AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

Adding to my comment… why don’t you reach out to SIL and offer to meet up for a coffee and tell her you’re there to support her and her DH? And maybe she’ll open up to you, you can try and be there for her rather than judging from the sidelines

They sound like any excited first time parents. We're all clueless until we have our first.

Are your DC the only Grandchildren in that side of the family?
Do you quite enjoy that?

You're making it sound like they're treating it like casually/irresponsibly adopting a puppy, but we all know they've gone through a lot to get to this point.

I suspect what they're saying to you/others is not a true reflection of all their thoughts and feelings, and rightly so. They're not exactly going to verbalise all the normal worries and what ifs to all and sundry - especially if you're this judgemental IRL!

You can be happy and excited at the same time as having apprehension of the unknown. The latter will attract judgement when they've made the choice to adopt. It's not wise to express any hesitations or concerns to family and friends right before it happens, because it looks like you're not committed, even if you are!

If they have gone through the adoption process in the UK and been approved, they will be very aware of the specific challenges adoption brings with it. They likely dont want to share this with you as you sound like the kind of person who might just take joy in other people’s challenges and look to bring people down rather than support them. Get down off your high horse and them be excited. Unless you have been through it yourself you have absolutely no idea what they have been through.

I think they'll learn as they go along. They may have an idealised view of parenthood now (I think we all do before we have kids to be honest) but they'll deal with issues as they arise. What else can they do?

Everyone is clueless before children, it means nothing, you’re thrown in the deep end and you sink or swim. Let them be excited, and then let them start their big new journey without being judged

My sister and I were both adopted as babies, obviously neither of us have memories of being with our respective biological families.

We both have dealt with abandonment issues and attachment issues.

The emotions surrounding adoption are incredibly complex and I would imagine this would be even worse for a toddler vs a baby.

It is okay to be excited, but not to understand that adoption is trauma is ignorant.

I fully believe adoption is necessary and the best thing in many situations... Being adopted is preferable to staying with the biological parent/s.

That doesn't mean that it is all instafamily perfection.

Being excited about what’s to come doesn’t mean they aren’t going to help the child settle. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Most people don’t know what they are in for when it comes to parenthood.

Are they the type to confide about worries? IME many people don’t share their fears (even to counsellors, medical staff etc) as they worry it makes them look like bad parents so cover up with positive stuff like the holiday and sports story. If they said stuff like they worried about their child not bonding with them, they may also worry that people would try and talk them out of the adoption too.

It’s not unreasonable to have fantasies of future milestones like seeing you child score a goal or seeing them sleep in the bedroom that you’ve decorated. My kids are adults and I sometimes have those moments.

It bodes well that they're so excited, and actually it's quite nice to treat an adopted child like a normal child, not someone who is different, or other, or more special than other child. Obviously with an awareness of that child's background and issues.
We were adopted, and actually the feeling of being treated with kid gloves, tiptoed around and regarded and analysed was not nice, it was a very uptight household. Their excitement is lovely, and even biological parents don't know exactly what it's like to be a a parent before the baby arrives. I feel a really choked up reading this. Adopting us just seemed like a massive stress and burden, but they're excited.

There is no way they will have got through the approvals and all the panels being clueless. They are probably just being private. "Selfish and focusing on your career and hobbies" is also the only thing you can do if you find you can't get pregnant naturally. What would have proved otherwise to you?

I think the question you are really asking is: can anyone help me understand why, as someone who is inclined to be judgmental, do my not very close relatives only chose to share superficial and positive information with me and not the kind of in depth and personal details I need to properly assess and conclude on their life choices?

I have 2 sets of friends who have adopted (in the UK) the process is very intense, took years and involved so much thinking/questioning about their own situation, their family backgrounds, their relationships, their emotional health and stability just so much more than I ever had to think about when my DH and I decided to start a family. For that reason I think you may be being unfair.

Maybe they don’t want to come across as negative when they’re talking about it? I’m sure the trauma etc has been discussed with social workers.

Also, I foster, so slightly different but my long term placement of two brothers have definitely enjoyed going on holiday and joining clubs.

it’s best to go with the flow and take the child as they are. Some will have problems with ‘normal’ life but others won’t.

Ultimately this is going to be their child. And it’s up to social workers and a panel of experts to decide if they’re ready for it or not. Stay out of it. If you have children I’m sure you wouldn’t have taken kindly to anyone suggesting you weren’t prepared for them before you had them.

The UK adoption processes is thorough and often arduous, and includes lots of info on attachment, potential problems, etc.

Adoptive parents I know have had mixed experiences (some rough, some surprisingly smooth) but they've all managed sports and holidays. Let them be excited.

People on this thread have huge faith in the vetting process and preparation. Friends adopted in the last couple of years, they got a baby, and they were similar to your in laws and they’ve had a mare as they were blindly optimistic and it’s been extremely difficult. Not the child, but their approach and how clueless they often still are. Like birth parents can be too but they had to go through a process which took ages and they were told things they refused to think further about.

YANBU to worry, YABU to say a word to them especially when you have your own children.

The adoption process is gruelling, they will have had their lives, work, family and financial set up scrutinised by the local authority. I’ve been through the process and it takes nearly 18 months to complete. They will be so much more aware than many biological parents of how it will impact their lives. They will have had to attend training courses etc. I’m sure they know better than you did, if you have children, just what being a parent will entail

Do you actually have the kind of close relationship with you where they would talk about the more challenging side? They may be perfectly aware, but not talking about that stuff with you. With you, their biggest concern will be ensuring that their new child is 100% perceived by you as a full member of the family, and in that situation there's no way I would talk about potential attachment issues with a SIL who might be judgy.

Yeah, it makes total sense to tell everyone that they're fearful of the change, have no idea how they'll cope with trauma, and wonder if they are doing the right thing.

Of course they are excited - they have gone through a gruelling selection procedure and with no guarantee of ever getting this far. What on earth makes you think they should be compalning about the scarier stuff to all and sundry? You are expecting far more over-sharing than would be healthy.

No one knows what parenting the child that comes to us will be like!
Be excited for them and ready to be a doting aunt.
It's nice that they will have you and your DH as support.

The adoption process is long and hard, just because they haven’t publicly spoken about their worries doesn’t mean they don’t have any.

You sound really judgemental and “they don’t realise how much their life will change “they’re talking about taking child on holiday” “they’ve never even looked after a baby over night”

So you mean like every new parent? No one knows what being a parent is like until they have a child.

You can have your opinions but you’re coming across quite high and mighty,

Many people have the exact same attitude about being pregnant and starting a family. They can't know what's it's like - how could they? Of course they are excited. Obviously adoption can bring a whole load of other issues (I have a younger adopted sister and her issues have impacted hugely on our lives on ways we never could have imagined) but they will know of this from the lengthy process.
Just support them as much as you can.

There's no way they've got to the stage of being about to bring a child home without being forced to consider those things.

It will undoubtedly be tough and they may have chosen to be more "normal" about it outwardly, but they'll have definitely been through the mill to get here.

The adoption process is thorough and they have to do all sorts of training and courses about trauma.

Of course they could welcome the child and it be very different from what they are expecting and it could all go horribly wrong but that could happen to anyone. Nothing really prepares you for it until your doing it.

I'd support them anyway you can and hope for the best.