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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister cut me off

58 replies

MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 10:00

My sister (23) and I were very close until early December. She started telling people I was being mean to her and deliberately upsetting her. I got angry and told everyone it wasn’t true and showed people evidence. After an argument with her boyfriend she apologised and admitted it wasn’t true, (I apologised for getting angry) but she then said she no longer wanted contact with me. She convinced my family to uninvited me from Christmas and block me when I tried to resolve everything and go round to their house.

I have 4 kids (8m, 3, 4 and 6). My family provided my social support and my childcare so this was all lost when she cut me off. My husband works a lot and worked all over Christmas, long hours with a 4 hour commute. I was alone the whole time. I’ve had minimal help for the last 4 months.

I have a big family so there was a big impact when it was removed. She’s a very popular member of the family and is easily able to influence others. Many have sided with me, but my immediate family have all sided with her, (she’s the baby of our family and we’re all very protective of her).

My family kept saying they were arranging a meeting. But it never happened. My sister got a therapist and said she’s been told she doesn’t have to talk to me or discuss anything.

After 4 months my sister is now ready to meet again but she doesn’t want to discuss anything. She has refused to apologise. I’ve apologised. I can accept she doesn’t have to apologise to me, and I just accept I can’t trust her not to do it again. But how do have a relationship with my family with her there? Do I just pretend everything’s not awkward and I’m not in a lot of pain from what she’s done to me?

The other problem is my immediate family, they’re refusing to acknowledge she’s done a bad thing by cutting me off for months when I have 4 young kids and rely on them.

AIBU? Should I just get over it?

OP posts:
Violetpalmtrees · 26/03/2025 12:06

I don’t think I could ever get over the pain for my whole immediate family ditching me and refusing to be around my children because they wanted to take sides with my sister. I don’t think I could sit in a room with my sister and family and pretend they didn’t just didn’t cut me off for 4 months.

Your sister clearly has issues that she’s dealing with but dragging the family into and not apologising isn’t on.

Any good therapist would tell your sister to discuss her feelings with you and try to move on, not “don’t discuss anything with your sister or apologise and pretend nothings happened”

thepariscrimefiles · 26/03/2025 12:03

MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 10:52

I have to guess because she won’t talk to me or anyone. I think maybe she didn’t want to work for me anymore and felt trapped. She wasn’t.
There was a nasty argument driven by her boyfriend, who I don’t know very well. I was crying and saying I wasn’t being nasty to her and he was telling me ‘look at you with your baby. Get back in your car and go home. Everything she said about you was right. You’re nasty.’ I was outside my parents home. I said I was home. He started shouting at me ‘you’re F’ing disgusting’ repeatedly. I didn’t respond. He gives a very different account of this story. We all apologised after this but then my sister instructed my family to stop me coming round.

Show quote history

Your sister's boyfriend sounds abusive. I'm not sure that I could get over my parents just cutting me off on the say-so of my sister. I wouldn't trust them with childcare because if they do this again, you will be left completely in the lurch.

You sounds like quite an enmeshed family so I would advise you to stop relying on them. Could you afford to pay for extra childcare so that your mum doesn't need to have your baby?

Are you close to your husband's family? Do they provide any help/support?

MzHz · 26/03/2025 12:00

Your sister treated you appallingly and your mother didn't back you up - and won't. ever.

Don't involve them in your childcare arrangements. It will become a mess again, and you will fall foul of for whatever BS your sister cooks up next.

be cool, be distant, your relationship is damaged because they don't think they are in the wrong, they think YOU are. You crawling back looks like an admission of guilt and proof they were right

FUCK THEM ALL.

You are worth more than this. Get a new network around you filled with good people who are kind to you.

223Sunshine · 26/03/2025 11:55

MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 11:53

I agree I need alternative forms of childcare. But how do I now move forward with my family? We all apologised after the argument but then she changed her mind and cut me off

@MyAquaEagle I think take it day by day. Keep a bit distant and polite. The relationship won't recover for a while.

223Sunshine · 26/03/2025 11:54

I wouldn't rely on any childcare from them, even one day a week. Put the kids in nursery and deal with it all yourself. Not because I think family doing childcare is wrong but because they can use it to hurt you again and again. The whole situation is too toxic. Focus on your kids and going back to work. Keep everyone at arms' length.

