AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

Perhaps they don’t want to focus on the challenges that they will probably be aware of.
but even with biological children can come different challenges but it’s normal to feel excited and look at all the good things to come.

I suspect it's this.

Though do know three adoptive families and yes it does look a lot harder than most parenting - but I be more worried if they were not excited didn't have things they were looking forward to. There's more than a few things I was looking foward to which I hated and others that I never though of that I loved. I expect with time like all parents their priorities will change and they will adapt to their kids and what their needs turn out to be and like most parents the learning curve may well be a steep one.

I think you still need to be vetted by an adoption agency/LA to adopt internationally, and you have to pay for it yourself,

No one realt knows what to expect when they become a parent for the first time
however it happens.

It sounds like your BIL and SIL have the same excitement, hopes and dreams as anyone else about to welcome a child.

Let them enjoy it.

Sorry but what do you think they have done - just opened an app and ordered a child like a Deliveroo? That’s not how it works. The adoption process is a long, gruelling, emotional rollercoaster. They would have have many different people speaking and advising them. Don’t be ridiculous.

This.

International adoption is an entirely different ball game, it is highly controversial and in no way compares to the situation described by the OP.

I know one couple who adopted. How the fuck they managed it I have no idea. I only know them in a professional capacity but that's enough to make me question the process of being selected. Seems nice house, cars and money in the bank top personality.

I was going to suggest that op focuses more positively on enquiring how adoption services will support them post-adoption. Things like mental health support in light of likely attachment disorder and trauma, diagnosis for neurodivergence as the child gets older etc. My experience is that support falls away pretty quickly, leaving adoptive parents on their own. So in some ways I read the op and did a massive eye roll (because it sounds gossipy and full of assumptions) but in other ways, it is spot on - the reality is that adoption is challenging and many aren't prepared for it. That's not to be negative, it's just fact. But rather than focus on the perceived shortcomings of the parents, better to focus on what kind of access to additional support they may (or may not) have in the future.

I have always thought that adoption was literally saving a child's life - taking them literally from a hellhole - is it not? In that case, who cares they have not thought things through - they are committing a heroic deed in many people's eyes and as such they are not selfish. Surely they are not stupid and realise that a child will put an end to their selfish pursuits, that they will have to put the child's needs first? Or do you think they will dump it back from where they took it? Is that your concern? If yes, than it is a huge problem and you are right to be concerned, if it is not even a remote possibility, then the rest is literally nothing compared to this wonderful thing they are doing.

From friends who have been through the adoption vetting process, both successfully and not, it's a long tough process.
They won't be unaware of the challenges - maybe they just prefer not to discuss them with you?

Probably better prepared than many bio parents.
I wish them well, even if the OP doesn't

Totally agree with this.

You sound snide, OP. I'm not surprised that you're not privy to their feelings about this incredibly sensitive issue. I hope they continue to keep you well out of the loop, you'd probably only post about it here. Ugh.

I'm not at all surprised that you've name-changed though; can't risk your other persona being judged for this horrible thread, can you? Cowardly.

I think you should butt out and do not for one second rain on their parade!

They will have been through so much to get to this point. They will figure things out as they go along, same as you did! None of us were born with an innate knowledge of being a parent!

This is a really good point. Lots of bio parents go into it and then are thrown loads of curve balls - health issues, emotional issues, disabilities.

@RegularBandicoot you’re not on the adoption panel so your thoughts are irrelevant.

I know of a couple who adopted a little girl and the adoption failed and they ended up giving her back. Apparently because she didn't get on with their biological child. I was shocked that they hadn't considered there might be issues such as this and that they gave up on her. Poor child. I hope she's ok

This!

They’ve not had children so why wouldn’t they be career focused up until now?

I’d keep well away from them, you clearly think l you’re a better parent than they’re going to be.

When DH and I went through the process to adopt there was lots of trauma discussion which we knew about anyway due to various circumstances in our own family lives and the social workers made us aware it wasn’t going to be a pleasant parenting journey, it was about the traumatised child and parenting in a way that could help them settle into a healthy family dynamic. We were also constantly reminded the potential child placed with us will likely have additional needs due to most parents of removed children having mh/send/addiction issues. I actually fell pregnant during the process so stopped it, but in no way did our SW even make it seem as though we would have been just parents, we’d have been trauma specialist parents.
Maybe SiL and BiL don’t want to only discuss the negatives? Maybe they need to feel some joy will arise with the massive commitment

It's not just adoptive parents who can be clueless- my DH def declared things like our lives wouldn't change and he'd just pop a nappy in his pocket and off we'd go.

