AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

Yes, I imagine they’re consciously being positive about it, aware that there’s an extra layer of scrutiny on parents who adopt. Sometimes people can’t win. If they were realistic and candid, some would worry they’re not going to be positive enough.

Do not mention any of this to them. What business have you telling them they aren't ready???? I hate people who have a few children and think they know absolutely everything there is to know about parenting! Of course they are going to be excited, it would be weird if they weren't. I'm sure there are internal worries they share privately but don't need to or want to voice to the world.

Sounds to me like they haven’t opened up about any of this stuff to you because they have - quite rightly - sensed that you’re not friends beyond being related. What do you expect them to do? Every time they say they’re looking forward to it, counter it with a comment about how the child may be very challenging to raise or have severe trauma? I tell people and relatives I’m not that close to that motherhood is wonderful but I don’t go into the tears I’ve cried at certain points. Especially if I know they’re nosy/critical/gossips.

There’s not a chance they don’t know all this to have got to this point in the process. Good luck to them. They are doing something amazing.

As someone who considered adoption and has long desired for a child, I usually don't like people saying 'none of your business', but in this case, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I am sure that LO will be loved, they won't be perfect parents, but you are not either.

I really hope it goes well for all involved. Obviously we don't know your in-laws and it may be they are trying to be positive publicly. Hopefully they will have done a lot of background work around the impact of trauma. Perhaps you could ask them more about it and see what they have already covered which might reassure you a little.

I do know someone who had a failed adoption. Someone I worked with, and a friend of mine was their neighbour and had tried to support them. It was awful how unprepared they seemed to be for the behaviour the children would display. Lots of defiance and things like taking clothes off on the way to school to delay going in - adoptive parents just wrapped them in a blanket and carried them into school. Presumably thinking the child would learn that the parent 'means business'.They organised a birthday pool party for the 7 year old - the child almost drowned as they had never taken her swimming before and she couldn't swim. Not really knowing how to give them any kind of proper routine and calling my friend to help a lot. Eventually they asked the social worker to remove them. A few hours later they invited my friend round for drinks and a BBQ to 'celebrate'. It felt like the children's departure had been a relief with little consideration for the devastation on the children.
Obviously I hope this doesn't happen in your family, but unfortunately failed adoption does happen.

You’re not wrong OP. I do have an axe to grind here as an adoptee who experienced abuse and I am aware that my experience isn’t universal. But in my view there can never be too much preparation. An eighteen month process isn’t too long.

Pregnancy, birth and the early months start to prepare parents for the reality of child raising. Step by step parents learn that their PFB isn’t quite as perfect as they imagined and the wise ones adjust their expectations and laugh at how unrealistic they were.

Adoptive parents don’t get that gradual build up. Their perfect family image remains intact and deeply embedded. Then they are thrown in at the deep end, often with traumatised children with complex needs. They need every second of that preparation and support - and more besides.

I was adopted age 5 by a couple in their 40’s who hadn’t been able to have their own children but had retained their vision of how perfect it would all be. I was meant to be their happily ever after.

It meant we were set up to fail. I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t meet their knitting catalogue picture of a beautiful well behaved child. They failed - despite good intentions - because they couldn’t cope with me not living up to expectations. They couldn’t understand why hitting me didn’t improve my (very normal childhood) behaviour and we were all miserable.

I can only hope your BIL & SIL do have the support they need and are able to wise up fast.

The adoption process is quite in depth so I would hope that they've been prepared as much as they can be. Have they spoken to other adoptive parents? It would be good to get their insight. I've had a couple of friends who fostered and gave it up because they didn't anticipate all the problems that come with caring for children with complex emotional and behavioural difficulties. It may be that they are aware of the difficulties but are just being positive about it to you because they don't want to discuss their worries.

Yanbu that poor baby has probably been forcibly removed from it's parents and God know what he/she has experienced.

Would you be happier if they approached their forthcoming adoption with a dark sense of foreboding and dread, focussing on the child’s inevitable trauma and nothing else?

Wed never had a newborn overnight by ourselves before either btw - hospital was more than happy to let us take dc1 home with no preparation or checking up on us whatsoever 🤷‍♀️

Isn’t every new parent like this? Very few new parents have had a baby overnight, they are excited and don’t really consider the hard bits.
This is just the same and you sound like you want them to fail so are looking for holes to pick. They are excited as any new parents are regardless of how they got here

Yes, indeed. It is a horrible situation to be in. I have been lucky in that I had no trouble conceiving. In fact, my husband said there were times when he thought I’d get pregnant if he removed his trousers, never mind anything else!
My grandson and partner have been put through it. I suppose it’s a good thing but maybe bits of the waiting time can be a bit more brutal than actually essential. They have even had to take time off work for relevant meetings and visits. Adoption is not for the faint-hearted.

