Husband changing mind about DD left at home

Just wanted to post in support of you a bit. When I was in year 7 (albeit many years ago now) I got myself 3 miles to and from school, in the light, in the dark, sun, wind, rain, and snow. I survived. There were no mobile phones. No tracking apps. Yes I came home to an empty house, but it wasn't that big a deal. I'm still here to tell the tale.

Now, I am a single parent.

All though secondary school they have had to get themselves up and get themselves to school, as I was already out at work at that time.
Was it ideal? No. But I had no other option if I wanted to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table..
However I knew that both of my kids were sensible, had phones, and had people they could contact.
Kids also need to be given a chance to learn independence and grow, not be babied all the time.

My boys would have rather shit in their hands and clap than have me take them to school

I took my DD on the first day of school first grade, did it again first day of second grade but when I went to pick her up she said no thanks and went round a friend's house instead and that was the last time I walked her, she did not want me to!

My sons were also in a 3 tier system and walked to school about 1 and a half mile each way from year 5 onwards so I find out bonkers how much grief you're getting.

Also that people can't grasp that different kids can deal with different levels of responsibility and because their kids wouldn't be ok with this yours couldn't either.

My boys would have rather shit in their hands and clap than have me take them to school

Yes! I remember so clearly how thrilled I was to get independence and how keen for it.

I feel like now so many parents are on such a downer about every step of independence.

I see posts about preparing kids for how hard university will be etc, not how fun, how exciting.

For me, the memory is of the first time I was allowed to take the bus into town by myself. That would have been nearly 60 years ago but I still remember the pride in myself.

My eldest was itching to walk to school on her own, so we said that she could do that from her 8th birthday. I swear it was her best birthday present that year.

I still remember vividly the first time my mum let me walk alone to fetch my brother from tennis. Can picture the scene, feel the warmth of the sun, every detail. Children crave independence and responsibility.
I let DS, who is 7, walk to the shop up the road by himself to buy some sweets for the first time yesterday. Similar levels of excitement for him - he was so proud of himself. Next autumn he'll be walking to school by himself as he can't go to breakfast club after this year so I am slowly preparing him for that.

This thread has made me even more sure it's good to encourage responsibility and independence so pushed me to get my son walking to school himself asap as it really is difficult to manage the school run some days. So today I walked him halfway (through the two tricky crossings) and left him about a half mile from the school where the walk gets super easy. He's 8. Next year he will walk himself back and forth to school most days (minus the days he's in after school club as they won't allow children to sign themselves out and it's dark at that time most of the year (we are in Scotland). I feel totally fine about it so thanks to everyone on here for reminding me how important this is!

I started doing the same with mine when she was about that age. I would often be taking her little sister to swimming lessons, etc. She is now 13, soon to be 14, and walks 40 minutes to secondary school every day with friends but sometimes would be alone if they have afterschool stuff. She wouldn't be allowed to wander the streets late at night but for me she learned independence is very important. She has my number if she needs anything. We know our neighbours, and her friends live close by.

I agree, but you say that on here and you’re told that children shouldn’t be in a rush to grow up.

l sound like my dad, but what has happened in the last 20 years that means 11-12 year olds need almost constant supervision and can’t handle being in an empty house for a couple of hours?

I was so excited to get my own key at 9/10 and being allowed to go to the shop with my friends and let myself back in. I still remember walking home from the bus stop on my first day of secondary and stopping at Tesco for an ice cream - I felt so grown up and responsible!

It’s such a shame to me that so many children aren’t allowed such basic freedoms until their mid teens. It’s sad.

My kid has been taking herself to school and back on the bus, and is home for a couple of hours before I get home - she’s done that since the start of high school when she was eleven. I also leave her at home for a few hours if she doesn’t want to come with me places, she’s 12 now. She’s fine with it - she practically pushes me out the door. She has a phone and contacts me if there is anything. Sometimes I drop her off, but she always gets home by herself. It’s high school! All her friends do the same. Also a solo parent with no family around, I had no choice really, but she’s fine with it. We built up to it the last year of her primary school.

I actually quite enjoyed having the house to myself after school.

Absent proper mental health issues, I think kids that can't handle being on their own after school from secondary age need to become a bit more resilient

Sounds totally normal to me. I was home alone every day in the holidays from 12 - childcare just didn’t exist and my parents both worked. All my friends were in the same position and we mostly hung out at each others’ houses or went to town, the park, the pool or McDonald’s!

My dad often arrived home to my best friend and I watching TV or hanging out in my room.

No slaying from me, sounds absolutely fine and you know your own child!

Well I'd be slayed by some of these responses. My son is now 13 but I have been leaving him home alone for hours since about age 10. The last two years he has stayed home alone all day while I've worked and also gone to and from school himself with a key until I've gotten home.
Solo parent so no other real option

Helicopter parenting is driven by sating your own needs

shes doing well and it sounds like you have good structure and support in place

ask him if he’s worried about being alone, where has this come from?

