Sister cut me off

Her boyfriend saying ‘look at you with your baby’ makes me wonder if she’s struggling to get pregnant and she perceives that you’ve made her feel bad about it (quite probably unknowingly)? Could that have happened, and she’s told her boyfriend and because he’s also affected he’s reacted like this? Not that it’s ok anyone reacting like this? He sounds a bit manipulative?
And I wonder how come you don’t really know him if he’s lived with you sister as your parents house for 2 years?

@MyAquaEagle Maybe she wants her own kids and house. And facilitating yours was making her jealous, depressed or pissing her off - even if she chose the job. Do you feel sure you weren’t appearing to take her for granted?

If I fill in gaps, it reads like she was going home miserable, telling that to the boyfriend and your parents, and making them annoyed. It’s hard to live with a miserable person. After the argument, they didn’t want you around - maybe because they didn’t want an argument repeated, regardless of whose fault it was? I wonder if you participated in that argument more than you are saying here.

OP, I feel for you being isolated like that. It’s not nice. You must have meant well paying your sister to nanny, but you also you sound of view that you’re entitled to help from your family, which you are not.

Suggested way forward:

1. hire your own childcare.
2. Leave your sister to mull. She’s obviously trying to sort something out in therapy, and if she and the boyfriend live with parents, it’s obvs not an ideal living arrangement. She has her own fish to fry. So let her.
3. If you’ve nothing to apologise for, stop offering apology and get on with your life.
4. If you want to see your parents, just go over - drop in, have a cup of tea, unaware of any tension. Don’t let her have that power of isolating you from the home. There doesn’t need to be a big family meeting or agreement. Don’t make a big thing out of it and put pressure on the situation. Drop in to see your mum and have a chat, be civil with the sister and boyfriend, and otherwise cut them loose until they grow up.
5. Don’t hire your siblings - it’s just doesn’t work. The power dynamics always turns things to pot.

Good luck

what did you do? something big is missing from this version of events.

So sorry for quoting the OP! And I haven't rtft either.

What did your sister specifically say you were doing to annoy her, that you had evidence to prove otherwise?
Are you similar ages?
Do you think her bf is to do with the fallout?
Have any of your family spoken to you since the fallout?

I think you shouldn't wait for any more conversation on the argument.Don't mention it to your family. Keep it light, respectful. I think you should still be there for your sister (without the answers to the questions i asked. She might be genuinely mean) if you care, but be aware it could happen again.

Either way, I did some gardening earlier and had two (four 😶) gin and tonics that went straight behind my eyes 😂 so, I think summing up, fuck em 😂

I think you need to ask them for family counselling so you can all air everything out in a secure space. She needs to tell you what was wrong and you need to tell your family that they abandoned you. Not even just because of childcare but the idea of my family suddenly deciding I was no longer welcome without a real explanation because of my sibling is heart breaking. I can just feel the backlash of this being every time something even small happens you’re gunna suddenly feel like they are gunna disappear again and that’s awful. Your family are the people that should never abandon you and that is what they did, it leaves a mark and you need to talk about it.

Use other childcare and just be polite with them.

Don’t rely on them for anything and don’t over share or pass comment on any of their issues. Arms length civil.

Keep is very surface level like acquaintance.

Is your sister living in your parents' house or the other way round. I'm wondering why they would stop you from visiting on her say so. You say that your Mum has spoken to you a lot. What did she say?

People who are employed and want the job can still feel taken advantage of.

This must have something to do with you trying to mess with her hours without having a proper convo about what she actually wanted.

I don’t believe your whole family, who you have been very close to, would just cut you off for no reason. You are either not telling the whole story here, or you have not been reading the room and been too tied up in your own life to realise how you were treating and making other people feel.

Her bf sounds like a narcissistic pr##k he's probably the 1 behind it all to be honest. Me personally would walk away not worth your own sanity 😊

The whole story sounds weird but we can only take your word for it. I would prioritize finding alternative care so you are snoring dependent on them anymore and I wouldn't cut them off but the relationship will probably be at arms length going forward.

Depending on then for childcare or emotional support will only lead to disappointment and hurt.

I think it's very sad that so many people on here think that we shouldn't rely on family. We're humans. We're meant to live in tribes and help each other.

OP your family sound as if they're slightly short of brain cells to just side with your sister with no discussion. Your sister has far too much power and no integrity. All you can hope for is that she grows up at some point.