Original poster
MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 11:53

I agree I need alternative forms of childcare. But how do I now move forward with my family? We all apologised after the argument but then she changed her mind and cut me off

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/03/2025 11:46

You seem to be just blaming your sister her but the rest of your family are at fault as well if they are willing to treat you like this just because she told them to.
You really need to work out how to manage childcare without them

ohdearagain2 · 26/03/2025 11:35

it seems to stem from that argument so might be helpful to get others opinions on what happened that she thought you were nasty. is she trying to get pregnant?

ByEdgyPeer · 26/03/2025 11:17

If she doesn't want contact with you, just leave her alone. Invite your other family member round to your house and have a discussion with them on your own, absolutely no need to involve your sister.

Why are you relying on them to help look after your children? Either get a nanny or arrange proper childcare if you can't look after them on your own, 4 children is not difficult, especially when they're that little.

Original poster
MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 11:05

Mbhhhvff · 26/03/2025 10:58

Reading this reply if I was to make a guess about what’s happened I would ASSUME your sister felt taken advantage of re-childcare, they didn’t like your emotional outburst infront of your children, they’ve left you to stew on your own for a while with the attitude of “she will need us before we need her”.

In which case I change my mind about the reply I’ve already posted. This relationship might be salvageable, but I think you need to find alternate childcare arrangements for all of your sakes. It sounds like that is the crux of the problem. If childcare is the trigger, I can also understand why your sister might not feel she needs to apologise, especially if she feels taken advantage of.

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She was employed. She asked for the job

OP posts:
Original poster
MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 11:03

FranticHare · 26/03/2025 10:13

Does your Sis live with the rest of your immediate family?

So because she shouted loudest, your parents and other siblings (?) stopped speaking to you too? And stopped seeing their Grandchildren/Niece's/Nephew's?

In which case, they have shown you who they are and I would not be rushing back. Find alternative help with the children when needed - you couldn't trust your family just to withdraw help again. Join some toddler groups and meet some like minded other mums. Build your social group away from your family.

Maybe keep a line of communication open - birthday cards etc. But I wouldn't be looking for a close relationship with those that think that little of me.

Yes, she still lives at home with my mum and dad. Her boyfriend has also lived there for the past 2 years. I understand your point. My mum has tried very hard to keep contact with us. She’s spent hours talking to me but won’t accept they’ve done anything wrong.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 26/03/2025 11:01

It all sounds a bit enmeshed to me though I know all families are different. I think you need to either source private childcare or be a SAHM and keep your family relationships as just family relationships. It doesn't sound like there is a way to going back to how things were.

Mbhhhvff · 26/03/2025 10:58

MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 10:52

I have to guess because she won’t talk to me or anyone. I think maybe she didn’t want to work for me anymore and felt trapped. She wasn’t.
There was a nasty argument driven by her boyfriend, who I don’t know very well. I was crying and saying I wasn’t being nasty to her and he was telling me ‘look at you with your baby. Get back in your car and go home. Everything she said about you was right. You’re nasty.’ I was outside my parents home. I said I was home. He started shouting at me ‘you’re F’ing disgusting’ repeatedly. I didn’t respond. He gives a very different account of this story. We all apologised after this but then my sister instructed my family to stop me coming round.

Show quote history

Reading this reply if I was to make a guess about what’s happened I would ASSUME your sister felt taken advantage of re-childcare, they didn’t like your emotional outburst infront of your children, they’ve left you to stew on your own for a while with the attitude of “she will need us before we need her”.

In which case I change my mind about the reply I’ve already posted. This relationship might be salvageable, but I think you need to find alternate childcare arrangements for all of your sakes. It sounds like that is the crux of the problem. If childcare is the trigger, I can also understand why your sister might not feel she needs to apologise, especially if she feels taken advantage of.

Original poster
MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 10:56

SpectacularBlahaj · 26/03/2025 10:47

Your sister works/worked for you? That seems like pretty critical information. If you were trying to reduce her hours without knowing if she would be alright with that, that’s sure to raise issues. Have you spoken with her about this specifically?

She didn’t seem happy. I spoke to my mum about it. I offered her more work initially which she turned down. We altered her work arrangement to make her more happy. I started to cut the hours to see if it helped.

OP posts:
DeathNote11 · 26/03/2025 10:56

Google "golden child and scapegoat". Have a read & see if it rings true for you.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 26/03/2025 10:54

Do not take up any offers of childcare from your family. If they are prepared to spread lies about you to your wider family, they are also prepared to tell the same lies to your children and try to turn them against you. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but honestly there’s no coming back from it. Do you really want a future of treading on tiptoe around these volatile people while they turn your children into pawns and withdraw their “love” with no notice and no reason? Don’t put yourself through it, and more importantly, don’t put your children through it.