Unless the government is going to give the equivalent of paid maternity leave to a parent for the first term of Yr7, there will be 11yos home alone before and after school when they start Secondary. And many of those will walk.

Completely agree with this.

Your DD sounds happy and comfortably independent. Nice work building her up to that. All sounds fine to me - the only thing I’d add is to make sure she has a plan if she loses her phone and needs to contact you.

A muddy route is different, but I would assume that for most they are walking along pavements not muddy bridleways (DD used to walk through a forest so very muddy part of the year but she could wear boots so wasn't a problem). I suppose there's always the option of gaiters but that would probably be far too embarrassing for the average secondary schooler!

But what do you think OP can do to change it?

She has to work. Her DH has to work. Not everyone has a job where they can flex their hours, or work from home. Annual leave needs to be saved for holidays and INSET days, or sick days. Very few jobs give people the option of starting/finishing early for a few weeks - and even if they do - it means you lose money, which many families just can't afford.

I used to leave and come home to an empty house in Year 7 and I absolutely loved the responsibility. I loved getting home and being trusted to get changed, make a snack, watch TV etc. without a parent hovering about me. In fact, I used to get annoyed when my dad did get home early as it meant I couldn't watch The Simpsons

I don’t think it’s so much walking to school. That is perfectly normal. It’s the fact there’s no one there when she leaves or gets back - especially in her first few weeks at secondary. That’s what I find more problematic

My child’s route includes a muddy bridle way. I’m not sure what uniform compliant shoes would cope with that? Sounds like you had great shoes! I walked a reasonably short route to secondary on paved roads and remember my Clarks shoes leaking on occasion. It’s fine if you are headed home but uncomfortable to sit all day with damp feet. Shoes are hard to dry out. I’ve just purchased a second pair for my child for this reason as it’s hard even over night but they are not cheap.

I walked to school in the UK in all weathers in normal leather school shoes and never had wet feet all day - what shoes are kids wearing these days that they get so wet?
But I do agree that proper footwear would be so much better, especially boots in winter, and that British kids do get a bad deal due to school uniform requirements. But if parents stopped supporting uniforms and started protesting them maybe that would go away.

I am 2.9 miles from my DD’s school but would say the opposite; people moan about congestion at the school but don’t understand how long it takes to walk that distance and what time the child needs to set off. Admittedly I am 2.9 miles to your 2 and my DD’s school starts with a lesson (not registration even) at 8.25. I am also rural on a route that was previously classed as unsafe to walk until the council decided it was and removed the school bus, which was the only form of transport, as have many councils now they want to save. So, in the ‘good old days’ no one was walking this route despite the digs that many local people like to have at ‘lazy kids of today’. This is our catchment, closest school so we haven’t made any wild choices here. If my child walks, they are walking alone; no jolly gang of mates.

Someone mentioned Finland. I don’t know Finland but I have a feeling that school uniform might not be a thing? We do our kids no favours with uniform. My child would be put in isolation if they showed up in DM’s, walking boots, ankle boots or any other ‘sensible’ shoe . Unlike my own work (where no one walks), there is no where to change, no where to store belongings and no time to do any of this as a child can’t simply decide to show up even earlier as the building is locked. I think kids often get a raw deal and a bad press.

Amazed at the people who thinking secondary school age children walking 2 miles to school is a problem. Its normal, and its good for them, helps keep them fit and healthy. My DD has always walked to school, in all weathers (and I live in Finland where its well below zero for much of the winter and dark a lot of the time) she's walked in -20 and snowstorms and pissing it down with rain and all sorts. She survived. In upper school the children don't only walk/bike to and from school alone, they also have to walk or bike 1.3 in the middle of the school day to go to the primary school for woodwork (as there's no technical classrooms in the upper school) and for several weeks they do PE in the next town, so they have to bike 4 miles to the sports hall in the next town, do a 2 hour athletics PE lesson then bike 4 miles back. They all manage this (I admit I did let DD use my e-bike one time, because she was staying for volleyball training afterwards then biking back after that which was a lot of exercise for one day)

OP - you need to talk to your husband about his concerns and find out what's changed but I agree you're doing the right thing raising your DD to be independent. And when you both have to work and leave before her, that can't be helped, she will just have to manage. You just get her into the habit of locking up when she leaves the house, practice the journey so she knows exactly how long it takes, and get her to set alarms to remind her to leave on time. My DD has been doing that for years (even if I am home, which I was up until autumn 2023, she has been responsible for getting herself up and leaving on time for several years - now I leave for work before 7 so often before she wakes up but she always gets to school on time)