When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

It is the same for me. I am fairly LC. I do still send a card. Last year I thought I had got a really good card and then I opened in up and it said ‘to the best mother in the world’. She was far from that. 😠

It’s crazy that I have to hunt out a card for my mum that has no messages of love or affection on them. Which makes it all the more ridiculous and farcical a situation.

When my mum was alive we didn't really 'do' mother's day. I sent a card when I no longer lived at home.
Since having kids, who are now adults, we have gone out for tea or similar with MIL and the other 'side' (BIL and his fam), but it has also been 'my' day in terms of getting cards and maybe a small gift or chocs. Dh nudge the kids or bought their cards until they were old enough to do so themselves, and now I'm lucky if I get a text from them although DD is quite good at sending cards via Moonpig! DCs not generally here on the day as it's uni term time still.

@GettingChunkier when someone becomes a mum is my opinion. I dropped the rope a bit on Mother's Day a few years ago when my mum behaved especially badly. Now l have children it's dropped further. My life is super busy and hers isn't, she is not a great mum or grandmother. Not sure what she's doing Sunday but lm having a lie in, hanging out with husband and children then having a takeaway.

My mum sounds rather similar to yours and one of her phrases you've hinted at is "you're nasty". Definitely one of my mums favourites. Problem is it makes my husband laugh and have the urge to say "lm not playing with you, you're mean!". With people like our mums NOTHING you do is ever good enough and l can't be bothered trying

When I was a kid, Mother’s Day was always about my mum, never my nan (her mum), and now I’ve got kids of my own it’s about me, and I send my mum a card in the post (she doesn’t live close enough to go for lunch or anything anyway).

Ask your mother what’s she doing for her Mum.

The thing is, your mother IS a daughter - so what is SHE planning for her own mother? Crazy

Im surprised Mother’s Day is such a big deal to people. I get my mum a card and a little prezzie and make her a cuppa. That’s it.
I appreciate my mum every day and she knows that. We don’t need a stupid hallmark card day to tell us that.

Do what you want on the day.

with respect OP, (and you know this) your problem is having a narc mother and an enabler father not Mother's Day. The solution? break the chains of your upbringing and stop doing it...if not for yourself them for your children. Model a better example for them.

Mothers Day is a wonderful family day for us, like some pp. Three generations all go out for lunch somewhere nice, zero drama, just enjoying each others company, DC playing with their cousins and seeing their grandparents.
You deserve to be celebrated as a mother, but your own mum doesn’t become anything less because of that.

@RedHelenB I stayed at home with my DC.I was in temporary accommodation and skint.I was also off work due to stress XH put me through(huge backstory with abusive relationship). I baked myself the cake I wanted,stuffed faces with my kids and spent time together. School knew about the situation so I got lovely hand made cards 🙂

Zero pressure and running around and not living to anybody expectations anymore

My eldest is 20 and it’s still about my mother 🤦🏻‍♀️

I totally agree with @Mnetcurious
i celebrate it with my husband and daughter. Mother and MIL get send cards/gifts but theyve had 30+ years of us running after them!
also they both live far away and would never want to be together on Mother’s Day so that makes it easier. I would be really upset for husband to go to MIL and me my mum and then not be together with our daughter- no way!

OP, my mum sounds very similar to yours. I'm now nc with her. My brother isn't and for the last few years since I've been nc he's had to do 'mothers day' for her. He can't stand it. One year when my children were under ten years old my dh had planned for us to go to one of the small legoland centres. It was like the world was ending and she fell out with me for weeks.

I think this year will be my first proper mothers day where I'm comfortable (no fall out) and can relax. My children have their regular Sunday activities which I love watch so we're doing that then having a nice dinner. No pressure, no stress, just enjoying being with my children. It'll be bliss.

OP you'll need to wear a hard hat and be ready to brush off what will be thrown at you if you don't do what's wanted. It does get easier, you just have to be steadfast. Best of luck.

Do it then!
You have said you’re not doing anything with/for her and stick to it .
If you choose send some flowers .
Just say oh I am having my own mothers day for the first time in 15 years.

Your issue is having a narcissistic mother, not a 'who should mothers day be for?' issue.

Mothers of mothers don't have to be elbowed off the stage because 'they've had their turn' and it saddens me that there are older posters on this thread who feel they have to make themselves small and say 'oh don't bother about me, I'm not important'.

It's a day for mothers at whatever stage, and distance permitting, it's nice to include all of them in some way at some point in the weekend Though obviously the mother of younger children will of course set the scene because their children live with them!

Mother’s Day became my day when I had my first child, and my mum was fully supportive in this.

You're 15 years behind OP, you’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Enjoy your special day!

That sounds like a lovely happy day @FatLarrysBanned
Enjoy

Isn’t it up to your mum what she does for her own mum?
And depending on what she does for her own mum, you fit in around that and your own children’s plans.

Ignore the histrionics from her, but do just send or take her flowers, card and chocs, the day before or whenever it’s convenient.

Have the mother’s day you want for a change OP.
It really doesn’t have to be the same day-long horror show every year. Nor does it have to be a great expense. It’s just a day to show gratitude and thanks for your mum.
If your dad is upset about your lack of effort he can do something grand himself to show his thanks to her for having been a (good) mum to his child.

I think it becomes your day once you have your own children! Yes many people still get a present/ flowers and a card for their Mum, but I think mothers of young children are the priority as they’re doing the actual mothering day by day.

That said, this year my Mum and I are going for a day out we’d both enjoy with my (teen and tween) children, and I’ll get her a gift.

I’m a single parent for the past several years so I think it’s up to me to make sure I have a nice day - no partner is going to do it for me or make the kids do something nice!(obviously they can arrange a present/ tea in bed etc themselves but they can’t really organise a day out)

My mum died many years ago but when she was alive my siblings and I would buy cards and flowers/plants, visit on the Sunday morning and that was all - there was no grand gestures and there never was between our parents and their mothers either.
When we became mums we still did the same and out DC followed suit - there was no fancy spa days, lunch dates, short breaks, expensive gifts! These weren't necessary, our mum knew we loved her and I would dearly love to be able to give her flowers and a card on Sunday.
I now have two beautiful children who are parents themselves, we know we are loved and don't need a stash of cash spent on us to prove it.

I got my mum a card and usually an Easter egg if timing was right as she was a chocoholic. My children get me a card and flowers:chocolates. None of us made a big deal over it. It was a token acknowledgment with a personal message written in the card. Obviously when they were primary age they made their card at school. They did occasionally bring up a cup of tea in bed.

Sending support and solidarity as one daughter of a narcissist to another, it’s tough.
Something snapped in me over Christmas when I was treated spectacularly badly, and so now I’ve finally given up caring what anyone thinks, I’d putting myself first for a change 😆
This is the first year that she will receive a card only and no visit. I will spend a lovely day with people who actually love me - my kids and husband.

Have you thought about dumping her entirely OP?

I'm old and so is my BFF. Her mother was a monster narc and your descriptions of yours and how it has affected you is so reminiscent of what my friend went through with her ghastly self centred mother.

We are both over 60 now and her life is still affected.

I think you should genuinely consider giving yourself license to dump. There will be a shit storm deluxe but weather it and stand in the light maybe?

It's a load of commercial gubbins just like valentine's day. We don't mark it at all on principle.