AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

Lived experience from my friendship group. I've posted about it before.

Call bs all you want, I've got ND kids and have run the gauntlet of assessments for decades and know how many hoops there is to jump through. But there, are beyond a shadow of a doubt, unscrupulous professionals out there and if you think it doesn't happen with some private companies you're staggeringly naive.

Ok, what is your evidence for this please? If you can’t provide any I call BS. If you make bold statements then substantiate your claims.

The NHS now outsources a lot of its referrals to private companies. They wouldn’t do this if these people made up fake dx.

I have extensive experience of both private and NHS services and I have found that, if anything, the independent companies want MORE evidence before they begin to undertake any assessments.

Most clinicians will expect to see medical referrals and / or school referrals.

An autism diagnosis will require diagnostic, numerical scores. FYI.

At the end of the day OP you only see this behaviour when you are there. It's possible you are the trigger for this, not anything personal but a visitor in the house. Maybe the moment you walk out the door all is OK again.

It's a tricky balance but the parents responsibility is to put the child first and do whatever it takes. People who are physically disabled don't let their kids starve because preparing a meal might be very difficult for them, that extreme example obviously but they find a system that works. I know someone with Adhd who has to do heavy lifting or intense exercise for a couple of minutes in order to be able to sit down and chat at dinner time. This to me is a good example of managing a disability.

All that said, parents are allowed child free moments in their day and children need to learn their parents limits and that they are humans. Maybe their system is parent engages while preparing dinner but then needs 20 mins quiet time then, is ready to engage again before bedtime. You don't know the full story from visiting

Does your GP friend take responsibility for thd fact that she's unable to offer assessment for patients supposedly under her care? What is she doing about that? Does she not believe her patients? Does she think she knows best? Doesn't sound very scientific. What's her solution to thd decades long undef diagnosis of women and the harm it's caused?

Not directed at me I know but there are some unscrupulous companies out there and yes buying the assessment will almost guarantee a diagnosis.

Its very naive to think otherwise.

Interesting I came to this post after the gender debate. I just read from a autism research book, that a ND man would generally put their needs above social norms and not be bothered by the social consequences, whereas a ND woman would more likely mask her discomfort and needs to appear to fit in with NT peers.

When I read the post as a mother ignoring her kids I thought "that's too far" but when I realised it was a father I thought "oh that figures". The typical behaviour we expect of men and women is so ingrained in society!

My mother ignored us as kids with the silent treatment or TV over dinner, despite us being generally quiet and well behaved children. She was undiagnosed autistic and had learning difficulties. I am on the waiting list to be assessed so I am trying to speak from my experience. It was not a great childhood. I literally didn't sit around a normal family dinner table until I was in my 20s at friend's houses!

Surely a better accommodation would be for a parent to use ear plugs or headphones without music to dampen the general noise. A continuation of ignoring a child every dinner time is not a good dynamic to live and be raised in. If it's occasional then that may be acceptable if parent is present during other family time.

So albeit a lot of parents wish to do that, I think you have to believe this parent that her need to do so is more than an NT parent’s wants.

But how can anyone possibly know that, or draw the line between wanting and needing for something like that?

Of course he shouldn’t be ignoring his kids. Putting headphones in and watching a film while they’re trying to talk to you is just rude, adhd or not.

My DH has ASD and wears 1 headphone at dinner to help him cope. He can get involved in conversation but generally zones out a bit. I think watching videos is too far, and to be honest I'd rather he ate elsewhere than be such a poor role model for table manners.

Autistic/ADHD parent. I think the kids needs come first. I also had likely undiagnosed Autistic parent and their excessive rules and need for quiet/alone time really made the family isolated from each other.

From what I hear, men put themselves first whether NT or ND. As I say, my father wasn’t a father. He was like another child who resented me taking time away from him and his needs. I would never put my children through that.

@TheWayTheLightFalls. I was being slightly flippant, DH and I have huge problems with noise. So we mitigate it in other ways, never ignoring the children. (We remove background noise, taught the children good table manners so there is no slurping or clinking or chewing with mouth open taking turns to talk etc).

Lots of people saying 'she' and 'her'.

But the OP has done the 'they/them' Olympics all through the opening post.

OP will be seeing a snapshot! No one is the perfect parent all the time- it’s always easy to judge moments from the outside .

It's tricky. I feel that I had to keep some semblance of attention trained on my DC, even though the Minecraft monologues , bickering and screeching are like a chainsaw in my brain. It's exhausting though- no wonder I don't manage to work FT as well.

I would say there's often a difference between autistic men and women based on societal expectations. Women feel that they have to endure discomfort for the sake of their kids- men are more likely to put themselves first.

(Worthwhile observing that I wrote this while conducting a conversation with DS1 about the precise spiciness of the peppers in the fridge though 😳)

There is a limit to how much one person can suck it up before it affects one’s patience / tolerance / limit. Part of being a grown up, disabled or not, is around knowing your limits and making a plan when you feel you are approaching that limit. Doing that isn’t failing to “suck it up”. Everyone has a limit. I probably have a much higher limit than the average neurotypical person for certain analytical tasks. I probably (almost certainly) have a much lower limit for noise than the average person, and if I push myself beyond that limit it’s overwhelm/breakdown territory rather than mild inconvenience. It’s ok for people to recognise their limits and modify accordingly, rather than keep “sucking it up”. Frankly I think that would be a good approach for a lot of NT people to try, but for disabled people it can be essential.

And fwiw I run a business, outwardly look like I’m kicking ass etc - that still doesn’t oblige me to suck it up.

The two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Also trading off with spouse if you have one. Now we know we both likely have ADHD we are better at recognising when the other one needs to hand off to decompress for a bit.

My husband has ADHD and I have been referred (only realised through going through assessment process for DSS) for assessment too. Noise is the biggest one for me and I occasionally order everyone out of the kitchen whilst I’m cooking, ask everyone play the quiet game whilst doing food shopping so as not to forget everything I came for, go into my room and shut the door for a moment when DD3 is melting down and not responding to quiet offer of being there when she’s ready. I definitely get snappier when overstimulated and would love to live in my noise cancelling headphones as I did in my 20s but no it’s not okay to simply ignore your child because you’re ND. I do try and explain that sometimes the noise is just too much or I need a minute or can’t think etc. I think DSS gets it but of course the other two are too small. It’s about maintaining the connection the rest of the time.

Yes I agree. My dad is almost certainly undiagnosed autistic and his relentlessly selfish and uninterested behaviour towards me as a child growing up has been very damaging.