AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

You don’t sound supportive at all.

Let them learn to parent, the same as everyone else does and certainly don’t open your mouth to criticise.

you sound awful OP. you should distance yourself from them so they don’t have to tolerate you any longer.

It sounds like you want them to mess it up.

It’s lovely that they are so excited and entirely normal to be so. They may be keeping their trepidation and concerns to themselves and focusing on the positives. Try to be as positive as them and as time goes on and problems (the normal everyday stuff and things possibly connected with the adoption/passed trauma) come up then you will be there to support them. Ultimately there is a displaced child about to get a home and family that wants them and is excited and thrilled to have them and you get a new niece or nephew. Wish them well and show them how pleased you are for them.

I think most new parents have never cared for another child overnight, I don't think that's unusual.
Also, I agree with the above poster, what do you think they should have been doing before children, apart from working and hobbies? Do you have something in mind for them to be doing?

To be honest, even those of us who have biological children have absolutely no idea how much our lives will change upon their arrival. I think most of us think that the baby will fit in with us, it’s not going to stop us doing what we’ve always done etc etc. It isn’t something that you can learn before it happens.
They will obviously have different issues with an adopted child, attachment issues, separation anxiety and such, but the best thing you can do is support them, without judgement. It’s lovely that they are excited, parenthood is full of joy but is also sheer hard work, just help them where you can.

Agree and it’s so insanely intense I can’t believe they haven’t already been counselled through all of this.

I don’t read anything that stands out to me as a huge red flag, maybe naive, but that’s more likely your narrative than reality.

I think it’s fair to say most people’s first experience of parenting is actually being a parent and you just navigate that.

This is exactly what I was coming on to say. They really, really don’t let you adopt without a very thorough process

I don't see much out of the ordinary in anything you mentioned OP.
Of course they are very much focused on their work and hobbies, what would they be supposed to be focusing on? I had a child very late in life, having tried for decades. Filling my life with work and hobbies is what kept me and my DH alive and happy.
And now that I am a mother I look back and realized how clueless I was on the whole raising a child thing, but I also think this is the case for quite a lot of us surely.
Raising a toddler might be a shock to the system, but at least they are not coming from years of sleep deprivation ha ha.

Give them a chance and be supportive.

I think that's a bit harsh. She's thinking about the best interests of a child she will be related to. I worry about my nieces and nephews all the time, it's part of being a family isn't it.

I think you're right, she's probably missing info. But I don't think worrying is mean.

A bit like every other new parents then , not knowing what they’re in for? did you kids came with an instruction manual? 1 month or 3 yrs old makes no difference if they have patience and love to give, the rest they’ll learn like all of us.
You sound mean and jealous, will the spot light move from you to them by any chance?

Exactly.

I think you are right to be worried based on what you see. And if I were about to adopt, I'd want my extended family to think this way - you're already a protective tiger-auntie which is great, thinking about the child's best interests :-)

However. From what others are saying, they will have gone through a huge amount of preparation. On the balance of probabilities it sounds like they just aren't talking about it. Maybe they feel the need to 'sell' their choice to extended family rather than expose all the things that may be extra hard but without knowing them it's hard to speculate further.

Good luck to them and good luck to you. I don't think you're judgy, I think you're thinking of the best interests of a child. I guess bear in mind though there will be a lot you don't have sight of and in this case I suppose need to trust the process.

Parenting is a shock to anyone's system and it will be to theirs too!

Honestly I think you’re being very unfair and I wonder whether you are a parent yourself here.

I have an 11 month old daughter and when I was pregnant I was terrified of SIDS, I was worried about how I would cope leaving the house on my own with a newborn, I was anxious about newborn sleep & breastfeeding, my husband and I spent a lot of time discussing these things together, coming up with plans and ideas for getting through those anxieties and hurdles. But would my BIL know about that? No. Because I didn’t share my deep worries and anxieties with everybody, so they would have all heard us saying how excited we were for our first family holiday that year, how I couldn’t wait for my first prosecco after birth or how we couldn’t wait to start baby classes.

Unless you live with them and are with them 24:7 you have absolutely no idea what is going on, and nor should you. Mind your own business.

If it's UK it's a long process and all parents don't really have a clue what they are getting into.

But I will say it's probbaly a good thing they are excited.

Every new project my DP and lately IL have to warn us about or piss all over our chips - like we aren't allowed to get excited about things. They frame it as preparing us or being realistic but actaully it just saps at our enthusiasm and frankly that enthusiasm is often needed to get through the snags and the hard bits.

