Day off for dads death

Of course I'd let him have it off. It's a date that is no doubt full of difficult memories and difficult feelings for him. He may be distracted by it all day, even if he's not obviously distressed. On the anniversary of such a close death, I don't schedule anything or talk to anyone and it's been a few years longer. It's a huge loss and he's just a child.

Yes let him have the day off to spend as he chooses. Very tough at that age

I would let him have the day off. There are some really harsh comments here. Why shouldn’t the day be defined by his dad’s death? It was an important day in his life and he’s still grieving.

So what? He’s a kid who’s lost his dad. Why on earth shouldn’t be allowed a day off on the anniversary if it would make it a bit more bearable?

The coldness and lack of compassion in some
of these replies is horrendous - he’s a child!

What does he want to do? If the two of you could so something special together and talk about his dad then it might help him to have the day off. If he just wants to sit around and feel sad I would encourage school.

As an adult it is a choice.

Let him stay at home! It’s a mental health day.

This is both sensible and kind.

He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year.

Why can't he?

Don’t try to restrict the child’s opportunity to grieve. Don’t try to pretend his father didn’t die on x date. He won’t be able to be distracted from his grief.

from experience, not allowing a child to grieve when he asks to can have untold long term impact.

having said that, I’m one who avoids missing school if at all possible. I’d probably tell him he needs to go to school on that day, but make sure the anniversary is marked before and after school if he wants to. Conversations, dad’s favourite meal, a trip to a special place. Give him an easy time on that day. And before/after.

Will you be with him or would he be at home alone that day?

I lost my Dad at a similar age to your son. For me having the day off wouldn’t have been the right move and bringing normality to the day was important and worked for me. Everyone is different though so I think you need to be led by him. Have you done anything specific to mark the day in previous years when it’s fallen in the holidays that he will have to miss out on this year?

I would keep him off and let him mark the day however he wishes.
These things are important. One day off isn’t going to wreck his education, sending him in on such an important day to him might effect your relationship with him though. He will remember this day whichever you choose to do. I really would respect his wishes on this one.

It’s one very difficult day. So what it he asks again.

he might continue this tradition for the rest of his life. A day to think about his dad.

and that’s okay.

Why can't he have the day off every year? It's one day and his attendance is otherwise great.

I usually take the anniversary of my mum's death off work.

I’d let him have it off. He’s mature enough to ask for the day off.

Maybe ask what have plans he has for the day, to see if he has any plans, rather than just skiving school.

Have you previously marked the day in some way, or just spent the time together quietly? If so, I can see why he'd want to continue doing that. He also may just not want to explain to his friends why he's finding that day hard.

I'm surprised at how many posters are saying he'll expect this every year or that it sets a precedent for mourning. He's always going to have lost his dad at a young age - no amount of distraction is going to change this. If he needs to take this day every year, that's not a big deal and seems to me a pretty healthy way of living with grief.

As its come from him I would talk to him about how he wants to mark the day and let him stay off..I wouldn't particularly set up any traditions around it but having a day to think and feel.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread because a few answers made me so angry.

It's seven years since dh died. I still take time off on the anniversary.

Your son has asked for your help. Yes I think you should allow him to be off school. Take the day yourself and offer him a couple of choices to do something nice together- go for lunch or tea, a countryside walk, a movie maybe.

It entirely depends on how he is in himself. If he's likely to snap and shout at people or cry, or get in trouble for zoning out, or feel really miserable, keep him off.

If he's chancing it slightly and will be okish, agree to do something special for dad at the weekend.

I lost my mum when I was 11. It didn't occur to me to ask for a day off but I do remember some years that caught me much harder than others. I often found the week leading up to the anniversary just as hard as the day itself.

Let him stay off. It’s only 3 yrs. my dad died 6 yrs ago and I’m still a mess on his anniversary. He will thank you for it if not now but when he’s older.

Yes, he should be allowed to take that day off. If he spends it stupidly this year (although who says that gaming is a bad way to deal with a difficult day?) you can always reconsider next year.

Adults get mental health days too if they so wish!

@Noideawhatimdoing40
As you can see from this thread asking the general public won't give a clear steer.

What do you believe about feelings generally? Have you had any support in supporting him, and what are you planning for the day yourself?

Of course I would.

https://winstonswish.org/coping-with-anniversaries-when-bereaved/#:~:text=Set%20aside%20a%20special%20place,a%20few%20moments%20to%20remember. This advice from winstons wish may be helpful for you both.

for some reason the link seems to go to halfway down the article so you will have to scroll up!

He’s 12 years old! Whatever happened to a bit of kindness and compassion?