AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

You can’t buy a diagnosis

I’m sorry but too many people are buying a diagnosis and using it as an excuse for poor behaviour.

Go to a private diagnosis company, pay your fee and you will get a diagnosis, my gp friend says it’s 99%, the remaining 1% actually have a different perhaps more serious condition that was overlooked by busy doctors. Few will have clinically significant neurodiversity but most will be just one of the many ordinary functioning people (like all of my family including me) that meet the criteria.

My dc is autistic, properly autistic as in diagnosed aged 2 though mid-high functioning thankfully as an adult and I never accepted poor behaviour, being anti social, she needs to fit in with this world.

Well we are the grown ups. We chose to have them so we suck it up. DH had therapy when they were little (sticky) and I do a lot of exercise classes.

A lot of people with autism (me included) find meal times in particular very stressful. The noise, smells, sensory stuff is overwhelming. If they’re an otherwise engaged parent I don’t think letting them have a bit of peace whilst eating and watching stuff on their phone is a big deal; it depends whether it’s a small part of the day or they’re like that all the time.

For example, myself and Ds (13) have autism. Dh has adhd. We don’t like to eat at a table unless we go out to a restaurant (which we do regularly) so at home we don’t have a table and all like to eat with our plates on our laps, watching Tv etc Ds will have an iPad. It’s relaxed and it’s how we like it. I know others would find that strange. But every other part of the day we’re chatting and interacting etc.

She has a disability ffs.

Broadly I think you’re NBU, although it’s probably not as cut and dried as that.

I don’t yet have a diagnosis but on the waiting list for ADHD diagnosis. I have to admit I’ve found the unrelentingness of parenting very hard over the years - the fact you can’t switch off or “zone out” at times in the evenings when you mind need/ want to.

So albeit a lot of parents wish to do that, I think you have to believe this parent that her need to do so is more than an NT parent’s wants.

Equally, she has to meet her children’s needs as a parent, and sometimes that means putting their needs above her own. I don’t really think a parents with headphones on locked into a film at the table is reasonable, even if you may allow an ND child to do this.

But it’s crappy parenting!

The other thing to bear in mind though is that ND parents often have ND children. Sometimes that means that one person’s meltdowns can trigger another’s sensory issues. Although it can also make for quite a harmonious experience most of the time in our case.

Let me get this clear? The ND parent is the one having screen time and ignoring their children?

If so, no this is not something that I would do as a ND parent myself. My children’s needs come above mine. That’s the choice I accepted when I had children.

However, I certainly don’t think it’s wrong to let ND children have as much screen time as they need. Research shows that it’s actually beneficial to them.

So basically you are being horribly judgemental about a family member’s parenting, and justifying this on the grounds that they are disabled. Nice one.

of course YABU. Wind your neck in.

Parents who are disabled physically or otherwise can’t always manage their symptoms so they don’t impact on their kids.

A parent with autism/adhd may well struggle. I’m not sure that expecting kids to be quiet at particular times when a parent needs some quiet is necessarily a problem.

small kids can be very loud and frankly if they can be trained to be quiet occasionally so much the better.

Her kids may have already played her last string that day, to be blunt.

I’m AuDHD. I mean… it depends. For me and many others, I was coping fine until I had kids. They and their needs and noise and and and are the thing that tipped me over into seeking diagnosis, as my long established coping mechanisms stopped working. I do my best to make sure my kids don’t pay the price for my diagnosis (while acknowledging that I have massively increased their chances of being neurodivergent themselves), but sadly sometimes I am not an ideal parent. I have a lower tolerance for noise and chaos than a typical person, and a greater need for routine. And so on. So I’d have a bit of sympathy.

Autistic parent. YANBU, she shouldn't be ignoring her young children.