Original poster
MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 10:53

Survivingnotthriving24 · 26/03/2025 10:48

I'd be very surprised if your entire family cut you off for no reason at all, I think you need to have an honest discussion and find out what's happened here and if you owe anyone an apology.

If its exactly as you say, I'd maybe offer one more chance but if the same happened again there wouldn't be a next time. It would be hugely damaging for your children to have people in and out of their lives like that.

I agree with you. So I waited for months for her to be ready so we could all talk about what happened and I could apologise and we could move forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 10:52

SpectacularBlahaj · 26/03/2025 10:37

This all sounds very stressful for you.
With kindness (not redirecting any blame or excusing her behaviour), can you think of a trigger for her to change her attitude towards you? It sounds odd that your family, who supported you, would suddenly be against even having you in the house. Have any of them given you a reason why you’re being blocked or ignored?

I agree with previous posters suggesting you focus primarily on your own family. But I understand the desire to repair bridges you weren’t expecting to have been burned.

I have to guess because she won’t talk to me or anyone. I think maybe she didn’t want to work for me anymore and felt trapped. She wasn’t.
There was a nasty argument driven by her boyfriend, who I don’t know very well. I was crying and saying I wasn’t being nasty to her and he was telling me ‘look at you with your baby. Get back in your car and go home. Everything she said about you was right. You’re nasty.’ I was outside my parents home. I said I was home. He started shouting at me ‘you’re F’ing disgusting’ repeatedly. I didn’t respond. He gives a very different account of this story. We all apologised after this but then my sister instructed my family to stop me coming round.

OP posts:
FranticHare · 26/03/2025 10:50

MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 10:34

I was worried about the effect it’s having on my children. I’m going back to work soon, my mum’s offered to have the younger kids one day a week and I know my sister will be there helping my mum.

I wouldn't rely on that - I would sort alternative paid childcare.

Whatever is going on will not be helped by you relying them on childcare. If they just drop the rope again you will be stuffed - finding childcare short notice is hard.

Survivingnotthriving24 · 26/03/2025 10:48

I'd be very surprised if your entire family cut you off for no reason at all, I think you need to have an honest discussion and find out what's happened here and if you owe anyone an apology.

If its exactly as you say, I'd maybe offer one more chance but if the same happened again there wouldn't be a next time. It would be hugely damaging for your children to have people in and out of their lives like that.

SpectacularBlahaj · 26/03/2025 10:47

Your sister works/worked for you? That seems like pretty critical information. If you were trying to reduce her hours without knowing if she would be alright with that, that’s sure to raise issues. Have you spoken with her about this specifically?

Original poster
MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 10:41

SunshineAndFizz · 26/03/2025 10:34

We have absolutely no detail about what you’ve done or what she’s done and therefore who is in the wrong here. For all we know you’ve done something wrong (in her eyes) so she doesn’t want to apologise.

Fair point. I think it’s complicated. We were very very close (for the past 20 years!). I don’t think anything big has happened. I think maybe she didn’t want to work for me anymore and saw this as a way out rather than quitting. I felt she wasn’t happy but didn’t know why or that it was me. She’s seeing a therapist so there is something, not that I’ve been told. I was trying to reduce her hours, suibtilly so not to offend her if she didn’t want that.

OP posts:
SpectacularBlahaj · 26/03/2025 10:37

This all sounds very stressful for you.
With kindness (not redirecting any blame or excusing her behaviour), can you think of a trigger for her to change her attitude towards you? It sounds odd that your family, who supported you, would suddenly be against even having you in the house. Have any of them given you a reason why you’re being blocked or ignored?

I agree with previous posters suggesting you focus primarily on your own family. But I understand the desire to repair bridges you weren’t expecting to have been burned.

Original poster
MyAquaEagle · 26/03/2025 10:34

I was worried about the effect it’s having on my children. I’m going back to work soon, my mum’s offered to have the younger kids one day a week and I know my sister will be there helping my mum.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 26/03/2025 10:34

We have absolutely no detail about what you’ve done or what she’s done and therefore who is in the wrong here. For all we know you’ve done something wrong (in her eyes) so she doesn’t want to apologise.