When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

I dont think of it as a comperition and I think those who have to have deep thoughts over what is a day taken from a religious begining into a way to make people spend lots of money have bigger issues going on

To me it is a day for me to chose what works for that year on that day, next year may be different or the previous year

This sounds utterly delightful!

I would say the moment you became a mum. Definitely prioritise yourself, it doesn’t make you selfish, no matter how much your mum tries to guilt trip you. I would just send flowers and a card to your mum (if you feel like it) and spend the day with your children however you wish. You’re a mum too, you deserve to be celebrated the way you’d like.

Suggest that she treat your Nan, her mum, to lunch/dinner.

I spend Mother's day with my mum, my own family plus my sister and her children but we do the same every Sunday.

My mum is an easy going person overall though so she'd never want me to do all that fuss for her.

Prioritise your children and yourself. It's about time you get to enjoy the day. There's no way you should be catering to her every whim, she sounds incredibly selfish!

What would you like your children to do in the future when they're parents? I'd imagine you'd want them to have a day where they're pampered and treated and their hard work in parenting is appreciated (either on mother's day or fathers day, whichever is applicable).

What you model now while they're young is what they'll see as the norm. If they see you running yourself ragged and sacrificing your happiness for the sake of someone who neither appreciates nor deserves you, they'll think that's the norm.

If they see you break the cycle and prioritize your happiness and your time with the people you want to spend it with, they'll be able to do the same for themselves in the future, without the emotional baggage attached that you're feeling now.

Breaking the cycle isn't easy, but as someone who is fairly recently no contact with Marc/extremely dysfunctional parents, it's the most important thing you'll ever do for yourself and your own kids ❤️

So do this. Decide what you want and do it. It's okay not to do what your mother wants.

I have a similar mother OP, apart from Mothers Day when she most surprisingly gave me a card and flowers for my first Mother’s Day after having a baby saying that it was my turn now! I do give her a card and flowers otherwise I’m sure she would sulk. But no other fuss required.

Other occasions are a different matter mind you!

I agree with other posters that you should spend the day how you want to. And enjoy!

It's usually mine, my mom and my sister's day, given we're all mothers.

You're incredibly self aware OP, which is great, there are so many posts on here of people with in laws like your mum, yet their spouses continually make excuses for them and refuse to accept their parents are doing anything wrong and it causes no end of relationship problems. It's no surprise for exactly the reason you said, it is what they have been brought up to believe is normal.

I think knowing is half the battle, and suitably dealing with it is the other half, forget 'mothers day', this is an all year round problem and it definitely isn't too late to start putting yourself and your family first above that, if they can't accept it then it's tough. Nothing should be done for people because it is 'expected', it should be done for people because you WANT to do it and you take pleasure in doing it, if you don't feel either of those thing you are just doing it out of obligation and it is meaningless.

I hope you have a fantastic day, knowing that things are about to change for the better!

I have a narc mother and stopped seeing her on mother's day after my son was born. I send her a text and just ignore the carrying on. Sometimes I even get a nice extended period without her talking to me which is nice. Otherwise I just ignore her texts and calls until she is ready to pretend it never happened.
One year she did trick me by inviting my MIL and FIL and SIL etc around to hers for a mother's day lunch. I almost refused but they already had accepted so felt I had to go. Of course in the days leading up to it she became way to unwell to cook and kept leaving messages asking for help which I ignored . A few days before my DH booked a yum cha lunch for everyone instead (to not leave anyone in the lurch).

No idea...49 with a 20yo DD and it still hasn't happened yet.

My mum isn't as full on yours by a long way but there's still a certain amount of expectation there.

This year DD is at uni so we'll do something when she's home.

When you don’t have a mum anymore..

In my family you’re a mother for Mother’s Day purposes as soon as you become a mother, including being a pregnant expectant mother. If you don’t have any living children that also means you’re a mother and it’s a day for honouring that.

I don’t think it matters how old your children are, it’s my mother in law’s Mother’s Day as much as mine (I’m a mum to a one year old and was celebrated on the Mother’s Day when I was pregnant and then again with my baby).

However it’s not on you to be organising everything, and your mother sounds very selfish for expecting you to go all out for her without acknowledging that you’re a mum so it’s also a day for celebrating that.

All the mothers/grandmothers are celebrated equally in my family and it’s mainly the fathers/husbands job to do the organizing, planning and actual “work” of Mother’s Day along with the children, including adult children who are not yet mothers.

Then on Father’s Day the women and children in the family do the same in reverse.

@GettingChunkier TBF to DM, she had moved from the city to the country when she married so we had plenty of occasions when we were piled into the car after work and driven away.

I then moved to the city when I married so she knew the score. And she was a lovely DM and a doting GM for the three years of it she managed.

My DF (90 now) has always come to me for occasions happily but this past week said the drive at Easter might now be beyond him. So, I need to think about managing that. Life goes on.

I've been a parent for 16 years. Some years I do lunch for my mum, some years I just drop off a card and present and have the rest of the day for me. So there's been no cut off date for me. I did make extra efforts on mothers day for the first couple after my grandmother passed away as I appreciated that would be a difficult day for her so I wanted to try and ease it.

Mother’s Day becomes your day the second you give birth. I have a narc mother and haven’t pandered to her nonsense for 20 years. Ignore the sulking and enjoy your Mother’s Day.

@GettingChunkier thank you.

I’m out now. XH can go on his own to celebrate his Mummy dear.
I’m happy to stay with my kids because I love them.

Funnily enough last year was my first MD solo as we split and for the first time ever my XH asked what I wanted to do for MD as I was after all a mother 😂 no shit Sherlock

I do stuff for my mum (and mil) on Mother’s Day and that’s fine until my boys have their own money (the eldest is 3) and they can take me out.

There’s nothing wrong about honouring all the mothers in the family.
The problem arises when one of them wants to monopolise the day and to hell with everybody else and the fact that they are mothers too.

Similar behaviour with Christmas when they claim they absolutely HAVE TO see the family on the day.

The dynamics of parent- child between adult has a lot to answer for. The adult child is no longer subordinate of their adult parent so doesn’t need to comply with their (unreasonable) expectation. The expectation that the parent is a centre piece of the day and if their want of grandiose appreciation is not fulfilled then it’s met with sulking,being passive-aggresive and emotional blackmail.

Maybe I’m biased because my MD was always the same. Up with the kids early as my parenting avoidant XH was not getting up. Flowers and card were either left on the table for me or given to me before we went to XMIL for nearly a whole day because she HAD TO celebrate Mother’s Day and fuck mine.

I wouldn’t mind the compromise but my needs/wants didn’t matter. I spent MD chasing after my 2 kids not in their home environment while the rest of adults sat down on their arses.

By the time I became a mum, my parents were retired. My DM just said “you are a working family and we are retired. We are coming to you”. They lived three hours away so it meant they were here for the weekend. I had to host my db’s, too, but at least I am in my own home.

No. No at all. It happens when your children are able to organise something meaningful for you and not rely on anyone else to do it for them. Not their Dad and certainly not your Mum. Otherwise it becomes wives/partners day or daughters day.

Daughter of a mum who's given me some very odd behaviour over the years. Can't cope with anyone else being the focus. Actually threw a tantrum when I became a mum because she wasn't the 'mum' of the family anymore. Just giving you context so you know that I see you and I get it.

Don't feel guilty. Reinforce that as your kids have quite a big age gap you really want to enjoy Mother's Days while they're both still at home. Send a card and gift so she can't play the victim too much and say you can meet up with her another time. Also give your DH a kick up the butt for not supporting you more!