AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

Poor parenting

GoodEnoughParents · Yesterday 22:23

"It’s not about just meeting NHS criteria though. As an AuDHD mother who works in ND and Mental Health, and has been through NHS and private for my own assessment. I met NHS criteria in terms of diagnostic screening but because I function well within society it wasn’t within their remit and funding to pursue assessment for me. Private or Right To Choose often fill this gap where people function but want to understand themselves and their identity better."

But problems with social functioning is the criteria for diagnosis otherwise we risk labelling individual traits/differences as a disorder. There has to be a cut-off point somewhere. Of course the NHS isn't going to fund "getting to know yourself" assessments if there's no significant functioning problems to warrant it.

The fact that they have a disability won’t change the children’s experience. It’s equally as crappy whether the parent has a disability or not.

It is a bit ableist but as a ND mother, frankly, I’m used to it. My child was in high school before I was diagnosed because of how little research has been done into female presenting neurodiversity. My Mum is also ND and wasn’t diagnosed until after I was.

Life with a child was awful for me. I had no idea how much it was going to impact my mental health and I actually had a breakdown. Since mine has been out of primary it’s been so much better but I only had one (also, DC was a surprise baby, I hadn’t planned on any, and was 14 weeks before I found out due to being on the Depo shot and not having periods anyway) because I just couldn’t handle it.

The mess, noise, disruption, lack of time to myself, please don’t underestimate how hard it is for ND parents, generally speaking we’re trying so hard.

Evidence? Like I said before, if you’re going to make bold statements, substantiate it.

I don't think that's unfair to expect thst tbh given he has all day to regulate.

He could use earplugs that cut down sensory input instead if noise is a trigger.

Is this recent behaviour?

You Absolutely can. Many mass ADHD assessment providers, including those contracted to fill the NHS void, are paid to confirm what a person comes to seek.

My child listens to music through their headphones too ….but the op is commenting about a grown man who has chosen to have children and seeing as both adhd and autism are neuro developmental disorders, to get to adulthood without being in a position of needing to make adjustments before that diagnosis is given , is the reason why people like Dr. Suzanne O ‘Sullivan are arguing about diagnostic creep, where the thresholds to be given a diagnosis are changing.

YANBU.

Thank god DH doesn’t behave like this.

Overstimulation is a thing, and no one is perfect, but he needs to find better ways of coping, eg take himself to a different room.

NOT sit next to his kids at mealtime, headphones in, and reject their bids for attention. No excuses for that.

If somebody had a physical disability and needed to lie down for a rest so put their child in front of the tv would you sympathise?
Autism can be quite debilitating at times. I think you are being very judgemental.

Those issues might have always been present, but now with better understanding has found a way to manage the discomfort and pain of mealtimes. Noise cancelling headphones without music don’t help everyone, I can’t use them as they make the ADHD noise in my brain even louder. I listen to Brown noise if I MUST eat with other people. But it isn’t a long term solution and I couldn’t do it every day.

I don’t and haven’t ever eaten with my children. It doesn’t matter how much time I have to ‘be my neurodivergent self’ the over stimulation and noise of children at meal times is too much and it’s better for everyone that I not be around as much as possible so I don’t get upset which would upset them.

We only have your opinion of this person and it may be accurate, but it may not be. There’s no way for us to know.

There’s some really interesting points you’ve made. In our family we don’t eat together as a rule as we focus on other more enjoyable activities for family time and if we do , one child wears noise cancelling earphones if they need to …as you say , I would expect a parent to be able to parent adequately by making choices that don’t involve making their kids feel lesser or unimportant in their parents lives. I doubt someone who only recently received their adhd diagnosis as an adult has not been able to comply with social norms previously and this is my problem with people who suddenly change their boundaries only after receiving a diagnosis. This would have been a coping strategy always so anything that has changed only since diagnosis, would be up for discussion if I were his wife!

This is so woefully ignorant from start to finish. It's difficult to know where to begin.

There is no sensible reason for doctors and specialists at private clinics to wrongly diagnose patients. People don't get a refund on their assesment fee if they're not diagnosed.

Some NT parents would like quiet at mealtimes (I prefer to chat), most hate the sound of their kids screaming, though some can ignore it, but all parents should be interacting with their kids.

I think the father in the OPs example shouldn't be eating with the kids, as they're being forced to sit in silence and watch him watch videos on his phone, they're learning that his needs come before everone elses. He should eat elsewhere, while apologising to his kids that he can't spend time having fun with them, and apologising to his partner that he can't fully share the parenting load.

The status of his diagnosis doesn't mean the household has to revolve around him, or that he can't make an effort to put his family first.

