Husband changing mind about DD left at home

My DD is Y6 but summer born. At the moment we are too far from school for her to walk home. Our compromise is she walks up with friends to a meeting point with me on the 2 days I collect her. I've started popping to shops for 20 mins at a time and will build this up. She will be walking to school in y7 and no wrap around care so she will be alone at home 2 morning and afternoons a week.

I have no other choice.

I am in my late 60s, had 3 children and would not have left them to walk that far to school every day.

Managing risk isn’t about eliminating all risk. I think you need to properly discuss this with DH. Yes, something awful could happen if you leave her home alone.

But something awful WILL happen if you don’t give her carefully managed independence: she will grow up into a young adult with no sense of self-preservation or ability to deal with risks herself, when you can’t be there to protect her.

She's unlikely to be alone. She'll almost certainly walk with friends And why would anyone focus on her routine when there are probably 1,000 other kids also walking to and from that same school at that time of day?

Eh? No she didn't, what are you on about!

😂😂😂😂😂

What do you think pretty much every high school student around the world does?!?!

I have a dd the same age although is yr 7 already. I'm comfortable leaving her, but wouldn't do so repeatedly. It adds up to a lot of time alone if after school and then for clubs.

So what would you do in OP’s situation? There’s no childcare, her parents have to work and there’s no school bus.

I also think your DH has heard all the coverage of Adolescence and (maybe quite rightly) sees things differently now.
I don’t think half an hour here and there is too much of a problem and I know you say that both you and your DH can’t be flexible around work but I think leaving an 11 year old to lock the house up and get themselves to school 2 miles away isn’t really ok. Will she have friends that she’ll be able to walk with?

I honestly feel like I live in an alternate universe sometimes because I don’t do even half of the tasks that people list as essential on here on any kind of regular basis, lol.

I also kind of think if your child hasn’t grasped the basics of life and these tasks by 11 then there’s something pretty wrong. At that age I could do the shops on my own and buy food, or go out with friends, try on and buy clothes without any guidance from my parents.

If an 11yo still needs to accompany mum to learn how to do such basic tasks then I’d be pretty concerned really. And if they do know how to do them then why insist they get dragged along for no reason?

But you said earlier you didn't work due to SEN children so what is it?

The walk to and from school was social time for my kids. It's highly unlikely that OP 's daughter will be walking alone for much of the journey. My kids and their friends met along the way and it was just part of the friendship routine.
When it was really stinky weather at the end of the day, there'd sometimes be a parent of one of them who'd take pity on the group and pick them up.

I'm retired now so around when the secondary school kids are walking home, and again they're busy chatting in groups. It's a rite of passage.

Maybe okay if she is in a group but walking that far on her own every day in all weathers. Also people who would want to harm a child can easily see her routine and use that to their advantage.
Maybe I am seen as over protective but that is just how I am and we all parent differently. I would not let my child walk 2 miles to school every day.

"I cannot imagine leaving my dd11 to walk 2 miles x 2 daily, in all weathers. Literally cannot imagine it."

With the greatest respect, it's clear your child is a different sort of child to the OP's. That's fine of course, you parent the child you have, etc.

However my 11yo is very similar to the OPs, very sensible and completely fine with walking/taking the tube to/from school, making a snack and doing homework if left by themself for an hour. Most children SHOULD be just like this imho.

It’s honestly the norm for millions of children up
and down the country.

But it's not only food shopping. It's any task that the kid seems boring.

A trip to the supermarket. Getting things to get ready for the garden tidy up. Shopping for a new car. Clothes shopping (the number of women on here who have to buy clothes for their men). Popping to bodycare for toiletries. Nipping out for cleaning supplies. It's just showing them part of what needs to happen to make everyday life happen.

They don't need to go every time but they can't opt out of every part of the running of their household. That's what it teaches them.

Also the pearl clutching about walking "in all weathers".

Unless there will be a drip feed that the OP lives in northern Sweden, then "all weathers" in the UK is just some rain. It's not blizzards, tornadoes or tropical cyclones.

Once a blue moon, maybe a really windy named storm day and you can probably adapt then as an emergency.

The answer to walking in all weathers is to have a decent coat and shoes.

I know teenagers are sometimes allergic to wearing coats but they will rapidly learn the consequences of not doing so, which is that they get wet and look bedraggled. They'll not freeze to death in most parts of the UK though.

The wrapping in cotton wool is pretty extreme if you think the UK's very mild climate is a reason not to walk anywhere.

OP, it's completely normal and I will do the same. People talking about 'all weathers' are being absolutely ridiculous and that's mollycoddling! My 4 year old is expected to walk or cycle to and from our childcare and swimming (1 mile each way) in all weathers, and would be capable of 2 each way if needed.

Why?

But you don’t have to go on every single supermarket or B&Q trip to “learn how life works”.

I’m also not convinced children that children really learn that much from multiple trips to DIY stores or the post office - everytime I’m in any of those places, the kids are bored shitless or playing on phones and the parents are stressed and just want to get out of there.

Of course sometimes it’s essential - especially with younger kids who can’t be left alone but I genuinely see no benefit in dragging a disinterested 11yo round Sainsbury’s for the 100th time.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a child that age to go to school on their own or be left alone at home for a while. It’s what I did when I was that age.

Like your daughter, I was a mature, sensible child. I even used to be trusted to put more fuel on our open fire, to keep it alight until my mother got home and could deal with it properly. I didn’t mind being on my own and never had any problems.

Except… my favourite game on my own was to put the poker in the fire until it was very hot, then burn patterns with it on sheets of old newspaper. My mother didn’t know and it never occurred to me until years later that it might be terribly dangerous.

I would be concerned about her getting herself to school 2 miles by foot at that age.

By chauffeured limousine by the sound of it!

But there’s a difference between having to do something essential and just being dragged around for the sake of it.

I’m also not especially convinced that children need to be taken on hundreds of supermarket trips to learn how to do a food shop 🤷‍♀️

But then I spent years in retail and saw so many bored kids with their parents and I don’t think any of them were learning anything useful.