When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

It can and should be both. But if you have a difficult relationship with your DM that’s very different!

I don’t ask to be spoiled on Mothering Sunday. A card and some flowers is more than enough. We saw MIL last week and have invited my DM over with DF in the evening (they’re on their way back from seeing friends).

We’ll go to church then are hosting DS’s birthday party then hopefully DM will drop in, but nothing big here. It’s not a big deal to me.

When you stop pandering to commercialist shite and this idea that you HAVE to do something for mother's day.

You hoist yourself by the expectations around the day.

Stop it. Free yourself from these stupid ideas of 'tradition'. Have your own family traditions that work for you all better - select a 'celebrate your mother, celebrate your MIL, celebrate me as a mother day' of your own choosing. Sit down, talk as a family about why you like the idea of the day but think its bollocks to do it to the expectations of society in this way. Select an alternative time table that works better for you all. Tell people who pull faces about it, that its tough shit and you won't be doing this expensive commerical shite however you like the sentiment and want to make a day thats even better and even more special thats just for them and ISN'T their birthday.

I think the same for Christmas. To an extent for Christmas you are stuck with certain days, but given so many families work shifts or have multiple family gatherings I think we should all be much more open to doing things differently and work for us all better rather than thinking we MUST have turkey even when no one likes it and we MUST do x, y and z because its 'expected'.

No its bloody not. If you don't do things in this way, the world will not implode.

Make these things work for you, rather then you work for these things.

Why doesn't your mum see the irony that HER daughter (you) has to rush around after her but she, as a daughter, doesn't have to do anything for her mother? All new patterns have to start somewhere, so you do you this year, as you've told her and do the same next year until that's the pattern. Send her a card and flowers (via delivery) and nothing else from now on!

When you have babies, personally that’s when Mother’s Day becomes about you, that phase when your whole life is mothering. Now that it’s not so intense I’m happy to alternate, last year we went to mils for half the day so this year I plan to do a family outing that suits me. My mum is very relaxed about seeing us sometime on the weekend, she recognises we don’t have a lot of free time between work and kids activities. If I had your mum I think the best plan is to message her happy Mother’s Day in the morning and hand your phone to your dh for her reply to come in and then he blocks her for the day.

Because they’re the ones in the thick of the daily work of mothering

@Mnetcurious

Mothers, who are caring for one or more adult disabled DC, and helping out with DGC, are just as much in the thick of the work 24/7 of mothering. There’s no respite of school either with adults, too ill to work, but who can be up all night!

I wish I knew, and I'm 55 with a grown up child of my own. My mother expects me to taxi her to and from the pub where we're having lunch (she can well afford to pay for a taxi), as well as paying for said lunch. I'd just like a day for myself.

Not really fussed by these "card" days particularly. I would take my DM a card and gift or take her out for lunch at another date when she was alive.
I tend to maybe get a card or some chocs now my girls are teens.
It's just never been a big show off your love for the benefit of others type day, not being snarky but I can imagine that's what Narc DM wants. You see a lot of it on SM.

Stick to your guns maybe say your DH and kids want to take you out this year. Drop your DM a card and plant or something, suggest she takes her DM out!

I did both for many years. Not so much now. Used to wake up to a lovely morning with the children and then later on visit both our mums and take them a small gift, like a plant or something. That was it, nothing lavish.
I don't usually manage even that now, but my mum is the type of person who is happy with a posted card and tells us all not to get her anything, and we'll meet up on another day. We have something planned in a couple of weeks (not related) I'll probably just see her then.

In my family, mother's day is primarily for the mums who are doing the active parenting. They are made a fuss of by their kids and their DH (at the moment that's me, my sister and SIL). My first mother's day was the year my first baby was born. On mother's day I generally get tea, cards and gifts in bed. Then I get up when I fancy. Endless cups of tea and meals cooked for me. And homemade cake.

That means that my own DM's mother's day celebration happens the week before (we had DM and DD over on Sunday just gone, for a meal and gave her gifts and card), the day before (brother and SIL taking mum out for a meal this coming Saturday), and the weekend after (sister having her round to hers). Although we'll all phone her on mother's day itself. When my gran was still alive, when I was a child, it was just the same, my mum was the focus then.

The moment my DD becomes a mother, the day is primarily about her and I'd take a back seat.

I remember on my first mother's day, my mum gave me daffodils and wished me a happy mother's day too and it was lovely to be recognised by her in an equal way

I was similar growing up, but I had 2 brothers as well (they didn't share the load) and they would expect me as a child to sort their mothers day gifts out and 'chip in' with the money and get all the praise from her for their zero effort, yet I ran around like a loon amd got no praise.
Me and my mother always clashed until my dad got sick, and I nursed him. He didn't last long, and he died when I was 25. Only then did my mother see me as a human being and actually give a damn (she was all for her boys).
Fast forward to when I met my now husband at age 33. When we got pregnant, he took myself and our bump out for a posh Mother's Day meal, and put his foot down with my mum (who was a bit like yours, all about her). His mum was understanding (she was heavenly my MIL) and accepted that he could only pop over and see her for an hour of a morning, before treating me.
My mother spat her dummy out and he put his foot down before I had a chance to 😆 he said that I'm (me) going yo be a mother soon, and I will need a nice day to relax and be spoilt. She's had years of spoiling and to back the F off.
Funnily enough she listened (she had no choice) and that was the start of boundaries being set in regards to Mothers day and other special occasions.
Even on Christmas we do our own thing (that's another convo).
I'm sorry your mum is being a narcissistic cow. It's hard when you grow up with a domineering mother who is all about her self. I found it draining and thought it was normal. I'm lucky as DH will see her for what she is and takes none of her BS. The funny thing is, she absolutely adores my DH because he stands up to her and stands up for me. It's a funny old world.
Enjoy mothers day xxx

This.

