AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

That’s a patronising post. I think most would be adoptive parents do understand that, that adoption is not there to provide would be parents with a child a child but to provide a home for a child that needs one. Infertility doesn’t prevent you from understanding that,or from going into adoption with a realistic view of what’s involved. Infertility doesn’t make you stupid.

But realistically lots of children adopted are adopted because of infertility. I think most adoption processes want you to have stopped trying for a while so you are not just jumping into adopting straight from infertility and have had time to process it. But any form of parenting isn't just Instagram moments and you can have birth children with issues as well. Surely adoptive parents will have had to go through such a stringent process that in lots of ways they are more prepared.

It just seems unfair that people who struggle to have biological children are told "just adopt" when it's a) (rightly) very tricky b) they are now being told oh your just doing it to heal from infertility.

Not really. The thread isn’t going their way, is it? I’m enjoying the discussion, though, personally.

Zero replies from OP, interesting

You do but given the child is already placed with the family prior to the adoption order being applied for they are often seen as a fait acompli by the social workers tasked with doing the assessment.

I think a key point isn’t about their potential to be good or bad parents, it’s understanding that it isn’t the role of an already traumatised child to heal the pain of infertility. The preparation given to adopted parents is to try to prevent some of the unrealistic expectations. The excitement is completely understandable, but it needs to come with a realistic appreciation that it won’t all be instagram moments.

There are so many children in the system who don't have loving and secure homes to go to and I think it's wonderful what they're doing and it's a shame you are being pessimistic about it. The likelihood is that they're able to offer a much better life than this child would have otherwise experienced.

It's also commendable and normal that they're adopting a toddler as there are only so many babies in the system and many older children end up permanently in children's homes (which are often not nice).

Yes it'll be hard but I'm sure they will have been briefed about potential challenges and prepped for this as part of the vetting.

It’s awful isn’t it. It’s like not being able to have your own children means you will be a crap parent of any kind.

I know someone who adopted a 2 yr old back in the late 60s. In those days, no consideration was taken of the child's feelings. (In those days, the adoption agency actually advertised 'hard to place' children in the newspapers. The child concerned actually now has the newspaper clipping with his advert.)

Their little boy had been with his foster parents almost since birth. When they took the little boy away from the adoption agency, I'm told that he cried the entire 100 mile car journey. He has no memory of it now.

Somehow, the foster parents got hold of their address. When the little boy was 7, they turned up at the adoptive parents home and begged to see the little boy.

As a grown man, he has a memory of them taking him for an ice cream and then back home. He didn't know who they were. They never saw him again.

I'm fairly certain that the trauma around his adoption has affected him, but he's never had counselling.

I hope that the adoption process nowadays includes follow-ups.

ETA Sorry - accidentally quoted.

Omg all those people who have fertility issues and are told "just adopt" and then go through all the rigor of adopting and are judged anyway!?

I have loads of friends who are going to have a huge shock when they have kids. I'm sure they will be great parents though.

People sometimes talk about the exciting things to soother their own fears. Many new parents now have never looked after a baby overnight and some have never even changed a nappy. Adoptive parents are better prepared than many new parents who wont have gone through the same process.

Try to support them as you would any other new parent. Be there to play with the toddler so they get time for a shower, take them a home cooked meal, buy them a book about toddler life.

What good could you saying anything possibly do? Do you think they’re going to say "Oh dear, so there might be a lot more problems than we had realised, we won’t adopt the children after all"? Is that what you really want?

They are probably just putting on a positive front and keeping their fingers crossed. If they live in the UK they will have had an enormous amount of scrutiny and training.

Mind your own business. Of course, if they actually ask for help or advice that’s different.

I am adopted and so was my late DB. I have had a wonderful childhood and upbringing, and couldn't have wished for better parents. I'm so sorry you have had a different and difficult time with your adoptive parents, thar must be hard to deal with 😢

Adoptive parents have to deal with so much - and all the worry, anticipation, vetting, analysis by social workers, and the arduous wait to take the child home must be very trying to say the least, and moreso if the child is very unwell or has been through trauma.

