Husband changing mind about DD left at home

The girl is walking to school not running an empire or climbing Everest 😂 children need to grow into their independence, thousands of children of this age do it every day, do they all have bad parents? The hyperbole on this thread is ridiculous, cut the apron strings for goodness sake!

Tbh it sounds as though your husband is suffering from anxiety that is manifesting in this instance - perhaps aggravated by watching and media discussion about Adolescence, but it may be something deeper. Children in my area often walk home at your DD’s age and remain alone in the house from 4pm until an adult returns home. And until recently no one in my area questioned that, until a series of daytime break ins after 4pm (once it started to get dark) from Oct- Feb for the last few years. As a neighbourhood we are now very very wary so have had to instal security cameras and teach our children to do a scope out of their homes before entering and to remain outside/go to a neighbour if they have any issues while they call mum/dad to check security footage.

Our knee jerk reaction was to panic (mine esp as I walked in on the burglers in my neighbours house, thinking the cleaners had just tripped the alarm); but as a community we opted (once the police and MP proved to be effing useless) to upskill our children.

re your DH, @Gymmum82 , I would suggest DH consider whether he is experiencing anxiety on a wider level and I would sit with him and arrange a protocol for DD re checking the house before entering, who she should call if she cannot reach you, perhaps text you/dad once she is home, etc. keep her safe is about teaching her to manage and navigate risks,not about bubble wrapping her.

Well said

In London, 11 year olds manage quite complex journeys on public transport or walking a mile or more to get to secondary school.

A mile takes an adult about 15-20minutes to walk. Yes, it takes a child longer but an 11 year old is not a toddler. They really should be fit enough to manage a 40minute walk before and after school. If not, then that is a problem.

Re your husband: you aren't being unreasonable leaving your daughter but I'd try to pick a moment to have a calm conversation with him about what he is feeling. Perhaps he feels a bit scared that she is growing up? A bit nervous that she is about to be at secondary school where parents have less visibility on what happens?
Him snapping at you is not helpful but perhaps something is worrying him that it could be useful to try and get to bottom of.
I think it is important to remind him that she is at an impressionable age as well - if he implies that she is too silly to be left at home, she might be quite wounded by that as well especially as she has been doing absolutely fine. So he needs to be filling her with confidence - more "can you show me how you would deal with a fire? That's great you thought to shut the door as you left the room to contain it but also don't stop to get your bag, leave quicker" rather than "well, you won't know what to do in an emergency, you'll panic"

That. The transition to adulthood depends on kids experiencing what it is to be an adult. That trip to B&Q might be tedious, but it's background learning. If you've stayed at home when your parents have been doing their adulting, how are you to know how life works?

How did you get to school?

Because sometimes, as adults, we have to help family with things we find boring. And if learned as kids, they will continue to do it.

Neither DH or I enjoy food shopping. But one of us goes to get the top up food we need. One of us does the online delivery. One or both of us brings it in. Teach a kid they don't have to do it and they'll decide it's someone else's job. Which when in a partnership will land the less enjoyable jobs at their partner's feet. Then they'll be the people being complained about on here and parents will be blamed for not teaching them to be helpful.

Well, it’s certainly normal where I live. I don’t think you get to speak for the whole country

Neither do you with your totally normal claims.

But this is what annoys me about men. They have a little thinky time and decide something must change because they say so. But they don’t actually engage with their partner on it, they don’t sit them down and say “hey, I have been feeling uncomfortable about DD being home alone and think we should do it less. What do you think DW?”

They just make a snap decision and try to enforce it immediately by being snappy arseholes because they believe themselves to be in charge. OP has just as much of a say.

Just because you keep saying it is normal, doesn't make it so. I don't know anyone who does this. I cannot imagine leaving my dd11 to walk 2 miles x 2 daily, in all weathers. Literally cannot imagine it.

OP, you keep asking what the alternative is. Leaving her to fend for herself in this context isn't it.

What time does her high school open, ours allows the children in from 8am

If she is mature enough then 11 is fine

Absolutely this!!

😂😂😂😂

I’m surprised no one has accused him of cheating or being abusive yet!

And I agree with you that it does add up and I understand where DH is coming from.
Sometimes DD has to be left alone which is fine but leaving her alone too much is quite lazy parenting.

Shes getting to an age where she needs to be encouraged to leave the house but I think staying at home alone is fine.

As a couple if one person isn’t comfortable with something then I do think a conversation needs to be had and a compromise met.
He is obviously very concerned, which shouldn’t be taken lightly.

I can never understand the mentality of "she'll have to do it at 18, why not 11?". This girl is not even a teenager yet. Over the next 7 years she will grown and develop massively. Being looked after at 11 is not mollycoddling! It's parenting!

I know, some of the answers on here are crazy to me! This was totally normal for me in Year 7 - I’d get the bus, walk home from the bus stop (about 1.5 miles) and go home to an empty house. My dad was often home in the mornings but if he wasn’t I’d lock up etc. just fine.

It's completely ok for your DH to change his mind. You obviously need to find the time to sit down and talk together.

Invalidating his concerns by calling him ridiculous won't help the situation.

It seems crazy that he's been called ridiculous for having concerns over his daughter, isn't this what we expect from parents?

Well, it’s certainly normal where I live. I don’t think you get to speak for the whole country.

Children walk to school from Year 5/6 with their mates. From Year 7 (or even the end of Year 6) they lock up, walk to school, and then do the same in reverse, often going via the bakery in the morning and Tesco or the park in the evening.

I leave for work around school time and the streets are filled with kids walking to school unattended. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a parent with a secondary aged child unless they’re dropping them at the gates on the way to work.

Adapting to other people’s needs is a necessary life skill and should be encouraged, she’ll need to do that in the future so why not start now? Children don’t suddenly become an adult and automatically become resilient, it’s a skill that needs to be taught at an early age.

What is your objection to her walking four miles a day? That’s nothing for a healthy pre-teen!

She’s in secondary school, it’s fine. No wonder kids today are too scared to even answer a phone. Parents are mollycoddling too much. They get to uni and have issues because they’ve never been left to do anything independent. It’s ridiculous

(NB there is a free breakfast homework club at DD's secondary).

It's normal OP and she sounds great and very responsible. In London kids will often do quite complicated cross London train journeys to secondary from just 11.

I expect once she starts there will be homework clubs and after school activities some days as well. Weather! How bad is the weather going to be in the UK unless you're on the North York moors?

What you’re describing is totally normal for the vast majority of Year 7’s. There’s no childcare and certainly no breakfast club - they all lock up, walk to school with their mates and do the same in reverse

As a secondary school teacher I can tell you that it's really not.

What do you think the alternative is?

It’s totally normal for kids to walk to/from secondary and to lock up in the mornings and let themselves in after. A two mile walk (probably mostly with her friends) is hardly a trek across the Sahara.

Loads of areas don’t have public transport and there’s certainly no school buses unless you live over 3 miles away. Everyone else walks or maybe gets the odd lift it their parents are going the same way.