AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

I’d be a bit concerned if they were worrying about all the challenges ahead rather than the joy of a new addition. Of course it will be hard but they are doing this because they want a child to love and are willing to take on the responsibility of raising that child.

The 'primal wound'? I'm afraid I don't buy into that theory, and indeed I see the folly for the children of parents who do. Confusing and complex messages about adoption and tummy mummies fed to toddlers on a daily basis, instead of letting them catch their breath and embrace their new family. And they wonder why they have an increasingly conflicted child? The road to hell is paved with good intentions, eh...

Contrary to popular belief, there are still many children in the under 2 age range (babies) who have been in foster since birth, with no background of drugs/alcohol (poverty ergo neglect, poor education, intellect - families well known to their local authority, among other reasons). These children do not present in the same way as a 6 year old who has been repeatedly, and unsuccessfully, rehabed back to their birth family.

They’re not telling you about their worries for all the reasons people have flagged on this thread. And to avoid some of the posts seen on this thread, too — ‘Aren’t you heroic, snatching a child from the jaws of hell?’ and the ‘I know a couple who disrupted their adoption’, ‘Adopted children are ALL DAMAGED’ and ‘My adoptive parents mistreated me’ ones etc.

Assuming they’re adopting now, in the UK, they will have been through a process which overwhelmingly focuses on negatives, for understandable reasons. They’ll have read The Primal Wound, they’ll be well aware that adoption involves trauma, and that the child has had a life before them with birth parents and fosterers, and they’ll have had to consider questions most of us have never had to think about — ‘Would you consider a child conceived as a result of rape?’ ‘Would you consider a child with x intellectual disability?’ A child who was exposed to alcohol to a degree we can’t determine in utero? Etc.

It’s hardly surprising that they’re choosing to focus on excitement in your company.

I don’t know if there is a drip feed coming, but otherwise it sounds like you are being a bit harsh. We are all naive when we first become parents aren’t we? The reality pretty quickly makes itself known. Obviously a two year old who is being adopted is a different situation and it is possibly of concern if they are minimizing that, but they may just be trying to positive when speaking to others. They aren’t going to sit around at this stage saying how terrible it’s all going to be. I think unless there is a lot more to this than you have said then you should let them get on with it. Give the child and them the best chance by being non judgmental but ready to step in and support wherever it might be needed.

If the OP is indeed being truthful then of course it's very concerning and her business. The LA usually get references from close family, so I'm surprised the OP hasn't been asked to give her opinion already.

I think posters saying the OP is judgemental actually have no idea.
What I saw was a list kf things she found unsettling. Which, let’s be honest,Nate all fair comments.

Now it might that they dint want to talk about their worries with the OP and keep it breezy.

They might have been burnt out with other people getting ‘compassion fatigue’ and have decided to not talk to ANYONE about their worries, just their hopes.

It might be that they are utterly naive, like most parents to be. Many parents will have said the exact same thing than those soon to be parents.

It might be that the training/evaluation process wasnt that good. And actually they aren’t ready.

There is nothing imo in the OP that points more towards one thing more than the other.
Everything else is just speculation. Which MN can be very good at as well as being extremely judgemental towards posters (and yes the hypocrisy about being judgemental about something you think is judgemental hasn’t escaped me).

OP you are quite right. I was chatting to a woman who fosters (not quite the same I know) and she said something similar about couples coming into the training course and it's all about THEM. They said kids are resilient but it's clear they are not resilient and expect this picture perfect, fully rounded grateful child that they want to spoil.

They don't consider the extra challenges this child has faced and trauma they will be carrying.

However in your case, I'd suggest keeping my mouth firmly closed on this matter however frustrated you feel.

The reality is, most new parents don't have a clue how to be parents until they are parents especially if additional needs come into play. But they figure it out and so will your relatives.

Congratulations and I wish all of you all the best.

It is very much expected/anticipated that any LAC will have some sort of manifestation of trauma. At the very least, separation from the birth mother and then foster carer(s). Most have also experienced neglect/abuse/ and many also substance abuse and DV.

I think the OP is hoping they'll have problems, OMG, they've not read a book(!), and then her opinions are validated.
I don't think people now realise that the baby money-making industry didn't used to exist, I do inwardly laugh at things like sleep consultants etc.. I had two children, never read a book about being pregnant, rearing babies etc., never asked others for their unqualified opinions eg MN, did what felt right having never even touched a baby before, not even seen a nappy being changed and they both survived.
Maybe give them a chance, the qualified people, ie the adoption authorities, trust them and that's the opinion which matters.

I don't know OP, you might be right in your instincts. I have known hundreds of adopters and there are a high percentage who do the training, say all the right things and seem like model adopters...then they hit rocks on the road and it turns out they never believed it would happen to them, they thought it just happened to other people and they would somehow be different. They just wanted to be parents and it was a means to an end. But of course they knew better than to tell the assessing social workers that.
All the therapeutic parenting and life story sharing they said they would do never happens. When the child comes home they just want to act like the whole adoption and child's other backstory never existed.
They never read the paper work properly so when a child does X and you suggest Y is the cause they say "we never knew Y happened! No one told us!" When it's mentioned throughout the documents.
They agree to contact plans they have no intention of doing.
I've had adopters asking about a child's background and come out with "is it just neglect?" And they are approved adopters.
Hopefully OP your BIL and SIL are not like those adopters, and the majority are not, have their eyes as open as they can and the right intentions.