I completely agree. We have two adopted boys & our training was fantastic & prepared us as much as possible for dealing with the issues that may arise. Unfortunately some of my friends training was woefully inadequate & both parents & children have suffered massively. One ended up having to disrupt the adoption due to the husband not being ready. It was obvious to all of us during the whole process that he was not fully committed but he still managed to 'fool' his social work team.
Context is key here. If the couple are talking about going on holiday in the future then of course they should feel excited about that. If they are thinking of taking the child away before they are settled as a family then that's very selfish & ignorant of professional advice & could have a lasting impact.

How often had you looked after a child overnight before you had your own OP?

Honestly, I think this happens more than people realise. Many adopters go into this without their eyes wide open. Yes, there are lots of hoops to jump though and it is a long process but the realities are so different.

I would suggest they do more research and training on trauma, particularly the type of trauma related to the child they are adopting as all children who are adopted have different levels and types of trauma.

It is understandable to be excited about holidays and sports etc I wouldn't worry too much about that. They will have a transition period and they will soon find out LO likes and dislikes and hopefully utilise the knowledge of the foster carer. Also the adoption worker will be visiting them for a good while to make sure all is OK and will guide them and what's best for LO, especially until the final adoption order is granted which can take a while (at the moment seems between 8-12 months post placement).

YANBU to be worried because whilst the adoption process is tough, I've seen people pass who are absolutely clueless and additionally the amount of adoptions breakdowns is on the rise.

They may not take kindly to you giving advise though and hopefully when the transition starts they will realise how hard it will actually be but won't give up and in the end it will work out. There's some great adoption groups on Facebook that they should consider joining and reading info on there.

Maybe they are just openly talking about the positives and want it to be exciting when talking to others, but keep their worries and real feelings between them 🤷‍♀️

Maybe they don’t trust telling you how they really feel 🤷‍♀️

My understanding is adoption is a very long and thorough process, if they weren’t suitable there are experts trained to spot this.

Its absolutely awful you want to piss on their chips over this. Try and be happy for them amd if you can't.
mind your bloody own.

My friends went into the adoption process. One is a child psychologist who works with young offenders, including those who have committed very serious crimes. They pulled out of adopting as they felt they wouldn’t be able to handle it; the social workers were very, very clear that it would be very challenging. My cousin adopted and had to consider every single element of how she and her partner would parent beforehand. They were challenged on every assumption. It was gruelling.

The UK adoption process is vigorous and they will be provided alot more support and information than non-adoptive parents.

The positive things they are looking forward to are what all parents look forward to arent they? We all don't really know how much our life is going to change until it does, we all face different challenges but I personally wouldn't have focused on those when waiting for the arrival of any of my children.

I'm guessing from the comments of 'finally be parents' they have waited along time and been through alot to get to this point. Of course they are going to focus on the positives and not the potentially issues they will have to overcome.

Honestly, they sound absolutely thrilled, which is more than can be said for some biological parents. It will no doubt be tough at times but it's not helpful to agonise in advance. I would say don't rain on their parade!

I suspect that they are more ready than the average parent to be, who is also excited about bringing a baby home with absolutely no appreciation for how their life is about to be turned upside down.

At least adoptive parents will have had lots of vetting and preparatory meetings before their new child arrives. It might be more difficult than a newborn, but no one can ever be really ready for their first child.

People on this thread definitely are assuming the adoption is happening in the UK. Elsewhere in the world it is very possible to adopt without having such a thorough understanding of trauma and attachment theory and so on as is the norm for us. Or it's entirely plausible that the BIL and SIL do know all about these things but are taking a positive, optimistic, forward looking approach to the challenges that undoubtedly they'll face, at least in how they speak to the wider family (might be different amongst themselves). Not everyone/everything has to be hand wringing and doom and gloom, of course no-one knows what lies ahead. Lots of adopted children do have very significant problems both settling with their adoptive family and throughout childhood and beyond, and of course many adoptive parents find it hard, harder than they ever bargained for perhaps but that doesn't mean they're not allowed to be positive, enjoy parenthood overall and/or enjoy things like doing sports together even if other areas are more of a struggle.

They probably do have information about the history of the child they're going to adopt and what they've been through for instance (if in the UK they will), the child may have been through some horrific stuff but one of the hard things about adoption is knowing how much of that to share, even with nearest and dearest, it's the child's own story to tell at the end of the day and you absolutely don't want to be constantly marking them out as different by going on about adoption issues all the time, but then again it can feel dishonest and fake not to. I think I'd tread carefully and take the lead from them OP, if they just want to talk naively about sports or whatever then I'd go along with it. They may want to share more with you or get more support from you further down the line but it's all early days and uncertainty right now so I think you just have to try and restrain yourself for now...