It didn't take long for him to be able to laugh at that very thought-
(an early trip to IKEA when we had so much baby paraphernalia that there was very little room in the car to actually buy anything was a real eye opener) 😂

Before you had your children did you talk about all the prospective sleepless nights, feeding issues, post partum blues, potty training? I didn’t. You talk about your worries to you partner, and keep the light stuff for friends and family. What’s wrong with looking forward to taking your child on holiday. Sounds much healthier starting out on an optimistic note, rather than doom and gloom. I am sure they’re thoroughly prepared.

You seem very unsupportive.

They will have been closely scrutinised and jumped through hoops so should have a good idea of the score, though nobody really knows until they experience it. People don't discuss all, op, even with those closest to them, they want to present themselves to you as confident and happy.

You just have to accept it as it is. They will probably be fine, wait and see.

Bloody hell, OP, you are being incredibly unreasonable.

To have got through the vetting process, they will have to have properly informed themselves, and will know much more about it than you do.

Perhaps they just don't share their innermost thoughts about the adoption with you, because you're interfering and judgemental.

If they've been through the long process of getting approved for adoption, potentially after a long process of trying and failing to have their own biological children, they have been waiting for this moment for a very long time. Of course they've been focusing on their careers and hobbies! What else would you expect them to do during those years? Go part time and spend two days a week decorating the nursery, washing and folding baby clothes and reading parenting books in the hope that it would one day come in useful?

Jeez.

Well, if they aren't prepared, they'll be in for a rough period of adjustment, but that doesn't mean it can't work out for them and the child they're adopting. You may not be able to help having an opinion, but you should continue to keep it to yourself.

I’m pretty sure that in the UK the process involves social workers talking to family members. Did they talk to you OP?

Perhaps they don’t want to focus on the challenges that they will probably be aware of.
but even with biological children can come different challenges but it’s normal to feel excited and look at all the good things to come.
or they maybe just don’t want to talk about certain aspects with other people. That’s ok too.
when I was pregnant my DH kept reminding me of the financial struggles to come and I didn’t want to talk about because talking about it would make no difference other than worry me. So I just focus led on the positive (and we are nearly at funded nursery hours hooray!)

All the people saying 'oh but I'd never looked after a child before I had mine, why should it be an issue for adoptive parents' , thank you for the intent, I appreciate you treating adoptive parents as equals, but actually it is quite a lot different. There's a good reason why in the UK you will struggle to get approved as an adopter without at least some childcare experience. Some social workers are incredibly stringent and won't let qualified childcare professionals or teachers pass that requirement without gaining broader experience ideally with the age range of child you're hoping to adopt. What I'm about to say is not to minimise the experience and struggles of first time biological parents, I know it's incredibly hard in its own way, the physical impact of pregnancy and giving birth, hormones, breastfeeding and so on but there's a world of difference from bringing home a tiny, helpless baby who's physical and emotional needs are at least fairly easy to understand and where (all being well) all your natural hormones and emotional instincts are guiding you to love and protect the child, where at least half the couple has had 9 months to build a bond with the child, and where the sounds, smells etc of the mother are familiar and a comfort to the baby, than adopting someone else's toddler who you likely won't love or perhaps even like much or have much of a bond with, where you probably have met them a few times max, where they have complicated and unfamiliar preferences and needs regarding routine, food, sleep, bathing etc all based off someone else's routines and expectations, and where they are quite capable and likely to physically/verbally reject you and your care and run away, scream, bite, throw things etc. That's before you consider all the emotional turmoil everyone will be going through particularly the child. And I know not everyone gets this but it's socially quite normal for families and friends to rally around to help care for a newborn, hold the baby, bath the baby, change their nappy etc, and to be able to help teach the parents what to do if they're unsure. Whereas with an adoptive child you are quite strongly encouraged not to let anyone else physically care for them (because otherwise they can get confused if they've experienced multiple carer changes) and to 'funnel' i.e. limit interactions outside the nuclear family to build attachment.

All of this means it really is a good idea to try and understand as much as possible beforehand what you're letting yourself in for and get as much childcare experience and knowledge if you're going to adopt, rather than muddling through as you go like you would with a biological child and why some social workers can go a bit OTT in their expectations. That being said its not usually an expectation that people care for children overnight (not everyone has family/friends with children of an appropriate age that they can babysit) and like others have pointed out there are social workers that are very lax and may wave people through without enough experience but that doesn't mean it's not a valid concern.