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Original poster

DSis threatening to destroy my family with secret recording what do I do?

441 replies

InsufficantLizard · 27/03/2025 09:55

NC for this because it’s beyond messy, and I feel sick even typing it.

Long story short, DSis and I have always had a strained relationship, but we were civil for the sake of DM. Well, that’s out the window now. She’s been holding onto a secret recording of me saying something (out of context, obviously) that could genuinely ruin my marriage and family life if it got out. She’s now threatening to send it to DH and possibly others unless I do what she wants (not going into details, but it’s completely unreasonable).

I feel like I’m in a nightmare. DH would be absolutely gutted if he heard it, even though I swear it’s not what it sounds like. I don’t know whether to try and reason with her (unlikely to work), preemptively tell DH (but risk blowing everything up myself), or just wait and see if she actually does it.

For context, DSis has always been a bit of a drama queen, but this is next level. I just don’t understand how my own sister could be so cruel.

What would you do? Anyone been in a similar situation? Handhold needed, please. I feel sick. 😞

OP posts:
seanconneryseyebrow · 27/03/2025 10:59

I think if you share what it is you said and the context I reckon people will reassure you that it’s not that bad.

mamajong · 27/03/2025 10:58

Personally, if it's not 'that' bad and can be explained in context then I'd do absolutely nothing. I'd tell 'd'sis to do what she wants but if she decides to do that, everyone in the family will see her for what she is. Presumably she's had the recording for a while so surely the wider family will be horrified that she has sat on something and tried to use it to blackmail you. IF it comes out I'd tell DH you didn't mention it because it's not a big deal and laughable because you have a strong relationship and it was nothing, so you just disregarded it as a joke/wind up.

Though this is without knowing what it is. If my DH had been slagging me off on a night out I'd be fuming but I'd get over it as we all have a moan sometimes. But if it was my DH grinding up against a randomer on a night out then it would be hard to find a context where that was OK...it depends what it is and what your boundaries are. If you have in fact crossed a boundary within your relationship then my advice is to fess up and face the consequences.

SirDanielBrackley · 27/03/2025 10:58

"Don't wait for unpleasant disclosures to burst. If the truth must be told, see you tell it first."

Hayley1256 · 27/03/2025 10:58

Its hard to give advice when we don't know what you said

Nextdoortomeis · 27/03/2025 10:58

Report her to the police re blackmail.
Tell your dh.

Over40Overdating · 27/03/2025 10:57

She’s going to tell your DH sooner rather than later once you stop giving in to her demands so you need to take the lead.

It’s not quite as simple as ‘have her arrested’ or record her and then blackmail her back.

The general advice is report to your local police, do not engage with her and save whatever evidence you have to share with the police.

If she’s threatening you by text, email or social media, you may also be able to report her for malicious communications.

None of this has an immediate result so you still need to take charge. Tell your husband. Control the narrative. And never speak to the evil cow ever again.

Sicario · 27/03/2025 10:57

I too have a nightmare sister. I cut all contact with her years ago. She and her husband launched a full-on hate campaign against me after I tried to set boundaries with her. They spread all kinds of awful about me which was desperately upsetting but I realised there was nothing I could do about it.

You cannot reason with people like that.

Can I ask a few questions...

Do you think she is playing a power game with you?
Why was she recording you and when was the recording made?
Were you aware that she was recording you at the time?

This is relevant because I'd be interested to know if she was recording you with the specific intention of using it against you in the future.

Spendysis · 27/03/2025 10:55

Your dsis sounds awful
How is she blackmailing you? By text or email so you have proof? I would politely remind her blackmail is illegal and if she continues you will report her to the police

Then tell dh before she does so you can give him the full story in the correct context

Thelnebriati · 27/03/2025 10:54

I agree with everyone saying you have to get in front of it. Otherwise you'll live in fear for the rest of your life.
There is a risk, you may lose some people from your life, but anyone who sides with a blackmailer is as much a P.O.S. as they are.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 27/03/2025 10:53

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchy has it!

Also, later on in the conversation with your husband tell him that you're going to the police. Even if they don't do anything, the fact that you've gone will show just how serious you are that this recording is misrepresenting the actual conversation, and that she's blackmailing you.

neilyoungismyhero · 27/03/2025 10:53

I would advise her if she continues to threaten this course of action you will go to the police. It's illegal. Giving in to her demands will put you under her thumb forever especially if you cave in this time.

