Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband changing mind about DD left at home

261 replies

Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 19:42

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 28/03/2025 05:08

arcticpandas · 27/03/2025 19:57

Has his mum/sister said anything to him about DD being home alone? At 11 I went to fetch my brother from nursery, took him home, gave him a snack and waited for my mum to come home from work. I'm not traumatised and quite liked the responsability. My DS 11 takes the regular bus home from school and can be left alone without a problem. I wouldn't trust him taking care of a toddler though 😄

Times have changed, now nursery wouldn’t give a child to an 11 year old let alone a sibling in school.

LBFseBrom · 28/03/2025 04:14

Octavia64 · 27/03/2025 19:45

At 11 she’s fine to be left. Especially as you have worked up to it and there have been no problems.

I agree.

user1492757084 · 28/03/2025 04:00

You should not argue about this. If one parent wants more supervision of their child, then for me it means that there is one NO vote for DD11 being left alone and that wins..

Two 'Yeses' means yes and one 'no' means no - is how I generally make decisions with DH.

Starlight7080 · 28/03/2025 03:43

It sounds like you are leaving her more and more. It's not just about what's easy and sometimes it's best to make them go with you at that age . Spending so much time alone isn't good.
My parents always got home at 6 . I never had a parent I could talk to after school. If I had a bad day by the time they got home and so busy with cooking and other children I didn't get the chance to actually talk to them . So often things went unsaid.
11 is still very young . You only have them for a few more years till they won't be interested in your company anyway. Why not make the most of it

4timesthefun · 28/03/2025 01:30

It sounds like a calm and curious discussion could be useful. It will be important to understand what has shifted for him. My first thought was ‘he has been watching adolescence’. I don’t actually think it’s unreasonable that the show has given him pause to reflect on how much time DD is spending alone, particularly on school afternoons/evenings. That would be my concern in your situation. It sounds like she will be alone for potentially an hour in the morning then 1.5-2 every afternoon. My eldest started high school last year and I’m finding it way more important for her to have someone around now than it was when she was in lower primary. In terms of the compromise between independence and connection, I think I’d be suggesting that each of you picks her up one day per week and has that time with her, and just finishes work in the evening. If that’s not possible, I’d cut my hours a little id it wouldn’t leave me on the poverty line!

BinChicken1 · 28/03/2025 01:12

I have a 10 year old. She’s a young 10 but my god she seems miles away from this sort of independence.

Not a criticism. I’m genuinely worried about this.

Garliccheeseandabagel · 28/03/2025 01:02

He's very unreasonable for ranting at you for not being a mind reader and not knowing he'd had a change of heart. If he wants to do things differently he should discuss it with you, not kick off at you the second you don't do as he said. Or in this case - as he didn't say! You're his wife not his staff. He's no business ranting at you like that.

I'd not be bending over backwards to fix this problem, it's a him-problem, you don't have any problem, so let him fix it. If he wants to come to you with the problem to discuss it, he can come to you like an adult and have a conversation. He owes you an apology for the way he spoke to you. I'd not be seeking him out to reassure him or try to better understand him or anything else under the circumstances. When someone treats you like shite for no reason, responding to that by running around trying to appease them isn't the way to go.

L0bstersLass · 27/03/2025 23:57

@Gymmum82 have I understood correctly that when she's 11 and goes to secondary school shel'll be getting herself to and from school by herself 2 miles away on foot?

Even in the dark?
Regardless of the weather?
I don't think that's great.

Caerulea · 27/03/2025 23:47

I'm not sure I'm reading it right,cos no one else has mentioned it, but are you saying she's also responsible for a younger sister too?

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 27/03/2025 23:09

He needs to grow up a bit. Your daughter is going to get pretty pissed off with his mollycoddling very soon - as are you!

PotThePens · 27/03/2025 23:06

I know this isn't the point of the thread but re the key, she could have it attached to one of those retractable key rings with the key ring attached to the inside of her bag. Some bags have a D ring inside to attach it to or you can sew it into the bag. It would be good to do this for secondary school too. Both my children had this so that they never forgot the key and never lost it either. It also cannot be accidentally left in the door as it is attached to the bag. Not my idea, I got if from MN over a decade ago.

On the leaving her home, I think it is fine. My friend's son's birthday is 28th August so he literally turned 11 and a week later was doing the secondary school run home alone and letting himself into the house. No choice as no childcare once they hit secondary.

I like children being taken out to do boring things like a trip to B&Q but not every time so that they understand being an adult and what that can entail but also given the responsibility to be left behind sometimes. Any moaning or whining would result in every trip out them having to accompany the adults and a good dose of me moaning about everything I did in a complete over the top way so that they can have a laugh about it hopefully, noooo, now I have to cook dinner, and now put your uniform in the wash complete with limp arms. I also think that accompanying a parent means if you have 2 adults and 2 parents you get to spend one on one time with each child.

CillaDog · 27/03/2025 22:53

For me personally it’s very young to be left alone for that amount of time repeatedly, but that’s my personal opinion.

