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AIBU?

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Original poster

Claire’s Law/ Sarah’s Law for FIL

120 replies

Red0 · 27/03/2025 10:42

My FIL has always been very quiet and even after 20 years I’ve barely had a conversation with him despite being in his company quite a lot. He comes across as introverted and shy. I always only saw him that way until I had kids and it started to make me a bit more uncomfortable when he would sit his GC on his lap and talk to them very quietly so others couldn’t hear, or try to take them into a separate room and you couldn’t hear what was going on in there. Although around the time of the birth of my first DC I found when using his computer that he’d been watching porn - nothing nefarious, but still I was quite shocked that this quiet older man secretly watches porn - each to their own I guess. Maybe my judgement of his behaviour has been clouded by this discovery. But from then my DC have never been alone with him.

I have recently found out that he was arrested (all I know about when this was is “when he was younger”) for apparently urinating in public. I don’t know if that is something one would be arrested for decades ago. I’m shocked I’ve not heard about it before and it all seems a bit shady the way it was being spoken about, and not “Oh Bob got arrested when he was younger for peeing in a bush, what’s he like!” I don’t know how to describe it, but as if there was more to it. DH says he was told about this but had almost forgotten about it until this recent conversation came up. I asked MIL what the charge was actually called and she said “I don’t know, indecent exposure or something like that” and then shut down anything further I tried to say on the matter.
WIBU of me to try and find out what he was actually arrested for? I don’t even know if I could, but would I be able to make a Claire’s Law or Sarah’s Law for something like this? My DC don’t spend time alone with them, but need to stay at my SILs soon while DH and I attend a funeral and SIL said she needs to go to an appointment so her parents (my ILs) will need to watch the kids for a couple of hours. I’m not overly worried, but this has crossed my mind to do. AIBU?

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 29/03/2025 06:37

Do not ignore your feelings; we have these gut responses for a reason. Unconsciously you have picked up something, so for your children’s sake follow it through.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 29/03/2025 06:00

Listen to your gut. The whispering to the grandchildren on his lap and taking them away to separate rooms to be alone with them is worrying. Especially when his engagement with others in the family has been non-existent before the children came along.

I think your focus on this arrest is looking for evidence to justify keeping the children away from him. You don’t need it. His behaviour and your gut instinct about that is all you need to know. Do not ever leave your children alone with him and you should speak to your children about secrets, grooming and their personal space. Ie. No one can touch them and their bodies belong to them.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 28/03/2025 23:45

I would be passing this to my DH - the kids cannot spend time with GPs until you know what this offence was. And I also think you need alternative childcare if your SIL is going out, sorry.

murasaki · 28/03/2025 23:40

myles2608 · 28/03/2025 23:38

It's Clare's law and you request through your local police through an online form. If it is something they need to disclose as a concern they will contact you. If you not a concern for your safety you will be informed.

No, its Sarah's law for child protection re sexual abuse, Clare's law is for domestic violence.

myles2608 · 28/03/2025 23:38

It's Clare's law and you request through your local police through an online form. If it is something they need to disclose as a concern they will contact you. If you not a concern for your safety you will be informed.

Lavenderandbrown · 28/03/2025 21:41

In the late 80s (84-87) my bf was arrested in Indianapolis after a car racing event…think lots of men lots of beer for urinating in a parking garage/parking deck. He was 22 and had to return to Indianapolis with an attorney for his court date for this very reason…to avoid indecent exposure charge.

personally I find grandma with grandson porn theme bizarre and worrisome…some projection there. I don’t watch porn so is this a common theme?

never really understood the need to isolate children or take them away from mum or family to enjoy spending time with them

MIL is hardly impartial or the correct person to evaluate the seriousness of the arrest or his risk around children wrong generation wrong mindset wrong babysitter

my 90 yr old dad says….
Cant trust anyone around your dc except family and half the time you can’t trust them. I share his wisdom with any mum who will listen

EdgyGreyUser · 28/03/2025 21:33

How do know for sure that it's your FIL is watching the porn, it could be your MIL, if it's grandmother and grandson roles?

Jumpers4goalposts · 28/03/2025 20:58

In the early 00’s a friend of mine was threatened with arrest for taking a wee in a public place (outside a nightclub in a carparking area) it would have been for indecent exposure.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/03/2025 20:14

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 27/03/2025 12:42

The intent is to cause alarm and distress.

Not quite true. It’s an offence if you intend to be seen (or could reasonably expect to be seen) and it could reasonably cause alarm/distress to see you. This is what got the naked rambler into so much trouble, despite nudism not being an offence and his insistence he wasn’t out to upset anyone. He intended to be seen and he should have expected that people might not want to see him.

Edited

Wasn't he only arrested in Scotland?
The naked bike ride people intent to be seen and could potentially cause offence, but they are never arrested so intent is obviously relevant.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/03/2025 20:07

"urinating in public was (and still is) illegal and you can be arrested and charged with indecent exposure."

And yet everyone does it when stuck in the countryside.
I'd want to know what the circumstances were exactly. Anybody can be caught short.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/03/2025 20:03

KnickerFolder · 27/03/2025 14:18

He got caught because 2 police officers saw him walk up a flight of steps towards a bandstand park area, veer off the path and walk into a bush, @MrsTerryPratchett . I guess they followed him because they either thought he must be drunk and were concerned for his safety or he was going to buy drugs. It was in Arnold Circus in Shoreditch in the early hours of the morning. There was no one to flash, even the dealers had knocked off for the night.

