When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

I took over hosting Mother’s Day when I was 24 and had my own property but no children and carried on doing so until my mum died when I was 57. To be fair she wasn’t like your mum, was very appreciative and played with the kids when they came along whilst I cooked a meal.
My kids are now adults (no grandchildren) and treat me; we are going away for the week and from experience will lavish me with presents. That’s not because I expect it more because that’s what they like to do.

@MyMonkeyDanced you need to put a stop to this. Mil can see her 'child' (Dh can go by himself to visit) and you can stay home with yours!

What stood out to me is that you are an only child so that does put a lot of the onus on you (rightly or wrongly). I think the best thing would have been to set the precedent as soon as you became a parent. That being said it's never to late to set boundaries but surely you can see doing nothing would cause some issues. Instead in this case I would have spoken to your mum and arranged to go for lunch in a cafe the day or weekend before and then spent the actual day with your own children.

In my situation I'm one of 4 and live furthest away. Each of us does something for mum so one sibling will take her for a meal the weekend before and give a gift one will take her for a massage or facial as a gift, the other sees her on the day for a meal and gifting and I (usually) send a present, card, flowers and phone her on the day. My dad stepped up when we were children but still makes her breakfast in bed.

Mothers day is about me since I have had kids and I won't shuttle between my mum and mil every year as I deserve to celebrate the day how I want to and that is with my young family. We often do softplay, national trust visit, adventure park and either a homemade afternoon tea or one out. Sometimes dh will cook a meal but often we go out. We see mil on the day for an hour or so around our plans or the day before. She wouldn't go for a mothers day meal without both sons and that means I would be subject to sil's company and can do without it. When we have tried in the past I end up compromising to the point where afternoon tea becomes dessert at a restaurant, a cuisine we eat at home regularly and the meal is at a time that suits mil which means it is too late for our kids, who then get tired and ratty. Basically no fun for me which is why I wouldn't agree to it.

Not read the whole thread but I think the way forward for you is reframing it in your mind as in breaking away from this awful situation with your mum, you are doing something that benefits your own children. They need to have the opportunity to do things for you, to celebrate you and show their love. It's good for children's development and in making your mother the centre of everything, it denies your own children the enjoyment of spoiling you on Mother's Day. Also remember that you are as important a person as anyone else and you deserve this. She's had far more years of having it all her own way than you have!

First time is the hardest but after that it will get easier.

My eldest is 11 and I am still waiting for my first Mother’s Day too! But it isn’t my mum- it’s my mother in law. She demands to see her son (my DH) and the children. So I have to go too or spend the day on my own…. Same for Christmas

it sucks- especially as my mum is ill (as is my MIL) so would like to be with her. My MIL has rolled out each year for the last 10 years that “this may be my last one”.

I have a narc mam too, the type when I ask if there's anything she fancies for bday/mothers day, she responds with something really expensive and fully expects you to buy it. Then sulks if you don't. Everything is about her and always will be. After I started having kids I just stroke her ego in a different way, so that I can have a decent mother's day that's not centred around her. So we play on the nana side of mothers day, how we want to show off what an amazing nana she is etc, all for face value obviously. So I might plan a day at a pub with softplay for me and kids and then insist my mam join us for "her special day". I'm never gonna change who she is but this stops the drama, keeps her the main focus in her eyes, but ensures I have the exact day I want 🤷‍♀️ the odd time she's said she didn't want to come, I've said I've already booked it but why don't you pop round my brothers first and we'll come straight to your house after with a special gift. Seems to keep her happy anyway.

I'm sending Mum a box of brownies this year, and a card. She's going to be happy with that. My DB will probably send flowers.

My DD wanted to make a big thing this Sunday but I'm working, plus I don't have a lot of money, so it's not viable. I said a card will do. I don't like to make too much of a fuss.

Op do what suits you she moan anyway. I dont bring mine out she really hard work. I call in to her Saturday.

I’m 53 and this is the first Mother’s Day where I am putting myself first and not cooking, booking a meal out. I’ve told my brothers it’s their turn. I can’t wait.

What’s really baffling is that her mother is still alive… And yet she sees no obligation to treat her in the same way she expects to be treated.

I don’t expect my adult dc to pander to me. They are mothers too now. I want it to be their day. After all they are the ones in the thick of it bringing up young dc.