Generally, adoptees would be excited about everything you mention (going on holidays, taking to sports,etc) and that's what they will share with people around.

Imagine them talking only about attachment trauma and challenges...would you not be right here posting "they see only negatives, do they need this?"

It sounds awful doesn’t it as we don’t know OP. But you can tell she’s quite a judgemental person from her post and I would say maybe IRL she gives off that energy, I’m sure the majority do not goes into the gruelling adoption process without having worries or concerns. OP might of been judgemental in the past about other aspects so they keep her and DH out of it now

The adoption process might be thorough, but certainly not perfect. My colleague adopted a few years ago. I was amazed she passed the adoption process as she had a plethora of health issues, including mental and physicaI that i thought would exclude her. Also know two separate families who adopted and went on to surrender the children back into the system a few years after.

I had similar with neighbours. Husband was late 40s, wife mid 40s. She worked for theatres in an artistic role. Lots of travel. He worked in finance. Couldn’t have children of their own. Adopted an 8yo girl from Rwanda (we are not in the UK). In the weeks and months before they went to collect her in Frankfurt, there was the odd thing they’d say here and there that would set off alarm bells. But I thought it was none of my business, these are two very smart people, surely they’ve been vetted etc (I don’t know anything about adoption).

Girl arrived, very sweet but quiet young thing. They got her into school straight away, and she seemed to settle well. After about a month or so I invited them over for tea (my DD was only a couple of years older at the time). Mum was away for work, dad brought her down. Children playing. He and I chatting about how things are going. He started asking me about sleepaway camp. For that summer (this was May). For three months. In another state. The mom would be away on a 6-month residency. He had lots of work travel coming up. They didn’t know what to do. To say I was shocked was an understatement. She was 8, had just arrived from Rwanda, had been there a month and now her responsible adults were going to send her to sleepaway camp for three months God knows where all alone. At 8yo.

We moved that summer, I’ve bumped into them occasionally. The child has grown well, she seems attached to them and they holiday together, do lots of activities together. But this couple’s idea of parenting was so different from my own I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I’ve no doubt she has all the things (including stability and safety) she hadn’t had before. But at what cost, I always asked myself. It would be difficult to decide what, of all her issues (and there will be plenty going by what the dad has told me over the years) is down to the what happened before her adoption, adoption, and her family life after adoption. My conclusion is that if parenting is hard, adoption must be so, so much harder.

Yup - I think SIL and BIL know exactly what OP thinks and she isn’t part of their inner circle. Hence they aren’t sharing the more intimate details.

It sounds like you aren't part of their circle tbh. I doubt they feel close enough to you for serious talks about their worries and as such you only manage to catch snippets of positive small talk.
I'd keep my nose out and look at why I felt the need to post this.

No one knows what it's really like until it happens to them.
Why don't you support them ? Hopefully they'll adapt. You sound awful OP.

I have biological children and I didn't have a clue what I was in for. I don't think that's unusual. I also don't think it's unusual for people to talk about their hopes and the things they enjoy. They probably do have worries. They probably are just so grateful to have a child they aren't talking to everyone about every thing that will be difficult. They will get the full range of kid experiences soon enough. Keep your thoughts to yourself. What will condescendingly telling them all the negatives of their situation achieve? You must have come across those absolute pricks who only want to tell you about their traumatic births and sleepless nights when you are pregnant. You know how that makes you feel. Don't be the adoption version of that.

How sad that people knew the husband wasn’t ready but nobody was able to flag it to the social workers.

Crazy! I’d never looked after a child overnight and the day after I gave birth the hospital let me take a newborn baby home with no checks on my ability to anything other than bathe it.

It's really none of your business, and I think you realise this.

Mumsnet will back me up on this. You are a nasty person.

Yes, it'll be hard - and when they realise, you'll be there to help them through it, no?

Babies are easier than toddlers btw (mine were colic too) so I have no idea why you said " never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo"

I don't know their background but they're clearly serious about getting this child, and that deserves praise, support and thanks, nothing else

People have no idea what it’s like if you can’t conceive your own child. For IVF the amount of forms to fill and assessments is huge and for adopting it’s even more!

The adoption process is brutal. They'll have been through the issues. Stay in your lane and be supportive