When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

As a PP said further back in the thread, congratulations OP. It sounds like you’ve reached the point where you’re breaking the pattern for your own good.
Of course she’ll sulk and send passive aggressive messages via her flying monkeys, because that’s what narc’s do to get their way.
You’ve been bullied and hoodwinked into accepting that having to do her bidding is normal. It’s not and especially not as an adult with your own family.
Explain what you are doing for Mother’s Day, send her some flowers and put her out of your mind. Your duty is done. Stick with that decision and see how liberated you feel. Be comfortable in the fact you are making a rational and balanced decision and enjoy the period of no contact this will bring you.
Solidarity ✊

Tell her it’s Mothering Sunday not Mother’s Day. That is the USA import.
Then go off and spend time with the places spaces and people who make YOU feel mothered.

I personally would be happy to see Mother's day scrapped. What an utter shit show it's turned into for thousands of people. Fathers day just does not attract the same angst.
People who have recently lost their mothers or who knows that this is their last mother's day.
People who have lost their babies.
People who are going through IVF.
People who wish they had better mothers or better kids.

Collectively, it's a lot of pain for a bunch of daffodils and a box of dairy milk.

All very nice if you all live close to each other. Many families are scattered.

I’m sending you lots of love and thoughts. I’ve a narcissistic mother too and yes she is exactly like this. She expects lavish thoughtful gifts and a long visit from us and our children. She sits like a queen on the throne accepting
her presents sneering when there is something she thinks isn’t good enough.

This year she is very ill and
will probably be her last. She is guilting us all into
going
there for the full day on Sunday. My MIL doesnt
get a look in and my lovely kids make it clear I’m special.

Next year will be my year. Sending you strength and
positivity! Xx

Solidarity here too.
Mother same as yours. Its horrendous.
Please be firm and do not end up doing what she expects from you. Have your day, do what you like to do. Ignore he sulking. Think that if you don't stop you will never enjoy your own life.
I'm doing therapy thanks to my narcissistic mother. I know exactly how it feels xxx

I have a narc Mum @GettingChunkier . Sending solidarity, it was horrendous as a child and she’s still a complete nightmare today! Must have been especially hard as an only child, at least I have siblings to share the load and to complain to each other.

I was the first sibling in my family to have a baby. And I did put my foot down on that first year - I told her that Mother’s Day is primarily for Mums who are in the thick of active parenting with young children. And that it was my day now. You can imagine how well that went down. There was a huge tantrum and fall out.

Having my first child was my turning point in standing up to my Mum and the start of going low contact with my parents. It was the best thing I ever did.

I still send a card and flowers on Mother’s Day (but I make sure it’s the shittest card in the shop, with no best Mum message!) But the day is now spent with me spending lovely time with my children.

It’s not too late to make this year your turning point to lay boundaries with her. There will be a tantrum, a huge attempt to guilt trip you etc. But just stand firm and refuse to debate it. It is time for you not to lift a finger and to be celebrated at Mother’s Day. She can choose to put on a lovely day hosting her own Mother if she so wishes.

I have made it very clear to my adult DC & DC in laws that as soon as any of them have a child it is their turn. I've had my turn and it will be time to step back.

The year I became a mum I set my still out and told my mum and mother in law that mothers days were now mine… they had had 36 of them and it was now my turn….

I still feel every bit as much of a mother as I ever did. The fact that my DDs are in their 30s and one of them has children of her own doesn't make me less of a mother. I support with childcare, I drop everything to help my DDs when there's a problem, I've helped them financially, and I love them dearly. I'm their mum.

I'm not narcissistic so don't expect the day to revolve around me. But nor do I understand the posts by those who think mothers of mothers don't count on Mother's Day.

Surely in a "normal" family it is about striking a balance so that all the mothers feel appreciated. We generally have my Mum, MIL, my Dsis round, and the DH's DC's do the cooking, so that none of the Mums have to lift a finger. Its not more about one than the other. But yes, I appreciate that only being possible where no one thinks they must be the center of attention.

I usually get in first with a preplanned idea for the Saturday otherwise I'm tense the entire day as I don't know what she will be planning, but this year shes already had her gifts this year as she popped round unexpectedl and saw them then took them with her. They've already been drunk so I am expecting complaints when there are no flowers or any replacements for Sunday but shes away for the weekend so my phone will be on silent and my weekend is my own.

