When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

I don't know how old I was when my moody and abusive mum ranted on about how awful mothers day was, how fake etc. Maybe about 12?

Anyway, because I was scared of her, I thought I'd better not get a card or anything or she'd be angry.

I'll leave you to guess how that turned out.

I lap up anything that my daughters do for me on MD. Their love and appreciation continues to heal that memory.

My least favourite plot in a book/film is where the bad guy/girl doesn't get their comeuppance and where evil deeds go unpunished.

I feel the same way about your descriptions of your mum's treatment of you and her expectations that she will be pandered to forever and her narcissistic rage if she doesn't get her own way.

Please continue to distance yourself from her if you can. So many posters with similar mothers have broken the cycle like you have and are warm and loving parents to their children.

But you have already let 15years of your oldest kids life go by with you not present and happy, so why not make this one the first that you put yourself first and your kids?

with us, as soon as we became parents our families stepped back and allowed us to fully have the day we want. My own dm said I’ve had my turn and now it’s yours. They fit in our plans rather than us planning everything around everyone else.

break the cycle and show your kids different op.

That is really sad. Please please have Mother’s Day with your own family and cherish the handmade cards and burnt toast breakfast in bed. As someone said, you’re in the thick of parenting so you get first dibs.

what is your mum actually going to do? She’s going to moan, complain, guilt trip and manipulate but what can she actually do? Nothing. You need to retrain your brain. It’s your kids and family that matter. Good luck and enjoy your day.

My mother is a narcissist and, due to that, I’ve been NC for a number of years. I wouldn’t share Mother’s Day with her if you paid me because nothing was ever good enough for her. The drama, the playing one of us off against the other, the back stabbing - I don’t miss any of it, funnily enough!

My kids do low-key presents for me - a bunch of daffs, bottle of fizzy elderflower or some maltesers (all of which I love) - and we spend time together which is worth more to me than anything money can buy. We don’t have a meal out as I hate crowded places so save that for a nice summers day when we can all enjoy it.

I hope this years Mothers Day will be the calm, relaxed, drama-free one you deserve OP x

This post made me feel sad that your mum treated you in this way. My children asked what I wanted this mothers day, I told them some garden flowers (paid for by dad) and to cook dinner! I've ordered a fancy chocolate cake and some burger meat, so they only have to cook it. Mothers day is just to express your love for mum, with whatever means they want want to.

Mother’s Day is about me and my mother and MIL. We are all doing something together. I’m hosting but mum will bring food and my girls and DH will do a fair bit also. It also used to include my grandmother but we lost her this year.

That must be really upsetting, I know someone who lost her mum on the same day her daughter was born, first child & same hospital. You have my sincere sympathy and condolences - hopefully your little one is a blessing in disguise and gives you unconditional love.

I lost my mum in my 20s and every mother's day since has crucified me, only when I had my DD did I realise the depth's of a mother's love xx

My first Mothers Day as a mum was also my first without my mum. MIL is American, and that’s on a different date.

When I became a mother (26 years ago)....but she always disparaged Mothers Day as A Hallmark fabrication which I think was an idea from my Father's (accurate) thoughts on Father's Day.

My siblings soldiered on and sent her cards and flowers over the years but this year is the first that I have realised my Father's ideas are not necessarily hers so have sent a card and present.

It took quite a few years after I became a Mum that the focus became more about me than my Mum, probably at least 10-12 years.

I don’t not celebrate with her, I always give a card and gift and ring her on the day, but the expectation that we’ll go out and do something for her (not us) has now stopped. I wouldn’t have minded if it had been a Mother’s Day event, something that we’d both enjoy, but it was very much sold as Mum’s Mother’s Day not our Mothers Day. We had the same issue with Father’s Day, it just became frustrating - we never saw my grandparents on MD/FD so I don’t quite know where it came from

I think mothers day is for children to show their love and appreciation for their mother in their own way as is age appropriate. So I wouldn't expect anything much until the first finger painted card from nursery. After that as they grow what is done for you depends on their choice and resources. When they are adults they are in a position to give you a great day if they choose. If you have adult children who want to make it your day and you want to do the same for your mother you have to share the day or all spend it together.

I find it odd that so many people seem to see this in reverse and think as mothers they are the ones to decide how the day pans out. Its really up to the child to decide as it's their gift. So, OP, do for your mum as you choose and let your DC do the same for you.

I have 4 grown up children. 2 are dads. I expect their focus to be helping their DC spoil their wives. I expect nothing from my grandchildren. I get lovely cards and some small gifts and that’s lovely!

I was wondering this recently. Lucky for me my mum is lovely, even so, this year I'm going to see her on Saturday and leave mother's day free for me and my dc.

I don't think she'll mind, especially if I message or phone on the day too. I have a slight guilty feeling though, so maybe I shouldn't.

I think you are doing the right thing @GettingChunkier, you deserve to enjoy your day.

I don't think it's ever really been 'my' day, apart from once when my daughter took us all out to lunch. It's never been a bit thing - I always got my mother and grandmother cards... I usually get cards (not always!) but that's about it. If there's ever a family lunch on that day its because I have arranged and cooked it. I don't usually see my children... One lives 6 hours away, the other has her own children and her own mother's day.

Let her sulk. Send a bunch of flowers. My mum was a bit like this for a long time, and despite having been a mother for 23 years I’ve never had a Mother’s Day where I was the object of any fuss. This year I’m taking my mum out for lunch, but that’s because I want to rather than because I feel the need to please her.

You can’t control other people’s behaviour, but you can control your response. You don’t need to justify what you are or aren’t doing. Just do what you want!

We go out, the three generations of our family, for lunch on Mothers Day. DDIL and I get on well, like friends. I have tried hard to be there for her, as a foreigner with no family in this country. She is keen for the DGC to see us as much as possible - because they love it. We only live 10 minutes drive away. There’s no competition about who does the most “mothering”, which I find a weird concept?

It's very low key in our family. I send my mum a card and some flowers and wish her a happy mother's day on the Sunday.

DH takes me (and DDs) out for a meal as my one request is I don't have to cook.

Love this. 👆
I think for me personally, a cuppa tea in bed with a nice bagel, or later on a nice meal cooked or a cheap takeaway meal from a nice place is perfect, (and some wine and/or chocs if they remember is nice but not necessary) as long as I have a break from cooking that day. 😇 it should not cost the earth 😇

Me, my DH and DS (age 5.5) relax that day and either watch a film/ play games / walk dog in the local park or on the beach, and just relax. Blissful and easy, no song and dance.
I'm lucky if I even get a chocolate though, as my DH and DS are chocoholics! 😆 so I usually drink all the wine 😆

Mother’s Day never stops being a day for all mothers whatever their age. The problem is that expectations have become too high. It’s enough to send some flowers and a card or a box of chocolates. No one should be expected to host a big meal or travel for miles or leave their own family for the day,

I share it with my mum and family as in-laws are passed away. I like my mum though.
min your shoes is probably send flowers or drop them off the day before and say your kids have plans for you so shall we come to you for lunch next Sunday or something like that. When she pulls a face say oh no, don’t worry if it’s too much bother

My children made cards at primary school. Breakfast in bed, flowers and lots of cuddles. Daddy cooked dinner. I felt blessed.

We did whip round to my mum and mil with cards and flowers too.

We don’t make a big deal of it. My kids pick me daffodils from the garden and make me breakfast in bed. I send a card to my mum. I might pop in and see her or if not I would phone her. That’s it. It is a hard day for my mum as her mother and her other DC have died. I usually write thinking of you on Mother’s Day in the card.