To think that grief vultures are just as bad as those who disappear?

@Thepeopleversuswork yeah I'm another one whose not a fan. I don't mind the ones of "hope you're ok OP" so much as the ones who come right out and demand ask "any news yet OP". They really grind my gears and I usually end up muttering "you don't have a right to know anything. It's up to the OP when/if they update you. Just pipe down and fucking wait" to myself, which can be a little awkward in public 😬.

I think the internet and streaming has just made everyone used to getting installments and updates exactly as and when they want and it's not a good trait.

I had a very shocking bereavement of a close relative and an ex friend of mine saw it as an opportunity to show what a great counsellor they were (they were in training at the time), using the relative's name all the time in conversation to demonstrate that they remembered it, making mad assumptions about how my family would react due to their religion, being offended when I didn't react correctly to something she had decided in her own head was nice (I wasn't rude, just turned down and invitation that wasn't right for me).

Really saw her in a different light and the friendship petered out.

Hey, if the shoe fits then wear it. If it doesn’t, then let it go.

To be clear, grief vultures aren’t just normal people with good intentions. They’re often extremely narcissistic who thrive on the grief of others. They centre themselves and make it all about them. I’m glad for you if you’ve never come across these types of awful people.

I’m sorry OP if you’re having a hard time.

@User450707

You see plenty of those on MN! Especially in acute medical situations involving a child and there hasn't been an update in a while. All the nosy grief vultures come out and start bumping the thread with "Thinking of you OP" or "Hope things are ok OP", when it's obvious the OP will update in their own time if there's anything worth updating.

God yes I hate that.

The threads when someone posts about the discovery that their DH or DP is cheating also bring out the worst in people.

You'll get 5 or 6 pages of genuine compassion and sensible advice and then you descend into screeds of: "Any news, OP?" and "Thinking of your, OP". Or worst of all: "Why hasn't the OP been back to provide an update?" As if it was bloody Eastenders...

At best it's well meant but pointless. At worst its just stickybeakery masquerading as care.

I’ve experienced this and it really isn’t very pleasant. There are people who like to be involved in the heart of a drama.

The difference is that the grief vulture makes it about themselves.
They "join in" the grief, e.g. crying more tears than their relationship with the event would normally warrant, especially in an attention-seeking way. Taking the attention from those closer to events who are genuinely affected.
They love the emotional drama, but will never offer practical support that actually costs them a bit of effort and unselfishness.

I had a friend like this. Interesting it’s possibly a personality type. She was so lovely and a great friend until I realised she always saw me as beneath her and in need of her. When dh and I moved to a bigger house and life was good, she was unkind/bitchy and ghosted me (although I did pull away too).

There's a massive difference between stepping up and being a grief vulture.

The friend who came over, made me a cup of tea, asked if I wanted to share stories or photos- lovely.

The 'friend' who came over, wailed loudly to the point I ended up consoling her and then posted on Facebook about how she had been supporting me despite being "like a mother' to my daughter and feeling the loss as much as I did - grief vulture.

My friends mum who sent a heartfelt card expressing her sympathy and giving me the numbers of support services - thoughtful.

The woman with a daughter the same age as mine who I bumped into a few times who tells me that every time she thinks of me and my losses she squeezes her daughter that bit tighter, and feels guilty about it, sometimes she hugs her right in front of me - grief vulture

Yes

Used to have a friend (the mum of my close childhood friend actually, had known the family for decades) who was a sort of Mrs Cancer, considered herself an expert on all and any services you could access if someone in the family got cancer (local charities, meal services, counselling etc), offered to come along to appointments with you, that sort of thing.
When my mum got cancer this woman turned into a support bully, would ring multiple times a day to tell me about services and prod me about applying for them.
When I looked into it turned out some of the services she recommended were out of area or otherwise inappropriate (lol especially the ones my mum didn't want or need and rejected outright) and I found myself having to ask her to stop ringing so much, yk, while my mum was in active intensive cancer treatment 😯😬
She got the hump and that was the beginning of the end of our friendship, and she turned the screws on her DC whose friendship (of 35yrs) I also lost.
Some people who disappear feel like they're giving you space or don't know how to support you, for which I have more understanding. It can be hard to get right.

I had one of these when my dad died. A distant cousin arrived for the funeral and spent the next 2 days wailing and flapping about the loss. The funeral was hijacked by her and her grief. Everyone fussing over her. I had no bloody idea who she even was. A distant cousin of my mother who hadn't seen us for over 40 years and met my dad a handful of times.

I've never seen/heard anyone say that offering support or condolences to someone, even if you don't know them very well is not the same as being a grief vulture.

You also understand grief better if you have been through it yourself. People are learning, they make mistakes

This is my thoughts too.

This.
I hate threads like this. So if you show up for someone in distress you are wanker - if you don't you are a wanker.

I've seen threads here where women have said that when the shit hit the fan, there were people who had not been good friends but who really stepped up and they appreciated it.
I'd hate to think that now some people would be scared off doing that for fear of be accused of being a 'grief vulture.'

Yeah, my dad went through it when my mum died. She was young and I was only 11. Her best friends were full of promises about how they would all be there for me. After the funeral - pooof! All gone. Never heard from them again. One even saw me and my dad in Tesco a few months later and left her trolley and legged it!

So it wasn’t unexpected, but still stung.

The grief vultures might be preconditioned (brainwashed), co dependents who were positioned into the familial role of saviour or Florence Nightingale.

They may mean well, and be acting out of a duty that was imposed on them, when they didn't know better.

Extreme saviours and ghosters are annoying. It's all mental health vulnerabilities.

No it's actually fairly simple. If you hardly knew the person whose died/their family don't act like you were their BFF and it's just as big a loss to you as it is them.

If you were a close friend of the person whose died or their family member, don't ignore them, treat them like a leper or make PA comments to/about them. HTH.

We know people like this. Once called them friends. After going through a traumatic and life changing event, we don't call them friends any more.
My husband calls them trauma hoovers.

💐 I'm sincerely very sorry. I remember when the same thing happened to me and it involved people I'd known for decades who I'd have sworn down would've been my ride or dies. It was a horrific situation that lasted for months and during it I think I got one text. Then in the immediate aftermath of my bereavement they had the audacity to complain that I hadn't been around much.

Senior partner is such a good phrase. I’ve a close relative like that, she always had to be the one offering counsel etc and in her case being thinner and therefore morally superior to her female friends.

So basically you are damned if you do and damned if you dont?.... geezo.

Grief/trauma vultures are far worse, in my opinion, than people who simply retreat.

@user1492757084 genuinely don't think people visit the grieving as a sport.

Yeah, you've obviously not met my auntie. Her perfect day out is "a good funeral" and her PB is three in one day! She's a diamond in many ways but does tend to view life through the lens of being a soap opera playing out in real terms.

Whatever their motives, I could do with someone like that now.

Im going through the hardest time of my life and everyone fucked off.