Mate, you need your own thread.

And a backbone. Your poor mum!

It's just a day. There are more than enough days in the year for both you and your mother to be celebrated. It doesn't make it any lesser if one of you gets taken out a week earlier or a week later. Neither of you need to "own" the day.

Tbh if you're so unappreciated year-round by your family that you use one day a year as a measuring post, you have bigger issues to deal with.

I visit mine briefly in the morning with flowers and then the rest of the day I spend with DD and DH celebrating me! Or I visit on the Saturday and just say DD and DH have planned a special Mother’s Day for me so we will celebrate her on the Saturday. I’m sure she would rather join us on the day but she just accepts it because I am firm and clear.

She’s not as much of a narc as yours but let’s just say I took her for breakfast last weekend and she didn’t ask how I was, how work was or in fact a single question about me and that’s the same every single week. It’s always all about her. If I ever try to talk about something happening in my life she literally zones out so I don’t bother now.

I feel cheated of the mother/daughter bond my friends have with their mums. It must be wonderful to have a multi generational celebration of mothers in a family where you all love being together but as that’s not our situation I now have very clear boundaries and no guilt about spending the day with my wonderful DD.

YANBU

However, this takes planning. You know she will come down with a Mystery Illness or find some other way to ruin your day.

I would think about strategies to counter this.

1. you could tell her you are going away but don’t actually do it.
2. Everyone turns their phones off all day. But you have a teen so that might be tricky.
3. You ride out the storm without responding. If that causes her to go NC, you celebrate.

Surely you can tell your DH that you will be taking your children to visit your mum this year? Why do your DH and your MIL get to dictate how you spend your Mother's Day? It sounds really unfair. She can demand to see your DH but not your children. It's your Mother's Day too and your wishes should come before what your MIL and DH want.

Well done to your ex, what did you end up doing?

OP you could be writing about my mother , so much of it resonates. I won’t bore you with the details but over the years I have been ‘ required’ to spoil my mum every Mother’s Day ( especially as my brother estranged from her ) . Presents , cards , cards from the cats , meal out , flowers , chocs , you get the picture . My epiphany came when a friend asked why I did all this as my mother has never been a mother . She’s a true narc who left the family home when we were 7 & 9 and has only ever put herself first . If she didn’t get her way we were ‘ cruel ‘ . Well no more . I do my duty now she gets a card , small box chocs and small spring flowers on the day and then I make sure not to see her the rest of the year bar b’day & Xmas where time spent and spending has significantly reduced . I don’t have kids myself but I’ve seen enough from others about how mothers should treat their kids .
good luck OP , small scale and reduce overall contact . Your DF needs to find a backbone and tell her why she’s driven you away .

We don’t live near either Mums. We try to take turns, and most of the time we the Saturday we each go to visit our own Mums and leave Sunday for us.

Im the eldest so if I do arrange something on the Sunday I arrange for all of us to go, if I didn’t not sure either one of my sisters would make the same effort.

No pressure, this weekend we are each going to see our Mums and the Sunday will be a chilled day for us!

I think the moment you have a child you are then the working mother. When dc leave home it becomes different again.

Mine gets a card, some flowers or chocolates and i pop round for a cuppa.

My kids I get a card each and a bottle of wine or some flowers. But the world keeps turning, I still do the washing, the washing up, cook dinner. I find it all just a gimmick.

Moghers day became mine when I had a child. My mum used to get a card and small gift delivered thecday before, she died recently so it's just my mil who will get a bunch of flowers/chocolates delivered this Saturday

My hardworking daughter will spend the day being spoiled at home and sends me flowers. I will cook a roast for my elderly mother, who just wants to be with us. Agree , it is mums at the coal face who deserve a lovely day. Me and my Mum don’t expect it all to revolve around us.You should ignore your mum.’s sulks.

Why can’t it be both?

I wish my mother a happy Mother’s Day and my DD wishes me a happy Mother’s Day.

I get it twice because I expect something both on UK’s Mother’s Day and then later on in my country’s Mother’s Day 💅🏻🫣