Husband changing mind about DD left at home

I think they just knew less about the shit that goes on.

I’m anxious in part because I know the bad or dodgy shit that went on when I was 10. Older kids pushing you around or men shouting crap out of cars etc. I don’t want my daughter exposed to the same stuff. I know that she needs to be to learn how to cope with it. But my instinct is to just hide her away I guess

Being born at the right time?

My point was simply that the more we expect to be able to contact each other and track each each other, the more anxious we seem to be getting.

It's not a 'me' thing, it's a generational thing. Parents in general were more chilled about their children being independent, back when we simply couldn't be certain where they were. My parents generation even more so.

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it's clearly the case.

Also it’s not her I don’t trust. She’s amazing. I don’t trust other people. I don’t trust the men who drive through our estate at 50mph, for example.

To be honest she is a very young 10 and I think my anxiety is rooted in the fact that I don’t really believe she’s ready to be out and about on her own.

But I get a lot of pressure. Particularly from other parents who let their kids out and keep saying things to me like “when she’s in secondary school blah blah” and they’re right but i am terrified

Maybe it would be worth getting some kind of therapy? I don't mean that in a patronising way - I have anxiety myself and find therapy incredibly helpful. It's made me feel a million times better and has helped me learn lots of coping methods.

You can't spend the next decade glued to your phone every time she goes out. It's not healthy for either of you.

Well it would be nice to be as cool and laid back as you. What’s your secret?

Good grief.

Seriously, it's no wonder that this generation of kids and teens are so anxious, and some parents so wound up about giving their children independence.

These tracking things are actually detrimental to mental health, I'm sure. My kids used to walk to school and to the shops without even dumb phones, and were encouraged to from mid to late primary age, as were their friends. I and their friends' mums were not sitting home trembling with fear. We trusted them.

Can someone please bring back the '90s?

I do. It’s painful for me. But I do let her. I just sit pretty much glued to Life360 the whole time 🙄

I think she's either responsible enough to be at home alone for short periods or she's not. He can't have it both ways because it suits him. I honestly don't see an issue. Where I live in year 7 kids travel to school independently they walk or travel on buses, tubes or even trains. It's part of growing up and becoming independent. I just see this as preparing her for independence. I think i would probably put her in after school club as its avaliable but I think the trips to the shops ect are fine.

I think it's totally normal to have "the fear".

But as a parent, you just have to get over it, to an extent. You have to let them grow and become independent even though it's bloody scary.

I take it you don't or haven't had children this age??

So you think it's just fine that he kicks off at the OP for doing what they've been doing, instead of having an adult conversation about how he feels??

How do you cope with the anxiety of it though? I have the fear every time my ten year old goes out, that someone will harm her or she’ll get run over etc. How do you get on top of that? I wouldn’t even say I’m a particularly anxious person in general.

But that's not his issue, his issue is her being left at home when they pop out to do the odd errand.

@Gymmum82 this thread got super sidelined by something that isn’t the point. Of course your children can and will get themselves to high school - they have to, so they will. People should stop trying to make you feel guilty about it.

Staying home alone regularly is a separate issue. Sounds like your high schooler will be alone for a little bit in the morning and a little bit in the evening by the time she adds in the time for her commute. That is totally reasonable if she is happy to do it.

But if your husband isn’t, even if this is something he is newly worried about it, and obviously assuming he isn’t regularly irrational or uninvolved, then you should talk to him
about it. The 3 of you can sit down together and figure out how you can all be comfortable as everyone there should have a say. I say this is the more anxious half of a set of parents - sometimes my instincts are wildly different to my husband’s so we just have to find a way through together.

There are very few parts of the UK where she will be walking in the dark.
A 2 mile walk (or cycle as OP suggests) is normal for a large proportion of the secondary school population.
More bonkers that so many people feel that a child of this age can't walk 2 miles.

It's totally normal for secondary aged children to walk to/from school.

I find it utterly bonkers that an 11 year old will be walking alone 45 mins to school in the dark in winter. Even if she meets friends part of the way.

