how to please DIL

Your dil sounds cheeky, spoilt and unreasonable. You can't please people like this

I think people are getting a bit confused about this. OP WANTS to just give a token gift, and put money in an account:

and explained too SS and his partner that we would put a little amount in each month, and on occasions like, birthdays, holidays like easter etc, rather than spend a fortune on gifts, we would put a larger amount into the account and we would give a 'token gift'.

It is only on the child's birthday that she has asked what they want and they have asked for a £50 gift so that is what they have bought, for some reason OP also put the £50 into the account too.. NO ONE is suggesting the birthday present is a token gift.. it's not, but it also doesn't sound like it's the norm.

OP has presumably the rest of the time done token gifts and put money into an account?

A £50 present plus £50 contribution to bank account is not a 'bare minimum' gift, it is a generous and appropriate way to mark a toddler's birthday. I think the OP's description of it as a 'token gift' was maybe a bit misleading. I would see a 'token gift' as a chocolate bar or sticker book or something.

She may well do but it looks like yet another thread where the OP doesn't come back.

I'm not sure that £50 in the bank and £50 on present/s is a 'token'

@miserablemo I don't think you can please them, sorry. But if they need you more than you need them, don't bend over for them

It's only a few hours since she posted 😂. Maybe, just maybe, the OP is getting on with real life. Give her some more time FGS. Not everyone is glued to message boards. Some people actually do have a life.

OP hasn't come back. She clearly doesn't like he SDIL.
I suspect she is like my SMIL- if I told her she looked nice, she'd take offence.

I assume there's been an offer of childcare, but when the DIL and SS have tried to call it in, none has been forthcoming from OP, which is causing the annoyance.. it doesn't sound like they knew about OPs holiday and asked for help with childcare only to be told that they weren't available, which they obviously didn't know about otherwise it wouldn't a surprise to them?

There annoyance isn't really justified if OP has got pre-booked plans, but lots of people pay lip service and offer help and then have no real intention of actually helping.. they want to see the grandchildren on their terms, and want the parents to do all the facilitating but don't actually want to put any effort in themselves, even though they have said they want to and offered to.. This would cause quite a bit of frustration, and I suspect is what is actually happening here.

OP seems to be a completely hands off grandparent, the gifts thing seems to indicate that too, they get a 'token' gift for special occasions and put money in a bank account instead? To me that's just quite lazy grandparenting, absolutely no thought goes into it whatsoever, just doing the bare minimum.. and it's the same with helping out too.

Along with OP moaning about her DIL being away at weekends(?), not visiting them (?), no real connection with the child, and things like being incredulous that DIL isn't putting her child in nursery (?) shows that OP doesn't really know them well, but is quite opinionated when it comes to her DIL and there is obviously a mismatch in expectation/communication with regards to involvement.

I suspect OP is telling an extremely one sided version of these events, but it's easier to come on here call her a CF and blame the DIL (it's always the DIL!) for the lack of relationship than it is to try and actually put effort into having a relationship with them.

£50 is plenty to spend on a gift. Putting money in a bank account for the future is a much better use of another 50 than more tat.

Agree with others I don't think £50 worth of presents is a token gift.

It's more than my DC get from their GPs and they don't get money on top!

She's very rude and grabby to moan about that to you.

On the childcare point it's unclear what you currently are doing childcare-wise.

Maybe they were assuming you would cover the weeks her parents are away and was just having a moan due to the unfortunate timing.

That's not your problem though.

No point trying to please her if she wants to complain about everything, just be kind when you see her and disengage from the drama.

Why you focusing on the dil not the son ?

She sounds very spoilt and entitled.

Is she away every weekend in April without her baby?
I would just continue with your own plans and not go out of your way to be childcare. Because otherwise they will expect you to be on hand all the time.

The child is 14 months old and doesn’t even know what a birthday is; it’s not going to be ‘devastated’ by anything. And in any case the OP is buying the child gifts. She bought £50 of gifts and put £50 in a savings account.

A toddler doesn’t have a clue how much gifts cost, in any case, so even if she did only give them something small to open, they’re not going to care if it didn’t cost much. (You know a ‘token gift’ doesn’t mean a gift voucher, right?!)

The simple answer: don't try to please them because you never will. If they can't afford childcare or have no alternatives but parents then they either suck it up or shouldn't have had a child in the first place. They sound entitled, self absorbed and unkind. Tell them to get stuffed.

Your son and dil are hugely entitled. Tell them straight how it is. Your not there for their benefit

I would do nothing. If they want to be petty and miserable complaining about everything is their choice.

Is what world is the OP being unreasonable??

Maybe she doesn't need you to solve the situation here, she just needs you to hear her moans and sympathise.

I thought she was. Maybe i misread.

Seems an odd stance for them to take.
Even the people I know who's parents provide regular childcare have to manage the contingencies of holidays/illnesses themselves.
I think you need to talk to your son about their expectations.

They won’t when they’re older and get the money.

The OP did say they bought a token gift then put more in the bank.

There was some proposed/presumed childcare though. That's why the DIL was outraged about OP's long pre-booked holiday.