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AIBU?

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Original poster

Day off for dads death

469 replies

Noideawhatimdoing40 · 26/03/2025 07:36

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

OP posts:
FiveWhatByFiveWhat · 27/03/2025 07:41

Needspaceforlego · 26/03/2025 07:42

I'd send him in. He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year. All firsts are hard.

Although I think I'd be prepared to pick him up early if he's really upset. And if possible be home before him or ask his Grandparents if they can be there for him coming home. I just wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house

Why can't he?? As an adult he can book annual leave if he wants/needs the day off, I've worked with a few people over the years who have done similar for emotional anniversaries, so why shouldn't a child be allowed?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:38

oviraptor21 · 26/03/2025 12:41

I would let him have the anniversary off this year but encourage him to consider taking the nearest weekend day in future years as the day to mark the loss of his father.

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

it's not about 'marking the day' & choosing a day to do this.

It's about grief, it's about loss, it's about the deep sadness you feel that that person is no longer here, that they will never be here again,

Of course it's not just on the anniversary day, but for many of us that day is more intense, you don't decide to just not feel that way and feel that way on Saturday instead🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

boymama82 · 27/03/2025 07:33

Let him take it off, it's obviously important to him and one day won't affect his education

Iwannakeepondancing · 27/03/2025 07:25

It’s a tricky one. I think it will mean he will keep wanting to as he’ll get used to expecting it but for one day if he hasn’t got anything important on that day and you’re off and can spend it together doing something nice then why not?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:23

TwigletsAndRadishes · 26/03/2025 10:47

I'm reflecting on the responses here and wondering if I have got it completely wrong. I just asked my husband the same question in the OP without telling him anything about my thoughts on the matter. I've always tend to be a bit more 'bad cop' on parenting issues, and a bit more hard nosed than him in general. He's the softie of the two of us.

He answered 'No' without missing a beat. I asked why not and engaged him in debate a bit, presenting the other side of the argument as it's been put to me by some of you, and it was still an emphatic no from him.

I wonder if it's a generational thing. Both of us around 60, give or take. We are not hardened or unfeeling or Victorian by any stretch, but I think you are parenting in a different era and a different way to how we did. And children now are very different as a result. Make of that what you will.

I'm not so very much younger than you at 56 and feel completely differently.

It's a shame you have reflected on your opinion and discussed it with your DH and still haven't found any compassion for this poor child whose dad died when he was nine and for the first time the anniversary is falling on a school day and he doesn't want to be there with teachers and other pupils he wants his own space to feel how he feels.

Crunchymum · 27/03/2025 07:16

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:08

Why not???

If what he needs to cope with the day is to 'Doss about' at home, not deal with other people and trying to concentrate on school work, why shouldn't he have that day off? Why shouldn't he doss/game whatever he needs in his grief??

Show quote history

Personally - and yes I appreciate grief is individual - I'd want to try to make the day positive in any way I could.

Yes the OP's son may well need a day to doss and game (I have a 12yo and he does plenty of that!!) but I was just answering based on my own experience.

I didn't leave the house on my mum's first anniversary and felt even worse for it. Although I'm an adult of course.

Barnybrown · 27/03/2025 07:16

I would definitely let him stay home - anniversaries are difficult and he is just a child dealing with a recent and very significant bereavement. He has asked to stay home and there is no way I would ignore that - it’s just one day. Sending love to you both x

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:08

Crunchymum · 26/03/2025 10:01

I would.

Not many 12yo boys have had to suffer the trauma of losing a parent. If he wants the day off, then I'd let it happen.

However I'd expect the day to be used wisely - we'd either do something to commemorate his dad or do something outside of the house. Not something fun per se or expensive but something we don't do everyday.

It wouldn't be a day to doss about and game!

Why not???

If what he needs to cope with the day is to 'Doss about' at home, not deal with other people and trying to concentrate on school work, why shouldn't he have that day off? Why shouldn't he doss/game whatever he needs in his grief??

Sirzy · 27/03/2025 06:49

So many people seem to think there is a right way to grieve. It’s such a personal thing and it’s important this Child knows that it’s ok to grieve and do what is needed to cope at harder times.

he Has verbalised what he thinks he needs so that should be respected. Then he knows his grief is valid.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 06:40

Daphnise · 26/03/2025 09:20

He will find other easons for more dyas off- you don't have time off for bereavement on anniversaries- or no one would ever be in school/work.

RubBish

Peakcentral · 27/03/2025 06:37

Some of these replies are vile.

I would let him have the day off, no questions. Who cares if it sets a prescedent, he lost his dad as a nine year old and he will have to find his own coping mechanisms for dealing with that. If it’s a day off a year from school then so be it.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 06:36

LoyalMember · 26/03/2025 09:17

What did he do the last two years when this date fell on the Easter Holidays? Was he particularly mournful and sad? I think he's at it this year. Send him to school.

You think he's 'at it'

he's a kid that doesn't like school, but still has a very good attendance record,

he doesn't have to be outwardly 'mournfuland sad' to not want to have to go and concentrate at school and be around a lot of people.

Where is your compassion for a child that's lost his father??

