how to please DIL

As someone put it OP:
Appreciation turns to expectation, then turns to entitlement, finally it turns to resentment.
Stand your ground.

My grandsons mum bought so many toys for my grandson , for example letting him fill a trolley at toys r us at the age of 3 that we really couldn’t compete. She and my son had separated and co parented well. So after checking with my son that he was happy with the plan I did exactly what you did, I opened an account and bought a smaller present. My grandson is 20 now and at Christmas I gave him the details of the account that he knew nothing about . He is currently spending it travelling the world backpacking . I am apparently the best grandma in the world. This is an experience he will always remember as opposed to some plastic crap that he received at the age of 2, 3, 4 etc

Your DIL sounds a bit rude tbh. Moaning about lack of things you bought and you are entitled to book holidays etc. Maybe just say that as they were upset about XYZ what can we do going forward to minimise arguments, or how can you all work round certain situations so everyone is happy, obviously you shouldn't bend over backwards and not go out your way to please her. You don't sound overbearing in any way , you sound reasonable, I'd just have a chat and try and get a happy balance all round

But the baby is 14 months old, so was most probably already born, when the holiday was booked.

However, I am not standing up for the CF parents. The baby’s care is entirely their responsibility.

It's easy to say that, but since the couple never bother to visit OP, chances are that this would mean that OP wouldn't get to see her grandchild.

I have friends who do childcare that they no longer have the energy for, because they know that if they didn't, they'd never see their grandchildren. And theirs is a similar situation with the other grandparents living much closer.

Sadly there are couples out there who simply see the grandparent relationship as transactional.

I think the child is a baby (a 1 yo)? So actually they appreciate neither gifts nor money.

Oh dear. I'd be reining in the babysitting now and putting boundaries in place. They are being very spoilt and ungrateful. They are already assuming you'll be at every beck and call so put an end to that now.

If her parents are mug enough to pay for them then let them do it. Her parents clearly see a deficit in their daughter if they constantly have to buy her love. Don't fall for it do something for yourself and plan another holiday. You seem bothered about not spending money on them, I wonder what your husband is like?
When my daughter left home I said "one out, 3 more to go". You spend most of your salary on them when they are young and they expect you to continue paying for their luxury items when they leave. If he has expensive tastes and is materialistic then tell him to work for it like everyone else. If they don't want to talk to you again then their loss not yours. Stop giving them an audience or spend your money on them they would love that.

If you were brave enough, I'd be saying:

"we recognise that (DIL's parents) are providing significant financial and childcare support. However our circumstances are different. The distance and time in travelling to you is significant and cannot be compared to the help that grandparents who live five minutes away, can offer.
We are not privy to their financial situation, but will always do what we can within the limits of ours. It hurts that you seem to find our efforts inadequate. We love you both, and our grandchild dearly. But we would really appreciate you not comparing us to grandparents whose circumstances are different from ours"

They spent £50? Plus the bank thing.

The expectations are unreasonable. You don't want to or don't have the capacity to keep up with her parents. It's your time and your money and you use it how you want to. They are very entitled. Your capacity might change over time as well. My parents provided care for both of my brothers. They had both DN at least 3 days a week for several years. 1 child for several years and then next child for several years. When I had my kids they my parents were older, not fit for it and wouldn't commit to regular care. They provide adhoc care for hospital appointments, special occasions and an overnight every other month ish. I'm not upset. I'm bloody grateful because ITS NOT THEIR JOB. I'd park the behaviour I'd tell them they are being rude/ ungrateful if the comment on the gift or value of it. Same with the care.

I think with some people nothing you do will ever be good enough so you need to just accept it and stop trying. Do what you're willing and able to and no more.

They both sound like arrogant thoughtless people .

Your updates don't paint your SS and DIL in a good light!
I don't think you're doing anything wrong but DD and DIL are very different people.
Unless you're willing to give up all your spare time and shower this baby with expensive gifts you'll be falling short...

It's always unreasonable for someone to assume that because they chose to have a baby, other people's lives must now change to fit their wants for care as well. You are doing nothing wrong. You haven't even committed to regular childcare. Enjoy your holiday and let your SS and DIL sort out care for their child. Like you no doubt had to do with your own children.

we were expected to travel an hour, collect child, drive home and then return the child the following day.. that 4 hours of travelling every weekend and we were exhausted!

Further evidence, if it were needed, of their entitlement. If they want you to look after the baby then they should be the ones doing the travelling. You are doing nothing wrong OP, whatever they try to guilt you into feeling.

What does your husband have to say about this? Does he agree that they ask for far to much and are rude about it, or does he ignore it/try to pretend it's not happening? And what is he doing about it?

Did you post before about the sleepover situation?

Yes they do appreciate gifts. And £50 would have bought though gifts to keep a young child happy surely. So the other £50 in savings is a bonus.

I think i am guilty of assuming, very stupidly that everyone is the same. That everyone would behave the same as my own DD and her DH do?

There's this. And also, it seems like your DiL may be expecting everyone to be the same and for you and your DH to act like her own parents do (who, it sounds like, do more hands on childcare and give more in the way of presents?).

Mismatched expectations can be really hard to manage, especially if your SS is not actively trying to ensure a smooth relationship.

I don't think posters are being fair to say that if someone commits to regular childcare they are unreasonable to have a holiday. Childminders take holidays, I see no reason why a grandparent can't. I don't see the issues with SS taking time of work either. Don't all parents use annual leave to care for their own child.
I think DIL and SS are very entitled and ungrateful. The present thing is also very cheeky, £50 on a gift and £50 in savings is more than a lot of children get from GPs
I'd be telling them straight they are being very unfair rather than try and appease them or it will just continue.

The only way you will please them is to put them and their needs and wishes front and centre. This means checking with them before you make any plans, and being ready at all times to ask 'how high' when they shout 'jump'. So if I were you and didn't want to live like that, I'd make my peace with regular stints in the bad books, and stop trying so hard. Carry on in your own sweet way, being considerate of them and gifting your grandchild as you see fit. If it's nor good enough, then too bad. I doubt they'll cut their nose off to spite their faces.

Your DIL does know she has had a baby doesn't she? My life changed when I had my babies no more going out everything had to be planed. I had no babysitter on hand when needed. Not many first time parents go out with their mates that often. She sounds selfish and he (SS) sounds like a push over.

She sounds absolutely vile OP. I feel sorry for you. If I end up with a DIL like this she will be getting told. Why is she so entitled? You don't owe them childcare and you don't owe them expensive gifts. You've done your stint at parenting and it sounds like she needs to learn how to parent if she thinks she can go away every weekend. I would never dream of saying something like that to my MIL and believe me we had our problems when she was alive. I think you need to decide what your boundaries are and set some lines in the sand. Don't let her walk all over you.