you to not go back to work. If childcare is an option then I would go that route. If not you both need to compromise somehow on childcare responsibilities it's about both of you having equal childcare and work home balance cleaning etc

@PinkBalloona

I think the thing you seem to forget is that you are separating. So what you did in the past isn't really relevant anymore. If it happens to work out that you work opposite shifts and can cover each other (and both are willing to do so), then fine. But both of you need to understand that neither of you are under any obligation to provide childcare for the other. Nor are either of you obligated to exhaust yourself working long hours to facilitate the other's working hours.

Chances are that, if not right now, at some point you'll each need to source your own childcare for the period of time the children are with you. Probably best to do that now. You know, 'begin as you mean to go on'.

OP did I read correctly that your son is in full time education? Can you request to work school hours, potentially more days per week? Sorry if this has been asked, I did check but there was a lot to go through!

It sounds a really difficult situation but 6 or 7 12hr shifts in a row is not sustainable long term. Its not like he would get time to recover on his non working days if he is looking after the children. He will end up in an early grave. It might be researching childminders in your area. Some may be trained in looking after children with extra needs. Hope you find a solution but it is a difficult one

I know childcare for children with SEN is very difficult, not many after school or holiday clubs cater for them.
OP have you looked into paying for DLA?
It's very hard to give up a job you love and financial independence just when you are going to need to be to be financially independent.
You have to decide whether you want a 50/50 childcare arrangement or if you are happy with ex doing less childcare, eow or somewhere in between.
If you were to work part time hours each week instead of current working pattern of full time one week and off the next would it help cover childcare ?
Could you get a childminder, or nursery place, can DH do 50% of childcare? That should really be the starting point in negotiations.
Do you have any family that can help with DC?
His 30 hour contract is 6hours a day so can he do school /nursery run? Should be possible to do at least mornings or afternoon pick up.
Equally if your contract is 20hours a week, if you just did those hours over the course of one week childcare should be easier, what type of work do you do/did do that means you both have shift work? Are their opportunities to transfer to a role with more regular hours like DH has done?

Would be worth looking into what benefits and childcare vouchers you
are entitled to and if you are married see a solicitor.

It seems as though tag teaming long exhausting hours at work with caring for children - including a child with a disability, has taken its toll on your marriage.

Rather than you both having to look at your working hours to allow you to co-parent when you separate is it worth both trying to change your jobs/hours and lifestyles now to see if you can recover your relationship?

If your husband moves to a day job he will be less exhausted and hopefully have the capacity to be a better dad and husband. He can do one end of the school run if it is possible e.g. if he works a shift of 6-2 he could pick up from school. You could look for a job that allows you to see something of him and your kids when you are all together.

I also work opposite ends of the week to my husband and when either of us are not working we are caring for the kids. It's tough. I am trying to use the odd day of annual leave this year to have a couple of days with him when the kids are at school. Fortunately as he is a teacher we do get days as a family when he is on the school breaks and I am on a day off.

If you think there is any chance of saving your marriage give it a go. Life with a child with a disability is tough and many marriages don't survive. It's normal for things to be tough but consider if anything might be saved by making changes.

See I think you need to agree set schedule for each of you having him maybe 65/35 a set amount of maintenance to cover that discrepancy and then get shifts in his time

he needs to cover you as much as you covering him

Usually when I see posts like these it seems like the husband is trying to control the wife. Here, I agree with your husband. It seems like you either need to get some child care to make this arrangement manageable so you can work or find a different job. Perhaps get some child care and then look for a better job which suits the needs of the family?

@PinkBalloona so you support yourself financially when separated and he covers the kids two days a week and you 5 how is that fair ? Will it balance out with his cma payments ?
will he have the children weekend on and weekend off

This all sounds messy tbh .

Childcare, which many of us have to do, or a different job really?

The thing is, in most relationships where one person works FT and the other PT, the PT person takes on additional responsibilities to balance it up a bit.

So the PT person does more at home, maybe the cooking in the week etc, extra childcare duties. Or if not, the PT person has a reason (ie health) why they 'contribute' less (in terms of overall, not just financially).

But it's not the case here, it's literally that she wants to work and half his hours, with no upside for him. I find it hard to believe he'd be happy with that ordinarily. It's bonkers to think he's be on with it if they split.

As someone who works 12 hour shifts, there is absolutely no way I could do 70 hours over a seven day period. Followed by a week of doing absolutely everything for the children, especially when one is disabled. My dp would never have asked this of me. The ideal option ( I feel) would be for one of you to work mon- wed and the other thursday- saturday each week.