If it works for your family and your daughter is happy, then fair enough I suppose. As long as you’ve done all the risk assessments and safety plans with your LO. However if your partner isn’t happy, it’s worth sitting down and discussing and getting to the root of why he’s suddenly worried and how you guys can manage those feelings.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 27/03/2025 21:12

faerietales · 27/03/2025 20:26

I can't articulate it properly but I also don't want him to always get to stay home just because a task is boring or not for his benefit. I want him to learn sometimes he has to fit in with the rest of the family or come to the supermarket and help even if it's boring.

Why, though? I genuinely don't understand the point of it.

In my case I want him to learn he can't always only do the fun outings and life is also about helping do boring parts of family life too.

I'm happy to leave him a lot of the time too. (And probably more than my original answer implied). I don't bore him or make him pick the hard choice every time. 😄.

I do think it's good they get some independence as they approach secondary school.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/03/2025 20:55

What you're currently doing is fine, even the little hiccups like earlier on in the week, you know as an adult things like this happen. She's proven she is comfortable and capable, she made a good judgement call by her decision to go with her younger siblings, she didn't panic or wander about in a park alone.
These are the ages she needs to build up her confidence, nothing inappropriate about it.

Original poster
Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 20:49

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/03/2025 20:47

I have a child in y5 and pick her up at the door and take her to the school door i only leave her when her older sister is home. I think your husband is right.

She’s not in year 5. She’s half way through year 6. Starting high school in September

OP posts:
Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/03/2025 20:47

I have a child in y5 and pick her up at the door and take her to the school door i only leave her when her older sister is home. I think your husband is right.

Original poster
Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 20:46

Jessica5678 · 27/03/2025 20:38

Are you certain your DD is still happy and confident to be at home alone, wouldn’t prefer to be with a parent and hasn’t confided this in him? I have a similarly aged child and we reduced the time they spent home alone after they admitted they actually didn’t like it and felt anxious and lonely if it was more than half an hour or so.

I also feel similarly to previous poster about children not always being left at home to avoid anything they might perceive as boring - how do they ever learn to do a supermarket shop, deposit money at the bank etc otherwise? I don’t always make them come and keep me company, but sometimes I think it’s good for them to realise life doesn’t consist entirely of things that are fun or for your benefit and that you can’t opt out of everything you don’t like so you can maximise online gaming time!

She’s not indicated to me that she doesn’t want to stay at home and I asked if she wanted to come to the shop and she said no. So if she was worried she would have had the opportunity to say yes she wanted to come.

She doesn’t always get left. If we’re going out for a longer period I make her come and I also take her if I’m taking her siblings because they get jealous she can stay home and they can’t and it saves arguments

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 20:44

To answer some questions. I have no idea if someone’s said something about it. I’ll have to try and ask him but I also don’t think he’d ever admit that he’s changed his mind because someone else told him it was wrong.

@greenflower1 she has a phone at home and a ring doorbell and an Alexa. So she can contact us easily. She knows how to work the microwave and can make some basic food if she needs to.

@Carouselfish there isn’t another way to get to and from high school come September so she will be taking herself the same route. I think that’s the same for most kids once they start secondary

OP posts:
Jessica5678 · 27/03/2025 20:38

Are you certain your DD is still happy and confident to be at home alone, wouldn’t prefer to be with a parent and hasn’t confided this in him? I have a similarly aged child and we reduced the time they spent home alone after they admitted they actually didn’t like it and felt anxious and lonely if it was more than half an hour or so.

I also feel similarly to previous poster about children not always being left at home to avoid anything they might perceive as boring - how do they ever learn to do a supermarket shop, deposit money at the bank etc otherwise? I don’t always make them come and keep me company, but sometimes I think it’s good for them to realise life doesn’t consist entirely of things that are fun or for your benefit and that you can’t opt out of everything you don’t like so you can maximise online gaming time!

faerietales · 27/03/2025 20:26

I can't articulate it properly but I also don't want him to always get to stay home just because a task is boring or not for his benefit. I want him to learn sometimes he has to fit in with the rest of the family or come to the supermarket and help even if it's boring.

Why, though? I genuinely don't understand the point of it.

faerietales · 27/03/2025 20:24

He's being ridiculous and will damage his relationship with his DD if he carries on the way he is.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 27/03/2025 20:23

I have a DC the same age who also comes home from school alone some days of the week.

I don't always leave him even when I can as I don't want to do it too much. There is a balance to be had of how much I leave him.

I can't articulate it properly but I also don't want him to always get to stay home just because a task is boring or not for his benefit. I want him to learn sometimes he has to fit in with the rest of the family or come to the supermarket and help even if it's boring.

LumpyandBumps · 27/03/2025 20:23

What’s his solution?

SunsetCocktails · 27/03/2025 20:21

Carouselfish · 27/03/2025 20:13

I'm kind of on his side. I also wouldn't like a year 7 doing the same route regularly, twice a day alone to school. But I'm quite worst-case-scenario focused.

How else would your year 7 be getting to school, but the same route, there and back, every day?!

MattCauthon · 27/03/2025 20:16

It sounds like you think he's got worked up becuase of the situation on tuesday? Which I can totally see being the case. But he is being completely ridiculous. Never mind anything else, to dial back on independence when, so far, your DD has done nothing to suggest she is not capable enough or responsible enough is hugely damaging to her. He needs to rein it right in and get over this little strop.