Yes – it seems odd they have dropped all support on the say so from 23-yo sister.

What’s that all about OP? It must be very upsetting for you.

@MyAquaEagle to be honest, I would cut out the lot of them!! they all sound horrible. make other arrangements and dont see them again. they cannot treat you like this without expecting any repercussions!

She’s clearly a very immature 23 year old. You need to have a discussing around it instead of busying her head in the sand like it never happened 😳 what gets sorted from that? Nothing!

You don’t. They’ve made it very clear how little you matter compared to your sister. Be polite, but don’t go chasing after them.

Did your family actually block you for 4 months too, or just stop you from coming round? If they all live together, it would have been impossible to ban her from Christmas. They were in a hard position. You weren't on your own - you had your husband and all your children. Would have been different if they'd left you to Christmas by your lonesome.

Whatever happened, your sister is clearly working though something in therapy. I'd tread cautiously and slowly.

Re the rest of your family, it depends, I think, if they still called and texted you during The Big Freeze, or if they cut you off completely based on a minor argument.

I don't think I'd be in a rush to rebuild the relationship if they completely cut you off, and if the reasons wasn't serious (e.g. your sister had accused you of something unforgivable and they felt they had to side with her as no one would make that sort of thing up).

Re your childcare, sort this externally. Whether or not you pay them, keeping it in the family isn't working for you and your family dynamics.

PS I'm so sorry your family has turned out to be a bunch of people who don't have your back at all times. Remember, friends are the family you choose - you can build a different support network in time. A better one.

Agree with @DeathNote11 Google "golden child and scapegoat".

It all sounds very toxic, I wouldn’t even bother with having anything to do with any of them again. Stop apologising, tell the family you want to keep in touch but your done, whether they believe you or not you were verbally attacked by this boyfriend while holding your child ( were your other children there?). You don’t care what they believe any more, they have shown their lack of care and support for you by cutting you and your children off.

If your sis wants to see you again fine, but it will be on the condition she talks what happened through as your not going to sweep it under the carpet just because she has dictated this.

if your parents and other siblings want a relationship with you and your children it will be on your terms and not at a house you were thrown/cut out of, you don’t want your children around that toxicity.

I have nothing to do with my toxic family, they were never involved in childcare so that was no loss to me. I had enough when I saw my toxic scapegoated upbringing starting to take place with my children, with them being played off against my siblings children. I had previously been NC and was very much on guard when I allowed them back in. We managed a few years of relative peace before I walked away that was 7 years ago and I’ve no regrets. My children are in a far happier and healthier place without my family in their lives.

I agree. Show them you don't 'need' their help, so that any communication with them is strictly as a family and nothing else.

I would suggest that you turn down any offers of babysitting or having the children on their own. Do not allow them to have any power over you and your little family. That might change in the future, but in the meantime they are going to have to earn back your trust - the trust that they themselves broke.

Finally, if your sister's bf is still on the scene and living at your parents' house, avoid being around him at all costs. He has broken a cardinal rule in his treatment of you - interfering with his gf's family - and if your parents don't recognise that he is being manipulative (and I'm quite sure he has long term designs on your parents' house/money), then they deserve whatever is coming to them as he cuts off their other family and isolates them from family support. (Yes, I know I'm catastrophising, but he does not sound like he's grateful for the home your parents have given him).

"Entitled to childcare"?

I think you missed the part where OP was paying her sister to look after the children, because her sister asked for the job.

She's entitled to the childcare she is PAYING for.

Well it's hard to gauge what actually went on from just your side of the story to be honest.

It's odd your whole family cut you off after you and your sister fell out. Thats not normal.

If you can’t trust your family not to take sides.
If you can’t trust your family not to take things out on your children.
You can’t trust your family and should be very careful about future engagements with them.

I don’t think your family should have uninvited you from Christmas. However you should not be so heavily reliant on your family to help with the children. I have three children and we live away from both sides of the family. My husband used to travel abroad every week when they were under the age of ten. I just got on with it. You are not entitled to family help with childcare.

I put yabu, but only because I couldn’t be doing with the drama!
if your sister and especially the rest of your family cut you off just based on her say so, then I wouldn’t want to have contact with them anyway.

I think you need to maybe speak to a therapist but give yourself time with your family. They were quick to ditch you and take sides with your sister, hurting you and assuming your children.

Apologising is one thing but you need to see change and take time to get over the hurt