AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

8 pages and OP has not been back. Have we been had?

My dsis adopted a few years back.

The vetting and education process around adoption is pretty intense and covers everything you have mentioned and a lot more, they will know exactly what they are getting into.

What they might not want to do, or have reasons why they do not want to, share that with you.

Your job is to support them, not judge them.

You sound so judgmental.

What you have written about them you could have written about every expectant parent ever. Totally normal things to say.

Why should they share their worries with you? Of course they will be thinking about the hard side but they dont owe you their thoughts. Glad you are not my sibling.

You sound very judgey OP. As PPs have said, the process to adopt is a minefield of hoop jumping.
It’s lovely to hear how excited they are. New parents never know what’s in store but they’ll soon find out!
How about you listen to your DH. Talk to them and be supportive and not critical. I’m also wondering if you are jealous of them?

TBH you lost me at "wanna" & "gotta" but I strongly feel this is none of your business.

They will have jumped through many hoops to get to this point and will be supported way more than any other non-adoptive parents. Also don't believe the image they are portraying to the outside world.

Some people surprise you, they can seem totally unsuited to parenthood and then just take to it brilliantly. Let’s hope that happens!

I think the thing with birthed children is that we are able to learn along with them. Tiny babies actual needs are mostly straightforward - if terrifying - when you are new to it. A toddler or older child with language and experiences is a very different situation. It’s not enough to muddle through. The child needs adults that can cope straight away.

Having been through the rigorous adopting vetting process they are presumably far more prepared for the challenges of parenting than the average parent. Be supportive!!

Does anyone know what being a parent entails before they have their DC? Isn’t everyone excited to welcome their Leo’s to the world. Why should this be different for them?

This exactly. It could be that they're of course nervous and apprehensive of the difficulties that might be coming their way and are instead focussing on the end goal of a happy family.

Just as with social media, you don't know the discussions and conversations that go on behind closed doors.

Lots of people don’t really get what they’re in for until baby is born. I think I understand your worries, but let them enjoy the process, and hopefully they will get with the program once the child is there. You can be the lovely and helpful aunt!

It's exactly the same as me saying I'm looking forward to going in holiday. I'll talk about the sights I want to see and all the plans I have on places to visit. It doesn't mean I don't understand the boring stuff like getting through security and passport control, avoiding getting mugged and how painful it'll be when I get ridiculously sunburnt on the first day.

Credit then with a bit of nouse and show enthusiasm and support too.

When most people give birth to a baby it doesn’t just slot in with their lives, our lives are reshapes around our children. So, yes it will be harder than expected, and maybe even a shock to the system but that will be the same as anyone else who has children and so I don’t think that necessarily means they aren’t ready.

This!

Most of us are relatively clueless about parenting until we become parents. I was relatively clueless until my twins were born, and my DH too, and we’re all fine (and thriving). I’m excited for them to be approved! We all pick it up as we go along.

All of your concerns are absolutely spot on, but really you just need to be as supportive as you can right now. They’re going to need that support if/when the reality hits.
They will be going through a very thorough process, so leave it to the professionals to identify and deal with their naivety.

I don't know, maybe I can say this as an adopter where others can't but I think OP's getting a bit of a needlessly hard time / flaming on here from posters who seem to (naively perhaps) have every faith that the UK adoption system couldn't possibly allow a hopelessly under-prepared and blase couple to be unsuitably matched with a traumatised child they don't have the capability to parent and it all end horribly. Sadly I have seen exactly this happen too often, sometimes it all works out OK in the end, but more by luck than judgement and the stakes are way too high IMO to trust to blind luck.

The thing is where you have humans (both prospective parents and social workers) involved in all their glorious messiness and laziness and selfishness and stupidity, bad decisions do sometimes get made even where there are good intentions. The only adoption disruption I have personally heard of in my circle was horribly forseeable in hindsight, the adopters were a lovely sweet couple but the woman was terribly highly strung and fraught from their extensive fertility struggles and had hugely high expectations of herself and how she would be as a mother (the man was more passive and I suspect not that fussed about being parent, moreso needed his wife to have a child and really sad/angry about his inability to do that the normal way but not really able and willing to step up to do much actual parenting) - they were the gold star couple in the social worker's eyes, the woman had read every manual and trauma book and journal article going, could virtually recite the textbook at you about attachment theory and restorative parenting and they said all the right things doubtless in their assessments, she was totally convinced she was going to do everything perfectly and everything would be perfect, he thought everything would be fine just so long as they got a child, any child - the child they were matched with was presented to them as very easy and low risk, only a bit older than average for adoption and needing love and good boundaries, well there can only have some piss poor lazy social work there because that poor child absolutely was not ready or suited in any way to live in a traditional family set-up or to be adopted at all probably, or certainly not with as tightly wound and rigid a mother or unbothered/distant a father as they got. It all went disastrously wrong, car crash of a situation, broke up their marriage as well as disrupting the adoption and yet apparently no-one had seen it coming or did anything to prevent it (and it would have been easily preventable), well some of us that knew them did wonder but no-one felt it was their place to say anything. I do wonder if that couple's family or close friends must have had their doubts and yet of course the clear message here and elsewhere is mind your own business, don't get involved. I do think by the time they're approved and matched with a child is probably way too late but is it helpful to assume any relative with any doubts at all is evil and controlling and interfering, I don't know?

Well you just sound jealous there allowed to be happy 😊

I’m an adoptive parent. Months and months of the intrusive and stressful assessment period, and the mandatory training, made me quite aware of potential issues. I was also a giddy kipper when my LO was due to come home. I was excited about all the things that birth parents are excited about. I was also scared and worried but I didn’t share that with anyone beyond DH and my social worker.
Let them be excited and join in with them. Why wouldn’t you? It would be much stranger if they weren’t excited. Your post says far more about you than them.

And for what it’s worth, my child is wonderful and thriving and our lives are not really different to anyone else’s.

The similarity is in the apprehension from existing parents that adoptive parents aren’t aware of the challenges ahead of them, exactly what the OP is about. I make no judgement about that. I’m just noting the apprehension.

Nobody is prepared to become a parent so they are no different to anyone else! 🙃

YABU- my best friend adopted and she had to jump through hoops. They didn’t just hand her a baby.

Do you want them to go into this in a negative headspace? I’m sure they are more than aware of all of the challenges this will bring, and have privately discussed this together. That doesn’t mean they can’t express their excitement at having a child? Weird thread.

I would hope they’ve been thoroughly vetted and have been counselled by social services on how hard it can be to raise a child you’re not bonded with, and often who will have attachment and behavioural issues.

The poor child will need a lot of love, time, respect and most importantly patience. Please take a close interest and be an involved Aunt.

Politely I think you need to keep your mouth shut and opinions to yourself.
It will be a learning curve for both them and the child to settle in to their new routine and get to know each other

They'll have to have jumped through a gazillion hoops to get to this stage! I'm sure they're giving you the glossy "we're thrilled!" face, but are bricking it inside.

A good friend from teaching has just embarked on this process recently. She's been teaching primary school for yonks, but they got turned down at first because her husband didn't have enough experience with babies... Isn't pretty much everyone inexperienced with babies to start with!?

They don't give little kids to just anyone.

I think this is a case of MYOB.