I guess it depends on the location @Barrenfieldoffucks(great name btw!) but around here children getting lifts are definitely in the minority - I’d say 90% of them walk from Year 7 and probably 50% from year 5.

The only ones who do get lifts are those who live out of town or whose parents happen to be driving past anyway.

I would say it depends where you live, is it safe? I was left alone for up to 3 hours aged 6 with my sister age 3 (terrible solution of course). Parents had no choice - or so they claim. From the age of 8 I walked to school alone with a house key. If I forgot to take it, I went to the neighbour or to my grandmother. Or to my parent's office (they all worked in the same town). 11 is perfectly fine to leave them alone/let them walk to school in safe neighbourhood.

not working or flexi working isn’t an option for many parents so the options of giving a lift to a fully competent older child just isn’t on the table. I’d guess it’s far more likely in the general sense than the sort of people on just now too - as the people working shifts etc wouldn’t necessarily be able to chatting online during the day.

theres no option to drop off right at the school as it’s under construction. When I had an appointment and walked over at the start one day, I saw a handful of parents dropping off nearby so it’s not no one, but there are hundreds of kids walking or bussing up to the school so that’s definitely the majority.

private schools are different - I work near one and there’s a stream of fancy cars illegally parking every morning but many of them would live quite far away. Think the max anyone at our school would be maybe 2-3 miles (I’m in Scotland so it’s just catchment placements in almost ever situation, it’s not the kind of choice it sounds like there is in England)

Your set up is completely normal where I live. DD2 was going to and from school with a friend the same age who lived in our road from end of year 5. She had to lock the house up when she left and then scoot to school (just over a mile away). On the way home she would go to my mums just round the corner and stay there til about 4 when she would then scoot home. We'd be back usually around 5pm.

She wanted to do this and really enjoyed being home on her own, had her phone, knew the neighbours etc.

When she started secondary school, she rode her bike for nearly 2 miles to and from school every day - we both left before she did and got back after she did. Again completely normal for where we live. She rode with a variety of friends who she meet up with on the way (we lived the furthest out). There is absolutely no buses were we are and the cycle ride was on a mixture of local roads but none particularly busy or with a speed limit over 30 (no dual carriageways etc).

I did the same when I was her age and survived with no ill effects.

She's now an adult and wasn't emotional scarred by any of the times she got to or from school on her own and she managed to do it from end of year 5 til she left 6th form.

Ive just asked her what she thinks of your situation and she cant believe so many people have commented saying how awful it is as she really enjoyed being home alone and was quite capable of managing getting herself to and from school. She said she would have hated being taken to senior school every day by one of us as pretty much all the kids got themselves there. I see hundreds of kids still wheeling their bikes into the school even now when I go past (over 2,000 in school).

As I say it is completely normal here - every morning I see lots of children from aged about 10 walking or riding to junior school & senior school. Sometimes on their won, sometimes with friends. It's not unusual at all.

We live in a large town on the south coast of about 80,000 people.

Just ask your husband what his concerns are as something must have happened for him to have done a complete 180 on this.

In all honesty it's more like most of the way 🤷🏼‍♀️ - we are lucky in that we can do this with our work schedules - but no, she doesn't get as wet as walking all of the way, and she really appreciates that it is less time for her so is definitely worth it she pretty much dashes the last section and then hangs out with her mates (who arrive early anyway as they come by bus from a different village) - she actually loves being early for this reason! As it's getting lighter and warmer she plans to start biking after Easter which will be better on a few levels so this may be any option too?

I did actually think that our area might be different to a lot of the rest of the country wrt start time as when I was in school we started at 8.50 but seemingly not! Pretty much guarantee there will be pupil access to the school from at least 8am otherwise - definitely worth checking.

This inspred me to look at my route to secondary 20 years ago.

I could walk for 20 mins to the bus stop, take a bus for 5minutes, then another 10min walk from nearest bus stop to the school.

Or walk for 45 minutes the direct route to school. 2 miles exactly apparently.

I didn't find it that odd.

Yes!!! Sorry 😳