MIL wants DH to meet her on his own for Mother’s Day

You're not being unreasonable. She's and selfish too. It's a family day not a me, me day!>

Exactly my thought, she's not going to send separate message to her son and his wife to ask them to come, so I'd make sure you aren't invited before I'd respond.

It seems so add not to clarify, but then complain about it!

It's DH who ibu if he didn't say sorry mam I'm doing X with my wife and baby. Could we do another weekend? Or would you like to do something with my whole family

Why doesn't DH just ask if that includes partners and grandkids?

My opinion is that when a couple marries/commits to be together, they start a new family. They should get to decide what traditions they want to follow for their family. For some, that means alternating holidays with their families of origin. For others, it means keeping the day of for themselves and celebrating with their other relatives on different days. Some start hosting holidays and invite their families of origin. None of these are wrong or right. It is about what works best for the couple and their new family.

I’ve tried every variation and what works for us is we celebrate our holidays as a nuclear family, creating our own traditions. Usually, we offer to celebrate with our families of origin on another day. This is what works best for us and our children. Some of our relatives are understanding and make plans with us. Some refuse and get upset. Over the years, we’ve learned that we can’t please everyone, so we focus on our happiness.

Surely it's the norm that on the first few father/mother's days the other parent makes a little fuss of their partner? Until the child can knock up a little card of their own and bring a bit of toast in bed or whatever. And even then surely it's the other parent supervising and remembering for quite a few years.

If my DH had just said ''you're not my mum so i'm not doing anything it would have been a bit brutal. The little card 'from' baby and the tea in bed was very sweet when they are tiny.

I did the same for him on father's day. I suppose if you must label the behaviour its a way of the pair of us acknowledging each other as doing well with the new struggle as a parent and having a little treat in the name of the baby.

As well as little one's i also have adult DCs. No way i'd request all my older kids to leave their partners and the one grandchild and gather round me for the day like some kind of queen bee!

Couples have baby's first everything to share together, wedding anniversaries, birthdays etc.

Wouldn’t her MIL likely had the same firsts as well when her children were born though?

@DaniO2I don’t expect to be my husband’s main focus, but I expect to be a focus amongst his mother. If seeing his mother would mean him being away from us for the day (especially because we were explicitly not invited) then he simply wouldn’t go, because given the choice, he would want to spend it with me and his toddler making sure I feel loved and spoiled.

If DH truly had his way we probably wouldn’t see either his mum or my mum on Mother’s Day. His suggestion this year was that we do something as a family and then take both our mums out for lunch together next week! I wasn’t having any of that.

I remember my first Mothers Day. We were living in a European country ( Mother’s Day is different) and remembered on the Saturday it was Mother’s Day the next day in the UK. We rushed around organising flowers etc ( days before the internet) and later that night sat down with a glass of wine congratulating ourselves on having got something done. Of course we then realised on the Sunday morning, that we had both forgotten that I would now be celebrating Mothers Day, the shops were shut and so DH had to hurriedly make a handmade card 😂😂 Enjoy your day OP. Every family is different, you just need to work out what is right for you.

How will @Sunshine202341 have a lovely time with her own baby that is different from any other day? Will the baby give her a lie in, take her out to lunch, buy her a card/present?

Their first Mother's Day is often special for new mums as they are in the thick of parenting and it can all be quite thankless. OP's MIL sounds awful by insisting that OP's DH makes Mother's Day all about her and actually demands that partners be excluded.

It’s not wrong to want to see her children on mothers’ day. What l find distasteful about the whole thing is that MiL is specific. No partners and no grandchildren - knowing that will mean the other mothers in her immediate family either staying at home alone with their young children, or leaving them behind. And this is despite knowing that DH will have to travel two hours each way, so it’s not just lunch, it’s the whole day. It’s selfish, it’s divisive and it’s sending a clear message about her own self importance.

On father's day if I had a young baby I would celebrate my husband for being a brilliant father. As they get older I'd get them involved, and eventually they could take over.

I would see my dad another day or text him. I wouldn't spend the whole day with him, either leaving my husband with a baby or alone, and my dad would never ask me to because he respects that I'm an adult with my own family now.

She wanted to show who is the more / most important woman in their lives...

What do you think happens? People celebrate and make a fuss over their fathers. So hopefully OP would see her dad and her DH would see his dad. Exactly the same as Mother's Day.

Parents can decide between them who looks after the child. Ideally they could all go out together if they live close enough.

