Husband changing mind about DD left at home

It sounds like when all is added together, she is alone a lot. Is she doing any clubs of her own?

i also think someone has told your dh this isnt acceptable. As it is mumsnet ill assume it is his mistress

I’ve put that you are being unreasonable, but because it doesn’t sound as though leaving your daughter home alone is a decision that’s been discussed at any great length. It sounds like it’s more evolved & I can see how DH might have been ok with the brief period after school, but not only has that extended, it’s now also ‘frequent’ shopping trips.

I don’t think leaving her is a huge problem if she’s mature, more that it doesn’t sound like a joint decision has been reached. But at 11, I’d expect both parents to know when the child is due to be home alone, and for what duration. The legal guidelines say that children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone. Parents can be prosecuted in a scenario where they come to harm. I guess with that in mind, he’s not technically wrong.

But it isn’t really ok that she is left on her own for that long in year 6. This is the point of adolescence thinking that your kids are at home and safe. She’s in year 6 still very young. I suspect your husband came home and from the supermarket the other day and discovered something or your daughters said something to him.

I think that’s a long time to be left alone for a Year 6. I know we did it in the ‘80s, latch key kids and all that, but it’s more unusual now.

My daughter stopped going to the childminder after school when she started secondary. She has a summer birthday so was only just 11 and was absolutely fine at home for an hour before I got home.

I would worry about the possibility of losing or forgetting a key though and would recommend a key safe.

No bus? My kids school and all local schools in 2 mile radius have school buses

So in September she will be leaving the house, locking up etc, and walking to school alone. At the end of the day, will she then also return alone to an empty house? Honestly OP, I think this is miles too much on a year 7 child. I also think actively choosing to leave a year 6 child home alone is not good.

agree on the 2 miles walk to secondary being a bit much, but what can you do if no bus and parent at work? It will likely be dark by the time she is home in winter. As long as it’s along lit pavements and not country roads. My DD’s secondary school is 3 miles away by road, a lot shorter cutting through a large woods. Many kids do go through there but we have always driven DD to school (either her dad or I). Not so bad on way home as all the children walk down in groups, whereas quite isolated in the mornings. I can start later, as work flexi time, and I can also pick her up and log back on. If you don’t have that flexibility not much you can do. Hopefully will be some friends walking with her

It’s a 30 minute walk! An 11yo will manage just fine. So what about “weather”? If there is really dangerous weather, school will be cancelled.

Your dd sounds pretty responsible for her age. I think what you’re doing is fine. She’s going to be more in her world. As long as you continue to do stuff with her, this is the age, when kids start to be more interested in their friends than parents.

Some kids do just have to get on with it when they get to secondary and thankfully your dd sounds as if she will cope just fine. Ideally she’d walk with a friend though and I imagine you will prepare her between now and then.

I have just had a look at the distance and time it took me to walk to high school. It's 1 mile and approx 20 mins walk. I was left alone before and after school as both parents worked. I managed, enjoyed the independence and responsibility.

I think what Op is doing is fine. Our year 6 sometimes walks his year 4 brother to school on their own, again they like the independence

The walking 2 miles to and from school every day shocks me tbh. Brutal in winter.

I have an 11 yr old DD and none of this would be happening. I would make alternative plans until a few years older.

I don’t know any child that walks 2miles to school. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this. Is there a bus? or can she cycle?
What are your younger children doing when you both leave at 7.30am?

I think you DH has a point and you leave her alone too much. What does she do while she waits for you to come home?

Not particularly normal in my experience no, especially not exclusively. Most families I know have a back up plan for particularly nasty weather, flexibility for the first term while they're settling etc. Or kids get a set school bus etc.

Hopefully it won't be an issue, but latch keying every morning from day 1 just seems a lot. After school is a bit different.

I can’t believe other mums on here calling him ridiculous, obviously because his male!

When a woman’s paternal instinct kicks in, other mumnetters scream from the roof tops to trust your gut, but this man’s ridiculous all of a sudden.

11 is too young to be left regardless if she is mature, would she be able to control herself in an emergency situation instead of panicking…most 11 years olds wouldn’t have a clue what to do if a fire broke out or if her sibling fell and was rendered unconscious. I agree with your husband, he suddenly has a bad feeling about this, doesn’t believe it’s right and as the other parent, this should be listened too, not just discarded because his a bloke.

Isn’t that perfectly normal? It was for me and most of my classmates. The backup plan for weather is you go outside in it. Problems are arguably more easily dealt with now because of mobile phones – OP’s DD can ring her parents if there’s a problem.

Assuming she has to get for school for an 8.30 start time, and most people can walk a mile in 15-22 minutes, x2 miles, at the most she’ll be home alone in the morning for half an hour, at the least, 16 minutes. What problems might occur in that window other than a bit of dawdling or rolling her school skirt up and loosening her tie?

I think what you have been doing is fine. What isn't acceptable is your husband's inability to discuss something rationally.

He’s probably read an article or mentioned the situation to someone who has shown shock and disbelief that you are leaving her alone etc. He feels criticised as a parent.

Hi, hello, I'm jumping in with my very first post.

I think there's always options and maybe if you and your husband have a proper sit down and talk, you can tease out a solution that you're both comfortable with.

The issue may be less with your daughter's level of responsibility, as she sounds very responsible. The issue may be more with external circumstances that he is noticing or picking up on. Maybe she is spending too much time on screens and isolating a little bit, not living in the here and now so much. Maybe he is developing an awareness of her vulnerability as an 11 year old girl walking alone 2 miles every day on a set schedule.

I can't work out the details of your life for you, it's your life! But it's good your husband has a different opinion than you, even if you think of it as annoying or getting in your way. He's there to keep you from going too far in the other direction; if you use his caution as a valuable resource to work with, the two of you can hopefully sharpen each other and ultimately come to a solution that doesn't swing too far in either direction. I'm not saying the solution will appear overnight, it will take time to work out the details and only the three of you (yourself, husband, and your daughter's honest opinion) can truly say what that will look like. The circumstances around where you live play a vastly important role here and nobody can truly give advice who isn't from your actual neighborhood, in my opinion.

But I'm not a marriage counselor, what do I know!

See this concerns me more than what he is currently worrying about. You'll both be out of the house before she even leave for school, with no back up plan for problems, weather etc. Do neither of you have any flexibility around start time? Especially to begin with?

What is the 2 miles like? Pavements, crossings, country lanes...?