You can have ADHD and still be a selfish arse.

Yeah that's completely unacceptable. If he's feeling overwhelmed it would be better to go lie down for a bit and come back or eat later, not ignore people - his children! - at the dinner table. It's incredibly bad manners for one.

It is not oneupmanship to ask you to substantiate your claims. if you won’t then people can draw their own conclusions. I am sick of seeing this on Mumsnet because what it does is to add fuel to the fire of bullying disabled people who are now accused of being fakers and liars.

You’re the one who brought up decades of experience. My point is that I understand how dx are made and have both NHS and independent diagnoses that have been made within my family. Myself and dd3 have NHS dx and my other two autistic children have independent dx. I was able to use one of those independent diagnosis reports to convince the LA of the need for statutory assessment.

It sounds from what you say that you have decided your ‘friend’ isn’t as disabled as your children and therefore ought not to have a diagnosis. I’m assuming you’re not a diagnosing practitioner? One autistic person can look very different from another.

NHS diagnostic models are still (sometimes) outdated for girls / women because they can be based on male presentations. Some women are also very good at masking.

Also not sure what you being NT has to do with anything. I used to think I was NT.

@WillyoujustbequietIt’s not about just meeting NHS criteria though. As an AuDHD mother who works in ND and Mental Health, and has been through NHS and private for my own assessment. I met NHS criteria in terms of diagnostic screening but because I function well within society it wasn’t within their remit and funding to pursue assessment for me. Private or Right To Choose often fill this gap where people function but want to understand themselves and their identity better.

I put YABU to the OP as you don’t know the full picture of the parenting from this snippet alone. Is it neglectful, distant, cold? Or is it 90% good and warm parenting, with 10% not so great. No parent is perfect and good enough with lots of love works well.

Well for me I found i had to find methods to manage.
I find screaming really overloading, can feel myself bubble up and shut down. With my youngest I can just do a few STOP (stop,take a step back, observe, proceed mindfully) techniques, go into mental ticklist mode and practically manage the situation to not freak. But my oldest (surprise surprise) has suspected (too young to diagnose going through system) Autism and has really bad meltdowns. So its a juggle of managing my overwhelm and also catering to the adaptions she needs to deescalate. So it has taken a long time to work out how to manage it effectively with a LOT of tried and failed methods along the way.
I feel as the parent its my job to manage MY triggers to lead by example and show how you work around our strengths and weaknesses to get a solution.

I actually found mindfulness and meditation works well and I do that through cooking which is a win for everyone 😂 i found following recipes and creating lists, then the process of cooking keeps me in the moment and quite calming, it quietens my mind. So hey kids are grumpy and everyone's irritable but we all get cookies 😂

(Think you can tell i did a bit of therapy to help before the kids came along)

It's not a game of one-upmanship about how many decades of experience/number of ND kids we both have. It doesn't invalidate my friend's experience either way.

I'm clearly not going to disclose identifying medical information on a public forum nevermind result in accusations of libel. But then I'm NT.

Happy to leave it there as I don't wish to derail it further.

Which company is this, please? I have decades of experience too. I have 3 autistic children aged between 23 and 5.

Sigh

I'm not talking about decent practitioners. That's the whole bloody point.

My friend believes in her diagnosis 100% and won't be told otherwise. Despite the fact she was told she didn't reach the threshold by both the NHS and other private companies. We've had crossed words about it several times. Knowing what my kids went through versus how easy it was for her offends me greatly. Seeing them struggle daily whilst I'm convinced she presents as NT, albeit menopausal, and yet has the same diagnosis I find galling. But it is what it is. She won't be alone in this and that's why these companies have cropped up.

It’s also important to acknowledge that Local Authorities like to tell parents they won’t accept private assessments. They usually do this because they wish to avoid making provision for a child who needs it because it costs money.

This then becomes a perpetuated myth among parents, teachers and SENCOs who end up telling people that private companies make up fake assessments.

First of all, only a developmental paediatrician or a clinical psychologist is able to make a diagnosis. And if someone with this title decides to provide a fake dx to someone else for nefarious use, they are going to be struck off and lose every shred of credibility they ever had.

Considering the number of children and adults that are on wait lists for genuine reasons, it simply would not be in anyone’s interests to give a NT person a fake diagnosis.

I think you should also name these alleged private companies so that people don’t waste their money…

That’s not evidence. It’s always ‘my friends’

Are your friends aware that they have fake dx? What good is a fake dx?

How can a diagnosis be made without a report that explains how it was made? A decent practitioner will use the ADOS which requires scores. They will also follow the NICE guidelines.

If a dx is fabricated then it will be obvious to whomever is reading it.