Show quote history

Oh, the innocence. They thought he was off to pick up another man by the bandstand.

carly2803 · 28/03/2025 19:58

Thelnebriati · 27/03/2025 11:11

Don't focus on finding out what the offence was; focus on the talking quietly and taking your child into another room. Put a stop to that straight away.

this.

i would make an appointment and follow it through yes - but i would put a stop to this straight off
secret chatting and separate rooms is frankly creepy and un nerving

Goballistic · 28/03/2025 19:42

My OH is fairly quiet, has been known to watch porn, has been arrested a couple of times in his younger days for silly drink related things but that doesn't make him a pedophile, I think it's a stretch with your FIL

Vynalbob · 28/03/2025 19:12

I would try the Sarah's law route but even if it comes up with nothing I'd still trust my gut. Just done some digging and not all indecent exp are included especially before the law's introduction unless there's a serious element that went on to a conviction.
So a good thing to ask but as it's years ago it's not what I'd call a definite clear.

Good luck

Miyagi99 · 28/03/2025 19:00

Urinating in public is classed as indecent exposure and you can be arrested for it, definitely 25 years or so ago, not sure about earlier. However I think any suspicion should be followed up for peace of mind.

orsino · 28/03/2025 18:34

Whispering and taking children into a private room? Of course it's suss! As is MIL's guarded reaction. Use Sarah's Law to find out. Just call 101 and ask police for advice. Don't ignore!

Kevintheminion · 28/03/2025 18:23

Trust your spidey senses....they are telling you something for a reason.

Doobeedoobeedoobee · 28/03/2025 18:21

Worldinyourhands · 27/03/2025 13:14

Don't let anyone else's thoughts or feelings minimise that feeling you have - the one in your gut. Your intuition is telling you something. Do NOT ignore it.

100% agree with this. Protecting your kids has to be your number one priority, even if there’s no known offence.

tensmum1964 · 28/03/2025 18:19

The behaviours you describe re the whispering/talking to them so no one else hears and taking them to other rooms is very concerning. Even if his arrest was urinating in a bush and there's no other concerns, I would never leave him alone with my children or trust your mother in law not to. No "normal" grandfather would behave that way so for me that behaviour is very much a red flag.

Muffinmam · 28/03/2025 18:18

Yes, you should do the request because he’s a man around your child and you are getting the creeps from him.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 27/03/2025 16:26

Please make a request using Sarah’s law . You will regret it if you don’t. As others have mentioned you might well be demonised by the rest of your husband’s family - all to often the perpetrators are the ones who have the sympathy.

MarkWithaC · 27/03/2025 15:26

MoodyMargaret11 · 27/03/2025 13:25

I can't really see your so called "red flags"

  • watching legal porn, like thousands other blokes? You think just because he is "old and shy" he shouldn't be doing it??
  • MIL "mknimising" his arrest - for all we know, you might have seem suspiciously pushy/asking weird questions around it, making her uncomfortable. She told you what it was, why does she need to go in any more detail? Now if you're worried, then make the request as others have advised, but don't cast a verdict without knowing anything.
  • Behaviour around DC - does he normally talk quietly or just when they're on his lap? What are the reasons he'd take them to another room - is to play with particular toys, show them something, etc. Does he say anything or is just suddenly gone?

If it was genuinely just peeing in public, years ago, a lot of people would have laughed about it, rather than shutting it down. I find that a bit suspicious.

I'd like to know why he tries to take DC into another room.

DeathEars · 27/03/2025 15:14

I do think there is evidence that pornography addiction can lead people to search for more and more extreme content

That's true, how many males would be satisfied with a photo of a woman on a beer can (oh those halcyon days 🙄) after the first time. Users need to up their content constantly and it will become more extreme the more they use. There would be no money in making illegal pornography if that wasn't the case.

LipglossAlly · 27/03/2025 14:53

As a parent myself, I would urge you to not ignore your gut feelings. There are there for a reason, which is to protect our children. Irrespective of your findings, do not leave your children unattended with him and trust your intuition. I would rather be an overprotective mum than something nefarious happening to my children.

LondonPapa · 27/03/2025 14:40

Red0 · 27/03/2025 10:42

My FIL has always been very quiet and even after 20 years I’ve barely had a conversation with him despite being in his company quite a lot. He comes across as introverted and shy. I always only saw him that way until I had kids and it started to make me a bit more uncomfortable when he would sit his GC on his lap and talk to them very quietly so others couldn’t hear, or try to take them into a separate room and you couldn’t hear what was going on in there. Although around the time of the birth of my first DC I found when using his computer that he’d been watching porn - nothing nefarious, but still I was quite shocked that this quiet older man secretly watches porn - each to their own I guess. Maybe my judgement of his behaviour has been clouded by this discovery. But from then my DC have never been alone with him.

I have recently found out that he was arrested (all I know about when this was is “when he was younger”) for apparently urinating in public. I don’t know if that is something one would be arrested for decades ago. I’m shocked I’ve not heard about it before and it all seems a bit shady the way it was being spoken about, and not “Oh Bob got arrested when he was younger for peeing in a bush, what’s he like!” I don’t know how to describe it, but as if there was more to it. DH says he was told about this but had almost forgotten about it until this recent conversation came up. I asked MIL what the charge was actually called and she said “I don’t know, indecent exposure or something like that” and then shut down anything further I tried to say on the matter.
WIBU of me to try and find out what he was actually arrested for? I don’t even know if I could, but would I be able to make a Claire’s Law or Sarah’s Law for something like this? My DC don’t spend time alone with them, but need to stay at my SILs soon while DH and I attend a funeral and SIL said she needs to go to an appointment so her parents (my ILs) will need to watch the kids for a couple of hours. I’m not overly worried, but this has crossed my mind to do. AIBU?

You can be arrested for public urination and then charged with indecent exposure so it isn’t beyond the realm of possibility.

Now, a man watching porn is nothing to be shocked by. If he can get it up, let him whack off in peace.