Day off for dads death

Grief - understanding, processing, feeling, allowing time and space for emotions - is a part of life.

He's not stopping his life by taking a day to process trauma, remember his dad.

He's very much living it and experiencing it. That is life.

It's more important for him to take a day to process this huge event than it is to have one more unmemorable day at school.

He has full attendance, there is no pattern of absence or asking for days off, and school will still be there tomorrow.

See that would partly be my fear that sooner or later something important will land on the anniversary.
Which will be doubly hard if he's never had to do something on that day.

I'm sure he's more than aware 'he still has to carry on with life'.

Why does he have to though?

he is a 12 year old who has been through a massive trauma. If he needs one day a year to help deal with that why can’t he?

I am sure some people think feelings are a bad thing and everyone should just be emotionless.

He would be going in. He’s now of an age to understand that it maybe a tough day for him, but he still has to carry on with life

I would let him have the day off. If he wanted it off every year, I’d allow that too (assuming it didn’t conflict with anything vitally important).

Why, in your "professional experience" do you think "something may be going on"?

Again, this is a kid with full attendance DESPITE the fact that he doesn't like school. There is no emerging pattern here. It is the anniversary of his dad's death.

Working with kids/ teens (and I do too FWIW), does not make you a mind reader or fortune teller. There is no foundation whatsoever in anything OP has said for a concern that this is going to "become a regular request".

There probably isn't a right or wrong answer but one thing you wouldn't want to happen is for the first time he HAS to do something one the anniversary is for it to be something important like a exam or job interview.

Or for him to feel guilty about wanting to go on a school trip or something.

Jeez, my younger brother died nearly 13 years ago and I still take his anniversary off so that I can connect with my family and take time to remember him in my own way. Your son lost his dad only 3 years ago, I would absolutely allow him the day to do what he needs to either grieve or remember him.

Listen to yourself.

This is a child whose dad died. He’s not looking for a jolly.

What would be wrong with him wanting that every year, for quiet contemplation or however he wants to remember his dad?

OP we have been through this, with DD now 28. I recommend that you allow it- show him that his feelings matter.

I would let him have the anniversary off this year but encourage him to consider taking the nearest weekend day in future years as the day to mark the loss of his father.

I disagree. It’s not a competition to see who can show most compassion. Obviously the OP is the one who knows her child best, but people do not usually need a day off to grieve three years after the event.

My father died suddenly when I was six. My mother, my siblings and I had a sad day commemorating his death every year, but my mother had to go work and we had to go to school. We got the message that life has to carry on.

If the OP thinks her son really needs to stay at home, that’s different.

But if the

I didn't ask him because he was an all-knowing man. I asked him because he was the only other person in the house. Most of the people on this thread aren't qualified as you describe either, so regardless of their thoughts on the matter their opinion carries no more weight than mine or his, by your logic.

I hope you are not some sort of trauma counsellor or psychologist because your communication style is reactive, rude, aggressive and immature.

Honestly, why wouldn't you?

If he expects it every year - so what? One day a year.

I have no experience of this but would be led by the child - if he wants to stay off school, let him.

keep him off and do something nice on the day to remember his Dad by , I am honestly shocked by folk saying to send him to school

As someone who has lost a parent, definitely.

Twice I can remember my parents going against the rules, two v different occasions, and I still remember and appreciate it so much. Neither time did I think I'd got one over or that it would always happen. They're gone now but those two occasions speak to me still about the parents they were ❤️

Also, resilience is built by loving relationships that get you through the tough times, not sticking children into harsh situations or trying to distract them..

It’s coming up to the three year anniversary of losing my 22 year old son and I have decided to completely ignore it this year because I don’t want to get into the habit of it becoming a yearly thing that I expect. Yes I’m being sarcastic btw.
Fuck sake lol “he’ll expect it every other year” as if it’s an unreasonable thing to ask for on the anniversary of losing one of his parents

I would 100% let him stay home & if he asks to do it every year I would let him. He is asking for help & you are the only one who can give him it. He has a whole lifetime to spend without his dad, there's no logical reason why you can't make it a bit easier on the anniversary of his death. School attendance is of course important, but so is your son feeling supported on a difficult day. He may well be sick at some point during the school year & would need to be off anyway so may not have perfect attendance.

No. Life goes on. Take a minute before school to remember him, let school know that he's feeling fragile, go for a walk to his favourite place after school etc. but no day off.

Let him have the day off

Why the distinction? It's not for us to dictate (or even understand) how someone else deals with their grief.

If he’s going to be distracted and unable to pay attention he might as well stay home, that way he doesn’t have to deal with the intrusive what’s wrong questions, or risk crying etc.

I find these things difficult because I don’t get sentimental or upset on anniversary dates of death. I largely don’t even remember the dates in question because to me it’s irrelevant.
I could maybe understand the first year, but 3 years in? Is he struggling? Does he have something he wants to do on the day?
Perhaps suggest he goes to school but you go for pizza/tea out that night?

Does your all knowing husband have an advanced degree in child development, child psychology, or a qualification in grief counselling, is a bereavement specialist or something? Or is he just a man.

Hang on folks, a MAN is here to explain it all to us silly women, we must listen and obey! FFS.

You’re wrong, your husband is wrong.