Again, you don't stop being a mother/father just because your children marry and have children of their own.

"She's the central mother in his life once they have children together." I don't agree. She is his wife. That's an important role (probably the most important relationship after your children) but no she doesn't become the central mother in his life. She is his wife. She doesn't need to usurp his mother in his life.

This thread is eye-opening. I'm pretty surprised at how many young mothers expect to be the main focus for their husbands on mother's day. I think the meaning behind Mother's Day has changed a lot over the years.

What do you think should happen on Father's Day?

So what happens on fathers day?

Does the dad go off alone to see his parents again, leaving his wife to look after the babies? How wonderful for her.

Or does the mom leave him to look after the babies so she can see her dad?

Father's have always helped their young children to show appreciation for their mother/his wife on mother's day. She's the central mother in his life once they have children together.

My sons take me out for a meal for Mothering Sunday, before the actual day. This means they can spend the day with their own families.

This is absolutely the right way to do things. Your DH needs to do something similar for his mum and then spend the day spoiling you.

Ah OK

No at all. I'm saying IMO people in general/ children should celebrate their mother (rather than celebrating their wives for fulfilling the role of a mother). It's not that difficult a concept to grasp. You feel differently. That's fine.

I don't think I said OP should be left alone all day. I'd have assumed women would spend the day with their own mothers if they are still alive and they get along, or in the best case scenario work out a compromise that works for everyone like you've done.

Obviously a baby currently is too young to celebrate their mother. That's ok. They'll be able to as they get older.

I'm allowed to have a different view to you and to offer my opinion when OP asked for opinions in AIBU.

It isn't disingenuous to have a different opinion. To suggest otherwise is daft.

This is the crux of it and what personally I don't agree with: "If that is not possible due to distance, and the baby is unable to spoil their mother themselves, then DH should be prioritising his wife’s experience over his mothers."

I feel Mother's Day has morphed into something where her DH now has to prioritise his wife on Mother's Day - i.e. celebrating his wives for fulfilling the role of a mother rather than his mother.

Couples have baby's first everything to share together, wedding anniversaries, birthdays etc. It's just one day for your mother and it shouldn't stop or be overridden because you got married and had children of your own IMO. If you think differently, that's fine. It doesn't make me disingenuous.

And I'd absolutely agree with that. And if the dad buys a card, get some flowers 'from the baby/child' etc it's a nice gesture. But to me that's a husband showing his wife she is appreciated and not really the basis of what Mother's Day is all about to me.

I think in general views have shifted and most people share your attitude towards Mother's Day now. I just think it's a shame that it's shifted away from children celebrating their mother's to husbands celebrating their wives (- although I do think there could be more of that!)

Lots of women with and without child like to spend the day with their own mums without their partner tagging along, I really dont get this territorial thing that seems to happen when people get into relationships, everyone else does not vanish because you shack up with someone or have a child with them, there is no law that says you can't do things on other days what you would do on MD

Ans yes this is 100% sexist but this MIL v DIL competition that seems to happen a lot is just plain weird, MD or not

It’s disingenuous because on the one hand you are saying the day should be about celebrating one’s mother, and on the other you are saying that OP should either be left alone to solo parent on that day, or that the baby should be taken away too and she should spend the day alone (I.e she is not being celebrated at all). Both OP and her MIL are mothers. Both deserve to have a fuss made of them on the day. If that is not possible due to distance, and the baby is unable to spoil their mother themselves, then DH should be prioritising his wife’s experience over his mothers.

We’re really lucky in that we live within half an hour of both of our mothers. We see MIL in the morning, my mum in the afternoon and then DH sorts a special tea for me in the evening.

I think you’re confused. I didn’t attend the birthday celebration that she had requested be with her boys only. I took her out for lunch a week or so before, with my DH and our DD. That lunch was nothing to do with her birthday. We take her out regularly.

No.

My point is that it’s a day that people choose to make mothers feel special and appreciated. Who makes sure OP feels special and appreciated as a mother? It obviously has to be the other adult in the family for the first few years, and it would be pretty inconsiderate not to make the effort. It’s possible to do nice things for your own mother and your partner, they’re not mutually exclusive (although OP’s MIL was trying to make it so).

YANBU. She's rediculous thinking he should leave you alone all day with the baby on your first mother's day. Sounds like he's handled it perfectly though, offering to visit another day instead. Good that he can set a different expectation now that he has his own family.