Last year my sons took me out for lunch a week or so later. It was lovely to spend time with them. On the actual day they spent time with their wives and children. We're doing the same this year.

If her mother is still alive surely she should spend the day pandering to her.

You get what you tolerate OP. You've tolerated crap for far too long.

I don't 'do' money making opportunity days such as Mothers day/Valentines or even birthdays/anniversarys. I detest all cards and gifts as pointless trivial waste of money.

My chosen relationships are worth more than cards. They are worth daily care and attention to the people I love and rather less to those I don't love, but have a filial duty to.

So I'll call my mother some time in the month of March and I will ignore mother's day, probably working anyway. My children will be nice to me on that day, as I expect them to be most days.

OP, please put yourself first.
I am about the same age as your mother and also a grandmother. I hope my grandchildren will be spending the day with their mothers, spoiling them rotten.
I believe that MD should always be about the mothers who are actively involved in parenting. These years are special and you won’t get them back.
When I grew up (1950s and 1960s) MD was only ever about a small bunch of flowers that young children gave to their mothers. No older mothers were celebrated.
Some older mothers are becoming more demanding. My mother was like this and wanted to spend MD with all her children and all her grandchildren. On the other hand, she did not want to spend it with her own mother who was elderly. This happened once and once only. I am fairly LC with my mother now for many reasons.

I think mother's day starts being about you once you've had a child. We do exactly what I want on that day.
We now celebrate with my mum/mil the day or week before/after.
Surely by you mums standards she should be planning for her own mum, and not you for your nan?
Stand your ground. She is not more important than you are.

@Reugny I think it just started during covid and once started it becomes an expectation.

It's interesting how different things are in different families, and sadly, how awful some mothers are.

I've always seen it as a day to make a point of being with your mother, rather than being spoiled. For me it's best when the mothers and grandmothers spend it together, it doesn't really matter what we do. Often my mum has cooked, but she's getting older. This year my DSs and I are cooking for her.

We do cards, but not presents beyond a bunch of daffs, which I love at this time of year.

Yep you’ve got a narc mum.

if my daughter had a baby I’d be round there taking food and flowers. I’ve had my turn!

I’ve a Narc MIL who thinks she is the sun and everyone else are planets revolving around her.

She likes to “punish” her DC when they don’t do as they are commanded. She tries that with me, but it has the opposite effect to what she expects.

I have invited my MIL quite a few times for MD lunch etc. She expects to be invited and to hold centre throne on all special occasions, oh except when it doesn’t suit her, but the next time she’ll expect us to fall into line.

PIL have spent a few special occasions e.g. Christmas on holiday, and so I’ve taken that as a reset. We now do what we want. Because of this we have been punished. So, we asked her to join us for a lovely MD lunch and she has told us she prefers to spent MD with her other DC (who is too scared to stand up to her). That’s fine, in fact bloody great. We’ll call her when we get back and I’ll tell her all about my champagne lunch.

I think a really good benchmark for us all is that MD is all about those in the thick of it, with a nod to Grandmas.

Sadly my husband didnt mark mother's day in his house growing up, so I don't get mother's day either! I'm kind of over it now DC are 15&17.

However my mum still expects a card and a present. But she doesn't get aything else and we don't see each other on the day usually.

I treat my mum and my kids treat me! Every mother is important!

When you give birth, surely. You've let this happen. Make this the year you fix it.

We (two women) have children (my steps) and mums in the mix. My mother was narc. Mothers day had to all be about her. Even when I became a step-parent and our kids wanted to do nice things for us. The kids also had to pay homage, and we all had to go to her.
My mother-in-law? Complete opposite. Made sure the kids had got a card, present and flowers for their mum, for the first couple of years that I was on the scene. Then she made sure I was included too, in helping the kids to buy cards & gifts. We do the same for her, but she's always been insistent that the kids and their mum come first. She's had her turn and now it's her daughter's turn.
It's been eye-opening to see how a 'normal' family dynamic works! Sending you solidarity @GettingChunkier You sound to have drawn a line in the sand. Your mother might never really acknowledge that you're now an adult and a mother, because that means loosening the power she has over you. I hope you have a lovely mother's day with your children.

Do what is within your control. You can't control your mother's feelings and reactions but you can change completely choose what you want to do on the day.

When my 3 were young we visited both mums on the day with cards and usually flowers and then had the morning and evening just us. But this was donkeys years ago when visiting your parents regularly was a thing not like now when apparently every body is too busy to visit.
Anyway you are absolutely doing the right thing to put yourself yourself first when your mum is so awful.

OP you have my sympathies… I have a mother just like yours … every single day is draining with her. Fortunately I have an amazing sister so we share the pain together 🤣 but any celebration really has to be centred around my mothers wants/ needs etc and if they are not her satisfaction (rarely are) we can expect hysterical tears/ sulks/ nasty comments. The fact we both have children on Mother’s Day is frankly irrelevant. Also I recently moved 25 miles away from her as cheaper to rent - she has now moved 2 roads away from me.. mostly to manipulate and control me and ensure I’m close enough to run errands, clean her house and be on hand when needed…she milks illnesses (still recuperating from a minor operation 2.5 years ago) and thrives on attention. If you don’t have a mother like it it’s hard to believe there is no changing them. Believe me we’ve tried! For context my mother is 80 I’m mid 40s she’s been like it as long as I remember. I have no advice but I hear you xx