I can absolutely understand why some adoptive parents are very protective, and possibly not as laid back as they could be. I know that my parents were very loving, but equally very overprotective as I was born 3 months prematurely and was weaned off heroin, so I can see how that would make anyone feel terrified about their precious much-wanted child.

I agree that it's really lovely how the OP's DB and SILS are so excited. Let them be. This is a wonderful life changing time and they deserve to cherish it.

You sound extremely judgemental.

The majority of new parents go into parenthood saying they can’t wait for their new arrival and with rose tinted glasses on only to be met with tough times and things not looking quite how they thought.

It doesn’t make anyone a bad parent or not ready for it, it just means you can’t really know completely what it’s like to be a parent until you are one.

They could be just being positive in front of other people.

I did that. I know it's not the same but my 4th baby had a medical condition picked up at the 20 week scan. I had so many negative comments and I would get so cross with anyone who said to me it was going to be hard.

just because they are sharing the positives with you doesn’t mean they haven’t thought about the hard stuff. Why do you want to bring them down? No parent ever knows how things are going to pan out but if everyone feared the worst far less people would have babies. Enjoy the experience with them and be there to support if they need it.

I think it’s great that they’re excited / enthusiastic.

Sounds like they want to give their child a good life.

Nobody has any idea when they first have a baby.

Being a toddler, it’s different, but they’ll have support.

have only read page 1: butt out op.
Do not yuk on their yum as the internet puts it these days.

Would you be as critical of their preparedness if this was a pregnancy they were going through? Just because they're excited and happy doesn't mean they haven't considered the potential pitfalls. Have you planned how you will support and help the new family?

The problem is that this kind of comment demonstrates the total lack of understanding people have of the breadth and complexity of parenting experiences. Kids aren’t separated into “damaged adoptees” and “totally fine”. Children are born with complex health needs and disabilities. Families have all kinds of challenges. Not everyone gets a “mostly straightforward” newborn. And yes, those of us whose kids have complex needs also have to muddle through.

In an ideal world yes. But you will never find adopters who are perfectly cut out to cope with all and anything from day one.

Sadly, even kids who need adopting are not owed “perfect parents”.

Maybe OP would prefer we went back to the days of kids being dumped in an orpanage or with a bunch of nuns or priests to spare this child the ordeal of being raised by her family.

As others have said, theyre like everyone looking forward to a first child day dreaming of the good things, and like everyone else will get their dose of hard reality when they begin parenting 😅 the difference is they, as adopters, will have lots of support as will the child, and they'll have been vetted. Let them look forward to the things everyone else does.

Come on, it’s fine for them to be excited about holiday with her adopted child. Yes, it will be hard. I’m an adoptive mum with 2 DDs of 16 and 13 and we’re going through a very difficult time right now. (I’ve spoken about this on another thread.) But we’ve had some wonderful holidays over the years, and we’ll hopefully be in a place to go on holiday again this summer.

They will need your support in the future, as some things will come as a shock. But for the moment, surely it would be better to just share their joy? Because it really is an exciting time, especially when they’ve been through years of disappointment and then a gruelling adoption process.

Honestly, you come across so badly in this post. You sound almost jealous, very judgemental and like the worst type of “just wait” parent trying to ruin people’s enjoyment and anticipation.

Yes, adoption is hard. Parenting is hard. Yes people without children often have more time for hobbies, but also they do lots of other things, other caring responsibilities, work, volunteering. No, that doesn’t make them selfish. Adoption isn’t for everyone and they have obviously been through the gruelling checks and panels to be approved. If they can’t be positive and look forward to it now, that would be sad. Is that what you want? Are you jealous that your children won’t be the only kids / centre of attention? Have you enjoyed being the only ones who have kids?

Of course it will be hard. It’s your choice whether you want to be supportive and positive.

If they are going through the adoption process it will be stringent and gruelling. Focusing on the fun aspects of family life that the have to look forward to isn’t a bad thing. I don’t remember any test where I had to have looked after a baby overnight before I had my child…
most people are clueless before they have a child.
Are you jealous of their careers and hobbies?