I’ll see one on Saturday for a brunch we’ve booked, a treat to ourselves. The actual day my youngest dc (teens) and I are going shopping. I’ll see two on Monday for lunch at mine.

don’t feel guilty. Enjoy your day x

It never happened. When my mum was alive we usually took her for lunch. Year after year she said she thought my DC would be taking me out. She's been gone many years and I'm still waiting, never been taken out. They never forget though.

My husband has a mother like yours, so I understand what you mean and how she makes you feel when she doesn't get what she wants. And how others (like your dad) try and enforce her getting what she wants because it's easier for them.
In my family, my mum told me and my sisters when we had children, that mother's day was about us now as the mothers who are currently caring for children, and not to worry about her. When we lived close, I liked celebrating it with her because she's a wonderful mum , still so supportive of me as an adult. She doesn't try and make everything about herself, so her company is enjoyable. One year my sister and I made a high tea for her at my house and she was so greatful that she cried.
You are allowed to do what you want for the day, it's your mother's day too. I think just a small gift and card from you as an adult is pretty common.

I could have written this post 5 years ago. It’s hard but you will have to book something for your own little family. I call up to my mum in the afternoon for an hour or so but other than that the day is ours now. The first year breaking the cycle was hard for me as my mum expects the entire family to revolve around her house. Christmas, new years, Easter Sunday, Mother’s Day etc. Breaking the trend for events at her house has not gone down well. You just have to stay firm and make it about you. When we included my mum the kids would have always been in her arms/fed by her or always cuddling her and I felt sad that it was Mother’s Day and it felt like granny’s day. I would have loved them cuddles. I was honest with my husband about it and he stopped letting my family take over from then on in.

Can you do that on the Saturday? It could be worse, for me it will mean driving out for a meal with my mother in law and all of my husband’s family, orchestrated by my sister in law (husband’s brother’s wife) so it may even include her own mum! But to me it’s just another Sunday really…

Just can it altogether and avoid the angst. We don’t do Hallmark Holidays in our household. Much better if both parents and kids show each other their appreciation (goes both ways) in an organic way in general, rather than a forced display on one day. You will find all your current problems re Mother’s Day will disappear👍.

Never did. It was never an either /or.

we all ground my parents on Mother’s Day for buffet - usually my dad does BBQ with kids.

But then we never made Mother’s Day a “thing” - flowers and card given - so it was a day to be with family with all mums together and my brother and then his wife.

my my does a few years ago and we don’t do it now

Don’t give in! I’m a mother to adult kids and I’m always delighted by whatever effort they make for Mother’s Day. It’s normally a visit but I’d be happy with a little message too. She sounds like very hard work-and doesn’t appreciate what you do. So send her a message and concentrate on making Mother’s Day fun for your own children.

To me, Mother’s Day is more for the children who want to show their mum some appreciation. Primary aged children love making cards, bringing up breakfast in bed, etc. So Mother’s Day is “mine” as long as I have children in the house who actually want to do all of that. Once it begins to feel like a chore for them, it’s no longer a big thing.

I send my mum flowers and chocolate and FaceTime her because I want to, but if I forgot I can’t imagine DM being fussed about it, just like I wouldn’t be if teen DD spent all her pocket money on lashes rather than a £3 bunch of flowers from Lidl (likely scenario!)

In a nutshell, it sounds like you’ve hit the nail on the head with your DM being selfish and dramatic, OP. Spend Mother’s Day how you and your children want to spend it.

I take a card and chocolates to my mother the day before. I spend my day doing what I want to do. Mothers day is about me now, as an active mother.

The whole thing is bullshit. My mother has never expected anything. Neither have I

You shouldn’t have to exhaust yourself trying to please her because it’s a certain day

Soon as I had a kid but we never did big nonsense stuff tbh. Now the kid's left home and my own mum's dead so I'm not expecting anything. Hope you can salvage something nice, OP.

In my case, it was our mothers’ day, then when we had children it became a shared day. Why does it have to be one or the other?

The busiest Sunday for the last 3 years and no doubt again this year…Father’s Day. By around 20% busier than mothers day

No my mum did not cease to be a mother when I had a baby.

I get the OP has a complicated situation but the vast majority of people still see their mums as a mother even after they’ve got their own children.

I celebrate my mum on Mother’s Day and my kids celebrate me.