MIL wants DH to meet her on his own for Mother’s Day

@Sunshine202341 you are fortunate you have a supportive husband.

It must be hard in some ways on mothers when sons become fathers and wives and children are in the picture and they have to take a bit of a back seat or result to manipulative game playing as your MIL seems to do and mine too. Your DH has done right. My MIL would have DH down visiting every weekend if she could and it’s a similar distance. If some MIL’s could only see they would get more if they were also nice to DIL’s rather than always making it about themselves.

My MIL who is now elderly phoned DH recently and asked him to visit to help with something. He is unwell and aware he couldn’t do much so suggested that we would both go down and help. She turned round quick as a flash and said but SIL who also lives very near MIL only wants you and your brother to come down and help (she doesn’t want Ayeaye and other SIL there as well).

We argued and I didn’t go in the end and let her have her boys to herself. It then it turns out SIL just ignored MIL and went dowb anyway. MIL waited till she had everyone around her in earshot and said its a pity Ayeaye didn’t want to come down (tried to blame my not being there on me, but DH said the only reason Ayeaye isn’t here is because you expressly asked her not to come down of course she denied ever saying it and the next time she phoned DH she said its a shame about any misunderstanding about Ayeaye not visiting still effectively blaming me. I let it go.

I think it’s lovely for them to take their mum out for lunch just the siblings. I don’t think Dh or BIL have spent any time alone with their mum since I came on the scene if not before, and Dh and I have been together 17 years! Literally never a lunch without partners and children or meeting for a coffee. It’s weird, frankly.

BUT two of her adult children now have Mothers Day to celebrate with their own young families. The baton gets passed. They should plan to do something next weekend or another time, but send cards and ring on the day.

There are lots of posts about Mother’s Day. I am a mum and am lucky my mum
is still here, but there has never been any pressure or expectation in any way. I have sometimes been with my DC, sometimes not, sometimes with mum, sometimes not. I don’t understand the fuss.

I think a lot of mothers expect a lie in, or the chance to have a quiet cup of coffee or a nice long bath on Mother's Day!

On the broader point, I really hope that I will continue to get some time alone with my children when they grow up if they have spouses and children. I actively enjoy spending time with them as people and would like to be able to occasionally speak more freely, enquire about their lives, reminisce, not always have to orientate the conversation towards being inclusive of 'new' members. OK, I wouldn't choose to do it on Mother's Day but it would make me cross if a continued one on one relationship was construed as controlling or 'not cutting the apron strings'.

If MIL text DH and said do you want to go out for lunch on mother's Day DHs response would be we'd love to or ever already got plans but can do Saturday, I wouldn't expect her to name me on the invitation. How would she react if he messaged and said yes shall I book somewhere for all of us?

She's asked, it's up to your husband to give the right answer. Which imo would be "sorry mum. Don't want to leave Sunshine on her own on mother's day". No need for you to worry about it unless he doesn't say that, in which case you've a problem with him. Don't fall into the trap of seeing your MiL as your problem or rival. She asked her son to do something, it's completely on him how he deals with that to do right by you.

That’s what her MIL is trying to do.

My husband wouldn’t go because he was weaned from mummy 35 years ago but I appreciate that some men still haven’t reached that point.

I clicked on YABU in the poll by mistake, sorry OP, you definitely aren’t! Absolutely fine to want to your kids without their partners occasionally, but not on their first Mother’s Day as a mum!

Load of fuss about nothing really. All the posters saying they want their special day with their own
little family and then by the evening aibu will be full of then moaning about the day. It’s just a commercial opportunity.

I think your own mother needs to take a back seat on Mother's Day once you have your own children. The mother of your children should be your main focus, If he could nip off for a couple of hours max it might be different, but he can't, so he should say no. Or he should suggest that he and is siblings visit her together another day soon, in lieu of Mother's Day itself, when it won't leave you alone on a day that matters so much. Perhaps she assumed you'd be wanting to spend the day with your own mum.

That's a hell of a stretch!

Mil has already cut op out it would be sending very bad signals for ops dh to take the baby without her!!

When someone has been this thoughtless you need to help them see. Op in a nice way please chat to dh about this and say things are different now in future would he be able to either say no out right or stall mil to check with you first.

Wow what varied responses. Start as you mean to go on. YOU are a mother now irregardless if your a baby was born yesterday or 9 months ago it’s your first Mother’s Day and DH will be with you. This same scenario may present along other holidays so this is a good time to start having conversations about DH/MIL and time. For me..I actually want my dc with me on MD so it would t be a bonus to have DH taken eith him. I want to celebrate as a family irregardless of dc age. MIL day with 4 hr drive plus lunch is the whole damn day so she is effectively taking all of MD from you. And lastly a PP suggested MIL may not realize it’s MD??? Yea I doubt that

This would infuriate me as well so much! So bad of her to expect you to spend YOUR Mother’s Day solo parenting, and she gets exactly what she wants. She sounds like hard work. I’m glad your husband has said no, but frustrating they have that sort of dynamic where he now feels guilty for it.

There’s never an answer that keeps everyone happy for things like this. I couldn’t be arsed to have this as the hill I would die on but I’d say that he could look after the baby for Saturday (whole or part) while I went off and had some time to myself though, or planned something for the three of you for the Saturday (or following Sunday where it’ll be less busy in restaurants).

It’s OP’s first mothers’ day and allowing this is setting a precedent.

This. MiL is setting a precedent that she takes priority over the mothers of her grandkids. In this situation l’d expect my DH to tell her she’s not the only mother and any celebration should include partners and children.

If you’re going to be with your child, and mum if she’s still around, it’s right that he should see his mum.

Obviously you don’t ask your son to leave his own partner on her first Mother’s Day as a mother. I mean obviously that’s not on.

Just beggars belief.

OP says it’s a two hour journey to meet his mum, so evening wouldn’t work.

What is it about some women turning into absolute selfish nobheads when their son has a kid themselves?
no of course you shouldn’t be left to solo parent while he panders to his selfish mother. She is completely unreasonable and selfish.

I’m not sure the point of Mother’s Day is to get shot of your children for a bit 😂

I'm also about to have my first mother's day too. I'm not sure he's planned anything, but I would be hopping mad if he'd not only not planned anything but also abandoned us all day. That's just like basically every day when he goes to work... I don't mind him popping over to see his Mum - luckily we are close by, and indeed I have taken the lead in MIL's present - but I expect us to do something as our new little family and/or for him to take the lead for a couple of hours and let me have a break.