AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

I'm on a range on threads. I am not anti ND. I just like scientific reality to be acknowledged on discussions like this as I notice posters like yourself very keen to shut down discourse on this.

The lack of specialist support for ND parents is a real gap in family support/ ND services.

I expect because ND ‘advocates’ would be up in arms at the suggestion that ND could negatively affect their parenting. Instead, spouses and kids are left to suffer. And all out of political cowardice.

Ah another anti ND thread Bumpity, you seem to love these.

The GPs specifically cited concerns about the reliability of diagnoses.

Sorry, but that absolutely doesn't discredit the documentary at all. The ADHD Foundation's complaints are mostly around the BBC not providing sufficient context about the system and constraints within it. They obviously can't say that the man wasn't given a false diagnosis as this is clearly what happened. The argument that a more comprehensive test would lead to a different result than the more common assessment type just makes a mockery of the whole area and highlights how poor our understanding of ADHD is. If you need three hours to distinguish between someone that does and doesn't have ADHD then nobody should be given a diagnosis until they have gone through the more rigorous testing. Also their diagnosis should be presented in the context of our limited understanding in this area and in a way that reflects the scientific uncertainty that exists in this area.

They Foundation even acknowledges that there are some private providers offering a poor quality of service by suggesting that only some private providers offer a quality service. Overall it's a particularly unconvincing attempt to discredit a piece of work.

Going just by this example, I feel incredibly sorry for their children.

Of course we don’t know the whole picture and whether they are involved parent rest of the time.

I do think that if they are not able to sit down and have dinner with their children, they should removed themselves from that situation and eat elsewhere. Or take a break and go lie down to another room.

Ignoring children at the dinner table, wearing headphones and watching a video on their phone while their kids trying to talk to them is really sad and will have an impact on them.

No one is saying they can’t take a break when it’s all too much. But their current coping strategies are impacting their kids and that’s not okay.

So you don't know anything about their daily life? Just how the dad reacts during gatherings of people?

I’m really struggling with your comment. “Properly autistic”? Do you mean not being diagnosed two means someone is not really autistic?
Do you think private diagnosis is not a valid diagnosis?
Do you see neurodivergent behaviour as poor behaviour?
Do you think neurodivergent people have to change to fit in?
This seems to be what you’re saying but hoping I’ve misunderstood

Also many GPs don’t do shared care with NHS diagnosticians due to burden of care. It’s not about reliability. Our excellent GP does not do shared care at all, not even with our fantastic nhs diagnostic service. So the nhs diagnostic service handles prescriptions, titrating, psycology, reviews and alternative treatment.

People with disabilities can also be crappy parents - the two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

What research is that?

This documentary was discredited.

www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/2023/05/15/response-to-bbc-panorama-private-adhd-clinics-exposed/

Is this man a single parent?

I'm reading this feeling sorry for the kids of selfish dads, whether ND or NT, who don't have female parents who put them first (in some cases, by leaving).

In the hierarchy of needs, people still seem to be ok with it being "men-children-women". Remove the woman from a family and there is no one who is societally expected to be effective in prioritising the kids' needs.

ADHD is hereditary as I understand it. So one person in a family is unlikely to be the only one with it. I have noticed some people who have it or appear to have it and may have a late diagnosis have alcoholism, smokers in the family and I would suspect this is self medication.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-65534448

It is absolutely happening. There was also a study in Northern Ireland that showed that GPs were reluctant to support the medicalisation of ADHD due to doubts over the reliability of private diagnoses.

This article from the British Journal of General Practice considers concerns over the robustness of private diagnosis: ADHD and the rise of the private diagnosis

The Panorama documentary screened in 2023 also raises similar concerns with its undercover reporter being able to obtain a diagnosis from all three of the private clinics he attended despite failing to meet the clinical threshold for diagnosis in any of the eighteen recognised symptoms.

I think this is the other side of the story for all those who seem to think that the parent's needs must come first and be met in anyway that he seems fit. He is completely overriding and ignoring the needs of his children. These kids could well be ND themselves too, but even if they weren't, their needs and wants matter too and shouldn't just be sacrificed on the alter of managing his condition.

Young children are not mature adults and not necessarily as capable of making allowances and adjustments for a parent's disability. They just won't have the understanding and maturity to understand why the adjustments need to be made and what it all means. All they will experience is a disengaged parent that gets angry at them when they make noise. It's also likely that young children have problems with impulse control and will struggle to keep quiet in the way that the father wants them to which will lead to more conflict.

Ultimately the father is the grown up that has chosen to have the children. He needs to find a way to manage his conditions whilst minimising the impact it has on the children. The onus should be on him to do this and not to place ridiculous and cruel expectations on young children who are behaving completely age appropriately if they are enjoying their dinner and making some noise.

GP appt are 10 to 15 minutes long. They are not specialists in everything and that's why they do referrals. It's not fair to expect GPs to take responsibility for this, or to expect them to diagnose ADHD or autism during an appointment. There has been a huge rise in people wanting a diagnosis for neuro diversity and primary care isn't a one size fits all.

Evidence?

Is she rich OP? has she got grands to be throwing around so family members can turn up and be around for an hour or two before deciding it's a fake diagnosis?

You don't sound like you know this woman at all, you're definitely not someone she needs around.
This Autistic/ADHD parent (who happens to be your relative?) weird way of describing a relative tbh

I wanna slag off a family members parenting without her knowing PS shes suffering shit I don't understand and have no intention of asking about. Slag her off with me.

OK

Don’t be so naive, of course you can!

I believe there are people who definitely have autism and ADHD. My son has autism and needs a lot of help to function.

But I think some over diagnosis will make people start to doubt the genuine cases,

A relative recently was diagnosed with ADHD and i have my doubts- i wouldn’t say it to the person though. Since childhood they have managed very well in school, plenty of friends, progressed to university and did well there. Got married, got a house, had children - doing well in their job. Still have lots of friends as an adult and do lots of hobbies. Raising children as well as anyone else.

There is nothing significantly up with them if they can function well in society and have never needed support. They bring up the ADHD all the time like to explain why they feel they are disorganised- but to me it looks like standard levels of disorganisation - like sometimes losing your car keys or feeling a bit overwhelmed when you have a lot to do.

My relative us always implying things are exceptionally difficult for them but I think most humans have issues and struggles but have to get on with it without a label.

There are plenty of genuine cases that do need help. My son needs a lot of help as a child but my hope for his sake is that he manages to function to some extent in society- if his life turned out as my relative with ADHD, with his own home, family, career then it would be amazing..

Sounds like my childhood. We weren't allowed to talk, yet he always shouted. We weren't allowed to move, he could see it out of the corner of his eye and it annoyed him. We were all autistic but mine and my siblings stims had to be silenced and supressed as my dad's comfort (and stims) were the only priority.

He was a narcissistic bully and we have all struggled with addiction and mental health issues. Generational trauma is very common in autistic families.

But what are they like overall as a parent?

i might spend a lot of the day listening to my children, going for a walk with them, breaking up fights, giving them baths, giving dinners etc.

then i just want some time alone to eat dinner while looking at my phone - and i will tell them not to bother me - leave me alone until after. Even if they are begging to ask me a question they get a firm ‘no’.

Every human has limits and needs some space to unwind.