They need to be excited and they should be. Adopted children are more than their backgrounds and seeing their positives is great. The good moments are what will see them through the storms.

What a horrible post 😔

How would you have felt to know your family were talking about you in this way, prior to you becoming a parent? Judging your ability.

Only they will know the full background of their child, and it's not true to say that ALL adopted children present with trauma (a lot of this stuff is theory, asserted in an 'err on the side of caution' fashion). I happen to think their approach is the best one. Yes be prepared for challenge, however defining a child by their adoptive status is asking for trouble.
Ultimately, none of it is any of your business whatsoever. Wish them well, and concentrate on your own parenting.

OP, you sound completely unhinged as well as a bit spiteful & resentful.

These things all sound completely normal, how incredible that they're adopting, good on them!! They haven't got experience because they haven't got children, what do you expect them to do, rent a toddler for a couple of weeks to trial it first?

Let the social workers investigate if they're ready, your job is to provide moral support where/if needed to them

Of course you should keep your mouth shut! It’s absolutely none of your business, it would be a massive overstep.

How do you know what conversations they’ve had between themselves, and with the officials dealing with the adoption? You don’t. Why would they need to share this with you? It’s not your concern, and your opinion has no significance.

I agree with you; a lot of adoptions break down, and the kids end back in the care system. These are the children most likely to end up in secure units and whose life chances are really really poor. Plus, the idea of being excited about a toddler suffering such huge trauma is very distasteful; it's a bit like rejoicing over a donor organ without even thinking about the person who died.

This is so incredibly naive, and very Christian missionary-esque. Of course prospective adopters have to have "thought things through"! And adoption is not "heroic" either, people with this attitude will not be approved to be adoptive parents. Adoptions do sadly break down (where the child is 'given back'), which is why it the approval process in the UK is very arduous and usually involves getting references from family members, ex partners and so on. There should be a lot of reading around the trauma and attachment issues that are very part and parcel of a child who has been through the care system experiences.

Adopter here. You are right, but realistically it will play out in one of two ways:

• They will soon learn they're wrong and will adapt (become trauma informed, learn how to parent therapeutically etc.)
• They will soon learn they're wrong and the adoption will break down (hopefully not this option!)

See it's really sweet you think this way, but no. Adopting isn't heroic, really. There is in fact a substantial over-supply of adoptive parents compared to children needing to be adopted (particularly 'straight-forward' babies or young toddlers without known disabilities or SN. There are some shortages of adopters able to take on older children, those with significant SN and from some minority cultural/religious/ethnic backgrounds). So while yes that child may have been through a huge amount you aren't literally rescuing them from a hellhole, by the time they are 'placed' with adopters any rescuing has long been done, they've normally been with very skilled, loving foster parents for some months or even years by that point (foster parents are more heroic IMO). Adopters going into the process purely altursically, with the intention of 'saving' a child are rightly looked on with suspicion by social workers because it can set up really unhelpful expectations of gratitude from the child, saviour/victim dynamic, demonisation of the birth parents (with subsequent identity issues for the child) and all sorts of other emotional problems. Plus I think there's been a social and legal work move away from the strategy to get as many children as possible adopted and an increasing realization that even if children can't safely be cared for within their birth family adoption is not always the right thing, it's not a hellhole awful/adoption perfect assessment, there may be significant advantages in staying in foster care or extended family care.

It's perfectly possible, nay likely that this couple's main motivations are selfish, i.e. mainly they want to be parents. If all you want to do is help vulnerable kids there are better ways to do that than adopting. Besides very few people are alturistic and heroic enough to give up most of their lives for 18 years or more to be parents without at least getting some pleasure and satisfaction back, i.e. The pure joy and love of parenthood. I guess what OP is concerned about is whether this couple have maybe either overestimated the upsides of parenthood or underestimated the downsides?

Ah yes. As an adoptee I should be grateful for the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my “heroic” adoptive parents.

Most parents, both biological and adoptive have children for reasons which if examined honestly, are quite selfish. I’m fine with this as it helps the human race to continue, but I sincerely hope that social workers are able to weed out prospective adopters with a hero complex.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home”
Almost all parents say exactly this!!

which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? \
and this bit - parents have kids because parents want them, they also don’t actually think about their child’s feelings of being forced out into this world. It’s all about the wants of the parents.

YABU.

Out of interest, OP, whose approval did you seek before getting pregnant?

The adoption process isn't easy and they must have been matched to the child so I can't imagine that they won't be aware of the reality of adoption. Perhaps they are downplaying it when they talk to you

I think you are coming across very judgemental here. Most new parents have not looked after a child over night and are sent home from hospital with a tiny baby to care for!
The adoption process is intense and also very rigorous. They will know all about trauma and will have been heavily vetted for suitability. They are clearly chosing to focus on their excitement at becoming parents rather than focussing about the complexities and potential issues that may come up. I also imagine how they are talking to freinds and family may be different to how they are discussing it within their relationship- which is totally normal!
They have been through a lot to get here and they deserve to feel some excitement and happiness so leave them too it!

Err this. No one truly knows what it's going to be like before you have children.

Totally get where you are coming from and obviously with your extensive experience of adoption than you know best. Oh wait, there's no mention of that in your post so you most likely don't. Plus there is quite a thorough adoption process to be followed, it's not as if they just put their names down on a waiting list. Maybe they don't want to go into the finer points of it all with you and lm sure have their own research informed plan, rather than detailing it with Miss Judgey.