SassySusie · 27/03/2025 06:34

Yes let him have the day off. I wouldn’t even think twice.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 06:30

Sassybooklover · 26/03/2025 09:14

Whilst you're able to allow him the day off, then do so. However, going forward as he starts having exams, revision etc, staying at home may not be an option. I think perhaps a chat on why he thinks he needs to have the day off, as apposed to going to school would be better? Is he afraid of becoming upset at school? You need to also prepare him for the fact, that staying off school every year on the anniversary is not necessarily going to be possible. A day off means doing something together, to remember his Dad. If he thinks staying off and gaming is better, then, no, off to school.

staying of simply because he doesn't want to be around people is perfectly valid he doesn't have to 'remember his dad' in any prescriptive way, if he just wants to game, watch TV, sleep, whatever. What does it matter? It's what he needs on that day that matters and that is all!!

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 06:25

RedToothBrush · 26/03/2025 09:13

Actually, he potentially COULD choose to take the day as leave if he was an adult.

He is still grieving and I suspect the school will be fully supportive of the reason for him being off school even though its 3 years ago.

Most children do not have to carry the burden of the loss of a parent.

Ultimately its not in his best interests to send him in, if he's feeling like this. Its not as if he's not doing well at school nor is it for a lame excuse.

This is a mental health related issue where he needs support.

The one thing I would add in the context of support, is I wouln't be keen for him to stay home alone though - I would be taking the day off to be there for him. Because he needs you. He doesn't get the day off to just sit home and play computer games or whatever all day. You go do something together and remember Dad - even if its just part of the day. It needs to be focused.

Show quote history

Why can't he just zone out playing computer games if that's what he needs to do?

Why does it have to be focused?

he is entitled to deal with his grief the way he wants to, not by some random thinking he has to do something worthy

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

MissHollysDolly · 27/03/2025 06:15

Of course you should keep him off if he wants to. As an adult if you needed to take the day you’d book leave - kids don’t have that privilege but imagine if you asked your boss for a day off to grieve your dads anniversary and it was denied?

FannyBawz · 27/03/2025 06:07

Some of you are so fucking heartless. This child lost his dad, 3 years ago is nothing. I lost my mum 3 years ago, I’m a big ass adult and it’s a hard hard day for me to get through. So what if he “expects” it every year? He has to live the rest of his life missing his dad…but at least he will feel supported.

SemperIdem · 27/03/2025 06:06

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

I can’t get my head around this response.

We’re talking about a young boy dealing with the loss of a parent, at a formative age, not Hammy the hamster dying.

Let him have the day off @Noideawhatimdoing40. If he needs it off every year, would it really matter in the great scheme of things? Plenty of adults choose to not work on the anniversary of a loved ones passing.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 27/03/2025 06:05

To add, it was actually their dad’s birthday this week. My son went in this year so by doing this you aren’t setting a precedence it’s just how they feel each year. My daughter went in but had to go in late as on the day and day before when we got there she was crying her eyes out because of it. I took her offsite, went and had (another) breakfast and she was an hour late then went to see pastoral.

I wouldn’t listen to any of the comments about sending him in they are obvs from parents who have not had to deal with bereaved children.

Lancasterel · 27/03/2025 06:04

My dad died when I was 18, 25 years ago. For years I found the anniversary date really hard. I would never normally say keep a child off school for something other than illness but in this circumstance, I would!

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 27/03/2025 06:00

I’m a widow with children. If you speak to the school they will authorise it, that’s what I do. My son physically can’t function on these days some years. It’s an overwhelming thing that just happens to him, same as the anniversary of his death. This happens to him without him even without him knowing the actual date his dad died. Grief is tiresome for children- let him have 1 day off!!!!

JustMyView13 · 27/03/2025 05:54

I wouldn’t send him in.
Rather maturely, he has identified a need to have a break from reality on a day that he (probably) still struggles with. People don’t remember what you say or do, they remember how you made them feel. And if you insist on him going in, I’m sure he won’t feel great about it or supported by you.

To everyone saying he can’t take the day off every year… actually he can. Some years it’ll fall on a weekend, as an adult he’ll have the option of booking annual leave, scheduling shifts around it or in the worst case scenario - taking the day off sick.
If he takes the day off school, his grades won’t plummet, and it’ll have no bearing on what his future brings.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 05:48

Gundogday · 26/03/2025 07:56

I’d let him have it off. He’s mature enough to ask for the day off.

Maybe ask what have plans he has for the day, to see if he has any plans, rather than just skiving school.

but you don't have to have 'plans' just not to want to be around people and to not have to hold it together all day & to concentrate on school/work, just to be with your own thoughts and feelings.

Sunblocker · 27/03/2025 05:44

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

And why not? You’re showing him that you appreciate what a huge loss it is and how his young life changed that day. I’m a senior leader in a secondary school and I’d authorise this as a compassionate day off. Have a day with him and do something that helps him grieve; there is no time limit on that.

procrastinatorgator · 27/03/2025 05:39

I can't believe you have to ask this question. He is a child marking the death of a parent! Of course it will be a difficult day for him and he might prefer to be alone and remember his dad. What an awful question. I'm shocked that you even asked.