BunnyLake · 27/03/2025 10:53

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/03/2025 10:01

I'd call the police on her. They might retrieve the evidence.

This. It’s illegal to blackmail and is it not illegal to record (and use it) without permission (not sure on that one).

GasPanic · 27/03/2025 10:48

This woman sounds awful and if you don't find an effective and robust way of dealing with this now then you will never be free of her.

You need this person out of your life.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 27/03/2025 10:48

Just tell him! Surely he knows what she’s like
and block her and cut contact with this woman and move on with your life

what a drama

NeedToChangeName · 27/03/2025 10:48

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 27/03/2025 10:26

Never, ever give someone the power to blackmail you by doing what they ask. Take action before they do.

It's all how you have the conversation with DH.

"dsis and I were talking, I said this, she said this etc... Then she has secretly recorded me and clipped it to make it sound like I was saying this when I wasn't".

If it is genuinely out of context then your explanation should make sense.

But either way, I would rather blow up my life than let someone blackmail me.

Besides, even if she doesn't release it this time, it will always be hanging over your head until you tell the truth.

Edited

Agree with this

If you give into blackmail once, you'll never hear the end of it. It'll just happen again and again

Tagyoureit · 27/03/2025 10:48

So she doesn't have a recording of you confessing something like one of the kids is not dh's or you cheated on him? It's something you said that been taken out of context then you need to discuss this with your dh and explain it to him in the correct context and explain what your sister is doing.

Get brave and actually have a conversation with the man you took vows with, for goodness sake! Surely he must know how batshit your sister is? And in the long run, you'll make yourself look worse because the longer you leave it, the more it looks like you do have something to hide.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 27/03/2025 10:48

Keep any messages that prove she's blackmailing you and try and record her doing it if it's face to face. Then tell DH and explain the context. Then go to the police. Don't let this shit of a person have any power over you. If you give in now, she'll do this your whole life.

Blanca87 · 27/03/2025 10:47

Report her for blackmail.

gannett · 27/03/2025 10:47

InsufficantLizard · 27/03/2025 10:17

I know, I know. I probably should just tell DH first, but I’m absolutely terrified of how he’ll react. It’s not that bad, but out of context, it sounds awful, and I don’t know if he’ll see past it. DSis is making out like it’s some huge betrayal when it’s really not, but I can’t unring the bell once it’s out there.

I keep thinking if I just ignore her, she might not go through with it, but if she does, I’ll look even worse for not saying anything first. Feel like I’m stuck either way.

Show quote history

Very very likely you've been led by your sister to think it's unforgivable. Very likely your instincts that it's not that bad are closer to the mark. Tell your husband what you said and the all-important context, and tell him what your sister is threatening to do.

(Also very likely he knows what sort of person your sister is, and will thus be more inclined to take your side.)

seanconneryseyebrow · 27/03/2025 10:46

My abusive ex threatened to reveal a secret thst would blow up my brothers marriage. He had basically been intimate with other sister in law when teens but my other sil is the extremely jealous type and it would have caused serious drama.

anyway he knew rhis and threatened and threatened me. I was in bits told my brother and he said let him do his worst. He never bothered. But it really was scary for a while.

do u think she’d actually do it? If not I’d just call her bluff. And prepare yourself with an explanation if you need it

Seeingadistance · 27/03/2025 10:46

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 27/03/2025 10:02

I’d tell your DH and I’d go to the police. She is blackmailing you. That’s a criminal offence. She wants to blow up your family - you need to strike first.

This.

BillyBoe46 · 27/03/2025 10:43

If you cave to her demands there will absolutely be more demands.

LBFseBrom · 27/03/2025 10:43

LivelyMintViper · 27/03/2025 10:04

Get a recording of her blackmail
Then tell her if she follows through you will use it to prove blackmail and go to the police.

That's a very good idea.

Namerequired · 27/03/2025 10:43

You need to tell your husband in the proper context. If it’s not that bad then what is the issue? If it’s just you ranting about him, sure don’t we all do that?

Woofle · 27/03/2025 10:42

Honestly just tell him, he’s your husband! You should be a team. I’d believe my husband over a toxic family member